


With Stars in Their Eyes

by AlyssssaB



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 21:02:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 33
Words: 88,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15566349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssssaB/pseuds/AlyssssaB
Summary: What happened if Connor's suicide attempt failed? A story that follows the cast after his attempt. AU (clearly) but staying strict to the characters created in the play. Also the only trigger warning you will get for this entire story: panic attacks, hospital scenes, suicide ideation/attempts, sexual content and language.This same fic is posted under the same name on fanfiction.net. In transitioning it over, some of the formatting got lost/altered. Feel free to comment anywhere where you notice a significant or bothersome formatting error and I'll go ahead and clear it up.





	1. Chapter 1

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god._ And _now_ of all times. It had been a full twenty four hours and he had to go and lose his shit _now_ of all times. His heart-rate continued to pick up speed, beating in his chest like he was running a marathon, though he was still sitting in the same chair he had been for the last hour. It was seventh period, physics, and he was in the middle of the classroom and if he got up to leave everybody would look at him as he awkwardly wove through all the tables to get to the door. He could feel his vision going all tunnel-like and his palms sweat. He was possessed by an even worse thought: throwing up, right here, in front of the entire class. He stood up and began moving to the door, awkwardly shuffling so as not to touch any of the students at their desks, keeping his eyes trained on the floor.

“May I ask where you’re going, Mr. Hansen?” Mr. O’Byrne asked from behind his desk where he had been grading assignments while the class worked.

“Bathroom.” The word was so choked coming out of his mouth it barely sounded like a word at all, a sort of guttural, wrenching noise. In fact, he didn’t even make it twenty feet from the door of the classroom before it felt like all the blood had drained from his head and he had to sit down on the ground in the hallway. He curled up in a ball, leaning against the wall so as not to fall onto his side.

It was the note. He had tried to diminish its importance, to ‘just let it go’, to imagine the worst just like Dr. Sherman said and then imagine himself dealing with that and moving on, proving it was completely possible. But Connor hadn’t shown up to school today, and he still had the note, and in his mind Evan was crafting a million ways that the two could be connected. He could imagine Connor telling Zoe, twisting it like Evan had some dirty fantasy for her.

Didn’t he though? Watching from afar, too afraid to even speak to her, yet somehow hoping she would rescue him from his own mind without any prompting on his part? He could imagine her reacting in disgust. Or, possibly even worse, confusion. Because no matter how many times he imagined them talking easily, comfortably, _safely_ , the fact of the matter was they were strangers. He could imagine her saying _“who?”_ when Connor read her the note, unaware that he was the very boy she had apologized to on Connor’s behalf earlier that day. He could imagine her walking up to him in the hallway, slapping him in the face and screaming _“how dare you!”_ , in front of everybody, humiliating him, and—

_Deep breaths. It’s a panic attack._

He had seen Zoe that morning though, early at school just like him, hunched against her backpack, guitar case in one hand and some sort of breakfast sandwich wrapped in a paper towel in the other. She hadn’t seen him. He had ducked behind a row of lockers to ensure that, of course, but nonetheless, no reason for this terror. He felt the nausea swell up in his stomach again and forced himself to uncurl his body and put his head between his knees. He counted to two for every breath in, then out to an increasing count, first two, then three, then four. When it came time for five he couldn’t do it and a dry sob wracked his chest. It was futile. Until he knew the fate of that note he was going to be a wreck.

“Hey, are you ok?” _Dear god._ It was like reality was trying to make his worst nightmares come true. He opened one eye against the too-bright fluorescent lighting of the hallway and, craning his neck upward to avoid straightening his back, saw Zoe’s very-concerned face peering at him. She was squatted down about two feet away, maintaining a safe distance yet leaning forward until her face was looming in his still-tunneled vision. He flinched away  and she rocked back on her heels, aware her closeness had worsened things.

“Fine. I mean, I’m fine. I’m ok, really, I promise.” He forced the words out between breaths, hoping the act of speaking didn’t cause his stomach to reject its contents out of hand.

“You don’t look very ok.” He kept his eyes closed but felt a stir in the air and smelled something sweet, like peaches and maybe gardenia. He squinted against the lighting and saw she had sat down against the wall next to him, legs splayed out in front of her. “I’m just gonna stay here. You focus on breathing. Don’t mind me.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke, letting him handle himself. Or maybe she couldn’t look at him. God knows he looked pathetic, hunched over like this, in the middle of the hallway.

He fought to get his breathing under control and then wiped his damp brow. Dear god, if he had been worried about shaking her hand when his was sweaty, he can’t imagine how bad this is, with his face streaming sweat, mid-anxiety attack, and her sitting not a foot away from him. He wedged one eye open and looked over at her again, but she was sitting in the exact same position, eyes closed, back against the wall. Serene.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you. You… you don’t have to stay. I’m sorry this must seem so weird…” he trailed off as she lolled her head towards him and opened her eyes. Was she smiling?

“I sat down of my own accord I believe. And being alone during a panic attack is never fun. I’m happy to stay. And it’s not weird. Want to tell me what triggered this one? You obviously don’t have to.” She turned her head back and closed her eyes again. He continued to focus on his breathing, trying not to let the fact that she had just asked him a direct question disturb him. If he tried to speak now there was still a definite danger that he might vomit. She didn’t push it and just sat there, unmoving, letting him breath. As the attack faded he could open his eyes fully and turn to look at her. _Yeah right._ Telling her was out of the question.

In a flash he imagined her reaching out and giving him a hug, holding him in their school hallway, just the two of them, sharing this. He shook it away and internally berated himself. _Like she’d ever look at you like that. Like she’d ever think of you as anything but some weird, awkward, obsessed stalker._ He pressed his fingers to his temples and massaged, trying to quell the inner voices. He couldn’t stop them though, especially not when they were right. Not when he was sitting here having a panic attack about a note he wrote about her and the very real fear she might find out. What sweet irony that she was asking him about it now, completely oblivious. At least he knew she didn’t know. She wouldn’t be this kind to him if she did.

“I uhh, I just wasn’t feeling well. I’m fine now, really. Sorry.” She looked at him skeptically.

“You don’t look very fine. In fact, you look even more stressed than you usually do.” He inwardly wondered how stressed he usually looked. Was it the fidgeting? He couldn’t stop that, even if he tried. No amount of medication would ever do that. She seemed to notice him flinch at that one too. “Uhh, not that you usually look too stressed or anything, just that you always seem a bit down, and this is making me think that maybe everything isn’t ok, and I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Like I’m here right now.”

       He looked over at her again and met her worried eyes with his own, not flinching away from the eye contact. She looked unsure, nervous. And worried.

“I’m fine, I swear. I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He looked back down at his hands, breaking the eye contact.

“You apologize a lot. And you don’t bother me.” Immediately she was back to her cheery demeanor, the previous moments unsureness past.

“Sorry. I mean, uh,” he paused. “My bad?” She laughed.

“Don’t worry about it. If you’re feeling better, I’m going to actually go to the bathroom, like I told my French teacher I was about fifteen minutes ago.” She rose and dusted off her butt and the back of her legs.

“Uhh, Zoe? I have a weird question for you.” He said the words before he had a chance to stop himself.

“Yeah?” _shit shit shit shit_.

“Uhh, why wasn’t Connor at school today?” If he couldn’t ask about the note, that seemed like a safe alternative.

She paled and creased her brow at him, her posture suddenly defensive. Whereas before her presence had been calming and soothing, bringing him down, now it felt almost hostile, tense and somewhat frightened. Like a deer in the headlights.

“He’s uhh. . . he’s sick. Don’t worry about it. Bye.” She rushed off before she had even finished speaking, her words echoing from over her shoulder. Of course he had ruined it. Did he ever do anything but ruin it? And what did that mean? Did she know about the note after all? Somewhere inside himself he felt the urge for another panic attack come on, but his exhausted body let it pass and he slumped against the wall. What happened? Why did she dodge that question?

As the post-panic-attack endorphins flooded his body, he felt tears well up inside. He felt the cold wall against his back and tried to choke them down. All his hopes pinned on Zoe, and he had to go and have a total freak-out in front of her, lose his cool and somehow piss her off. Way to go, Hansen.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Zoe gently turned the peg on the guitar and plucked the string again, keeping her eyes closed. _Sharp_ , she thought to herself, then looked at the tuner. The little arrow pointed dead-center on the dial, meaning the string was in tune. _Damnit_ , she thought, unclipping the tuner from the head of her guitar and dropping it back into the pocket on the outside of the case. Her ear was terrible for recognizing pitch, but she didn’t let it stop her from trying.

She opened her sheet music folder and perused through the pages stuffed inside. She could do work for jazz band, or… she flipped behind the sheaf of arrangements on the left side of the folder and pulled out a bundle all paperclipped together. It was the songs she kept secret, that she only practiced when she was home alone or in a practice room here after everybody else had left for the day and before the adult choir showed up to practice. Like right now.

She pulled the paperclip off and sifted through the papers. Lots of Beatles, a little bit of Radiohead, then some more indulgent treats, like some Arctic Monkeys and even a Taylor Swift tab or two. This felt more personal than just jazz. This was the kind of thing Connor would ruin for her.

She pulled Creep by Radiohead out and laid the pages out all next to each other so she could see them. The mournful song seemed appropriate for right now. She tried to not think about it much, because if she did it just made her mad, and she didn’t like being mad. So instead she plucked away, trying to get the transitions between notes smooth and seamless. She had been practicing for only a few minutes when her phone started buzzing in her backpack. She knew who it was before looking, and took her time rifling around her bag to find it. The desire to just let it go to voicemail was strong, but she fought the urge and pressed the green button on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Zoe? Are you almost here?” Her mother’s voice was expectant on the other side of the phone. “The doctor wants to go over Connor’s treatment plan with us, and he’s about to go home soon and we both have to be there, and your dad just got here from work and assumed you would already be here. I thought you would too. Where are you?” In typical Cynthia fashion, she didn’t even let Zoe answer her question before asking another.

“I was just practicing and I got carried away. Can’t a nurse stay with him? I have a lot of homework and I’m in the middle of this really difficult piece right now…” her voice trailed off as she eyed the Radiohead tab longingly. She hadn’t been able to work on it for weeks, with Connor home from rehab and terrorizing her every night and school not started yet.

“You can do homework here. And you’ve been practicing for over two hours, that’s enough. I expect you here in twenty minutes or less. You’re keeping the doctor waiting.” She hung up before Zoe had time to respond. Of course, the doctor’s time mattered but not hers.

She quickly re-packed her music and locked her guitar in her music locker. No use taking it home since she would barely have enough time to do homework tonight, much less practice more. She looked mournfully at the clock on the wall. _Practicing for two hours my ass._ She had fallen asleep in the computer lab and the computer skills teacher had woken her about half an hour ago before he left for the day. He told her she looked like she could use the break. To be completely honest, she could.

* * *

The hospital was bustling and busy for a weeknight, and Zoe tried to make herself smaller as she wended her way through the nurses and patients in wheelchairs and white-coated doctors walking quickly and with great self-importance. _So many staff and I still have to come babysit my brother_ , she thought to herself, inwardly rolling her eyes. He was in room 463, just across the hallway from the room he was in last time he did this, ironically enough. And still somehow in pediatrics, though Zoe felt he would only frighten the real children. Hell, he frightened her.

She stepped into the room and stopped, remaining in the threshold. It felt crowded, with their parents and the doctor all standing there and a nurse taking his vitals. He didn’t take up much space, wispy and frail in the bed. She knew that appearance would only last so long as he was still weak from this last attempt. Then he’d be back to the terror he was.

“Zoe! There you are. We’ll talk about this later, but for now just stay in the room and keep an eye. You know the rules.” Her father, never one to waste words. They brushed past her through the doorway, following the doctor. Somebody new. She rolled her eyes once they passed.

This room sucked. The other one he’d been in had been a double, and he’d been the only person, so you could sit on the extra bed and be a good distance away from him. Or sit in the chairs on the other side of the room and be a _really_ good distance away from him. Here there was just the two plastic chairs, mere feet away. He could reach out and touch her if he wanted.

She sized him up and quickly realized that this time she might be ok. Last time he had recovered quickly, fighting the doctors and nurses all the time and generally causing chaos. This time he was quiet, eyes sunken in purple sockets, pale skin seemingly stretched across his skull. Near his scalp his hair looked greasy, but further down its length it looked fuzzy and cloudlike, horribly matted. The gown was big on him and it looked as though the sheet could have just been crumpled on an unmade bed, his body so thin beneath it. She caught herself staring and then realized he was staring back, waiting for her to finish her silent evaluation.

              “No it’s fine, keep fucking staring. Didn’t Mommy and Daddy teach you it’s fucking rude to stare?”

              “Do you not eat?” Zoe brought herself to sit, her appraisal done. He couldn’t hurt her, not now.

              “Food is for people who want to live.” His caustic tone ended the exchange.

She found herself giving the area around him a more in-depth once over. Just like her dad had said earlier, she did know the rules. No loose objects in Connor’s vicinity. His hands above the sheet at all times (otherwise he could scratch himself and give himself friction burns on his legs). Food pre-cut and eaten only with fingers or a spoon. Meds taken on time and his mouth checked to ensure he swallowed. And most of all, engage with him, kindly, whenever he speaks. Any dialogue is good dialogue, even if it’s him telling you that you should try slitting your wrists too. Don’t fight back.

              Finding everything to her satisfaction, Zoe opened her backpack and pulled out her French notebook. She had a large amount of the worksheet from class left to complete. She had spent too much time in the hallway with Evan. She bit down on her pencil, lost in thought about the boy. Something was off today.

              She had always noticed him, from afar. She felt like he noticed her to, but was flighty and cagey. She had always felt like if she approached or tried to make a friendship he would probably freak out. Today she hadn’t thought before squatting in front of him. He needed her. And then she had gone and snapped at him when he asked about Connor. She hadn’t wanted to scare him, hadn’t wanted him pitying her, hadn’t wanted to confirm the stereotype everybody in the school had that she was just the freak’s brother. In that moment she had just wanted to be Zoe. And of course, that meant hiding how Connor ruled her life, how she was only at school to get out of another babysitting shift at the hospital, which would become non-negotiable tomorrow when her Mom had pilates. She hadn’t wanted to see Evan try and relate. She had just wanted to have that moment between them, with his guard slightly down. And because of that desire, she had probably ruined it. And if she wasn’t at school tomorrow, he might think it’s because of him and worry even more. And she wouldn’t be there to reassure him…

              It had been a short exchange between them in the hallway, but it felt important somehow. She couldn’t figure out why, but she felt more urgency about being there for Evan at school tomorrow than being by her suicidal brother’s side. Even if her brother was awful, she barely knew Evan and it was a strange way to feel.

              “So who’s the boy?” Connor’s tone was still dry and sarcastic, but there was a note of sincerity hidden beneath.

              “What are you talking about?”

              “You’ve been sitting there for three whole minutes chewing on that disgusting pencil completely lost in space. There’s a boy. Who?”

              “First off, there’s not a boy. Second off, why in the world would I ever tell you if there was? You’d just mock me for it and go scare him off.”

              “Well I was just wondering because I have a _juicy_ tidbit about someone who fancies you. And I was just thinking to myself: wouldn’t it just be _ironic_ if Zoe was nursing a cute little crush on the very boy who was obsessing over her in some creepy sex letter to himself?”

              “What are you talking about?” Zoe’s brow furrowed in confusion.

              “You don’t know? I figured after I took it he’d try and share his creepy feelings for you before I could. Oh well, guess he missed his chance there.” Zoe just stared at him, afraid if she expressed curiosity he’d decide to hold the secret hostage for even longer. “It’s the boy with the cast. The miserable one.”

              “Evan? Evan Hansen?”

              “The one and only! The one who completely lost his shit when he had to give that hamlet speech last year and just stood there like a goldfish, opening and closing his mouth. To think people call _me_ the freak.”

              “What do you mean about this letter?”

              “Well, I’m sure it’s around here somewhere…” Connor sarcastically moved his eyes all over the room before letting them settle on the end of the bed where his personal effects bag was hung. Zoe was over there in a moment, opening it and fiddling through his pockets. “Don’t touch my drugs.” His voice had a joking tone to it, but Zoe slowed her rifling all the same. It would be like him to have some sort of paraphernalia on him when he attempted on his own life.

              Her fingers closed around a piece of printer paper folded into quarters. She unfolded it rapidly and scanned the words, then stopped herself, forced herself to go back to the start, and drank in every word.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This is isn’t going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your most best and dearest friend,_

_Me_

She stared at the paper in her hands until the distant, tinny laughter penetrated her focus. Connor.

              “Not so dreamy now, is he?”

              “You _read_ this? And you didn’t think that perhaps it was alarming in some context? That maybe it means he needs someone? He’s lonely and hurting and DEAR GOD CONNOR THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SUICIDE NOTE!! _”_ She didn’t even realize she was yelling until she felt the deafening silence after her words. Connor stared back at her from the bed, his eyes wide.

              “Of course you didn’t. Because nobody in Connor Murphy’s world can have problems but Connor motherfucking Murphy, _right?_ And god forbid somebody else might feel sad or lonely in Connor’s world. And god forbid Connor do anything that might help, like giving the fucking note back, or never taking it in the first place. . .” her voice trailed off as she connected the dots.

              That afternoon had been him freaking out about the note. Freaking out because Connor had it, and she might see it, and imagine those deeply personal thoughts making their way to anybody, much less the person they were written about. She was never meant to have read them. And yet, to know now exactly how bad of a place he was in. . . she had to go to him. If he was that bad at school she could only imagine how much worse it must’ve gotten since. It had been over 24 hours since Connor had taken it. And if it’s contents were any indicator, it was entirely possible that Evan could be thinking the unthinkable, about to follow in Connor’s footsteps.

              She felt her stomach drop and a sudden urgency. She needed to find this boy _right now_ and tell him that it would absolutely matter to her if he disappeared, that she absolutely needed him to stick it out. She couldn’t even understand the urge, because it was true: she didn’t really know him, and she didn’t understand why she was in the note, but if she did matter to him maybe she could convince him to not do the scary things this note foretold. Even if it was awkward with him knowing she’d read it. She could think about that later.

              “Umm, excuse me? Are you even listening?” Again, Connor’s baleful voice penetrated her silent reverie.

              “What?” She didn’t look at him as she rushed to get her French assignment back into her backpack and zip it up.

              “I said that I was nice to him! I even signed his cast. But that was before I realized he had some creepy fantasy for my kid sister. That’s just crossing a line. He needs to learn his place—Hey! Where are you going?” But she was gone, out the door in a rush, leaving him alone in his room.


	3. Chapter 3

              Evan trudged through the front door and to his room. He didn’t bother to turn any of the lights on. No use. He threw his backpack down on the floor and flopped face first onto his bed.

              Therapy had not gone well. Dr. Sherman was apologetic about the letter but quick to dismiss his concerns as just anxiety. This was more and Evan knew it. Any normal person would be anxious if something like that got into the wrong hands, for him it just made everything ten times worse. Dr. Sherman said if it stayed this bad that Evan could have a fast-acting prescription as well, for when the attacks hit. But that consolation didn’t lessen what really hurt: the only person who was literally paid to hear and validate Evan’s worries was now undercutting them, telling him they weren’t real. His own therapist couldn’t see the difference between his anxiety and real problems. The line was too blurry, and only getting worse.

              Evan was sick of it. Sick of the drugs, and the therapy, and having to talk over basic shit like this. If he hadn’t written the letter in the first place, none of this would’ve happened. If he wasn’t such a complete fucking mess, he wouldn’t be so completely alone, so trapped in complete anonymity. He would have actual friends, more than just Jared fucking Kleinman. He would have had the guts to talk to Zoe long before now. He wouldn’t be sitting in his room, alone in the dark, too afraid to even order a fucking pizza. This stuff wasn’t hard for normal people.

              The pills were still in the little chest on his bedside table. He opened the bottle and poured them out, counting. Ninety. His mom must have refilled it today before going to work. He slid them back in and walked down the dark hall to the bathroom. He opened the cabinet behind the mirror and examined the contents. A half bottle of Nyquil, two half-empty boxes of aspirin, and 6 packets of Benadryl. If he took the Benadryl first, then downed the anti-anxiety medication and chased it with Nyquil, he would probably fall asleep before his organs failed. He couldn’t do it here, obviously. His mother wouldn’t react well to finding his body. It would be better in the state park. He could find the same tree he had climbed last summer…

              His hands shook as he grabbed the medications from the cabinet. He dropped the bottle of Nyquil trying to grip it with his left hand in the cast. He stumbled walking into the hallway, almost in a daze. The state park was a good thirty minute walk away, and the tree he was thinking of another ten minutes deep. He dumped the contents of his backpack out and dropped the meds into the empty pouch. He wanted to be in the tree this time. He grabbed his water bottle from the floor and dropped that in too. Not enough Nyquil to get all the pills down. He re-opened the chest and grabbed the orange pill bottle, tossing it into the backpack as well.

              Suddenly, he felt a buzzing in his back pocket. He pulled his phone out, surprised. Did an app upgrade itself or something? No, it was a message from an unknown number.

**Unknown Sender: Hi is this Evan? This is Zoe Murphy from school.**

              His stomach dropped out from beneath him. Was this Jared trying to play a joke on him or something? Or maybe it was Connor. With the letter he must have put two and two together about Evan’s feelings for Zoe and thought this would be a funny, cruel prank to play. Evan re-pocketed the phone, zipping up his backpack and rummaging through the pile of clothes on his floor for a hoodie or sweatshirt. Best to ignore it. His phone buzzed again.

**Unknown Sender: Look I know this is your number because I asked Jared for it and I’m sorry to be pushy but could we meet up? I need to talk to you. Nothing bad I promise! But still important.**

_Pushy_? Zoe wasn’t pushy. She was sweet and kind and… not pushy. She must know about the note. But then why would she say it was nothing bad? The note was definitely bad. He stared at the screen until it timed out. Was it actually her? It couldn’t be. He punched the screen on again and typed out a response. He deleted and re-typed it twice before sending.

**Evan: Is this actually Zoe?**

              Immediately he felt hot regret course down his spine. He was feeding whatever prank it was, making it worse. While he waited for a response, he pulled on an old hoodie. It was probably a joke and now that they got a response they would laugh at him and deliver the punchline. He shouldn’t have responded at all. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked to the door. His hands shook as he closed it behind him. His phone buzzed once more. _Here it is,_ he thought.

**Unknown Sender: Yeah it’s really Zoe. I found the note Connor took from you and I wanted to talk to you about it because you have me really worried and I figured after today you’re probably in a really bad place right now and I didn’t want to wait until school tomorrow. Are you busy right now? Can we talk?**

Evan stared at the phone in wonder. If this was a prank, it was a really elaborate one. He re-pocketed the phone and slid down his closed door until he was sitting on the floor, leaning against it. He would be an idiot to think this was real. It was an elaborate prank. Probably Connor’s doing. If so, the boy was smarter and crueler than Evan had thought. He had figured Connor to be all hot anger, pushing him and screaming and losing control. This required a degree of coldness, of calculating menace to pull off.

              On the other hand, if it actually was Zoe…

              It couldn’t be. And if it was, she was already pitying him, already worried. He had wanted her attention for so long and now that he might have it, it was everything he never wanted. His phone buzzed again.

**Unknown Sender:** **Look, I know you live kinda close to the school, right? I’ll be there in fifteen minutes and I’ll hang out in the parking lot for a while. Please come.**

              Could it be real? On the one hand, it could be some awful joke, and he could be humiliated even more. On the other, if he did go, the school was kind of on the way to the state park. He could check this out and then just head over like he originally planned. One detour wouldn’t change things at the end of the day.

              He set the phone down on the ground beside him and looked at his hands in front of him. Mid-anxiety attack, they’d usually be shaking, quivering and sweaty. Now, they were still and dry. Instead of feeling hot, his brain felt cool. Where normally his thoughts were racing too fast, frightening him with how they stumbled over each other, now they were silent. Just one decision lay before him: straight to the forest, or stop at school first?

 


	4. Chapter 4

              The parking lot had only a smattering of cars in it. Zoe was leaning against her powder-blue bug, arms crossed. She was looking at the ground and biting her lip as Evan approached. So it was really her. She looked up, saw him and a smile lit up her face.

              “You came!” She uncrossed her arms and put her hands in the pockets of her denim jacket.

              “Uh yeah, you asked me to, right? Or did I misinterpret that… I’ve never been very good at texting, I never know who’s supposed to, uh, send the last message and sometimes people send you a question and they don’t even want you to answer! Like what does that mean, right? And oh god I didn’t answer yours and that is so rude, unless you didn’t want me to of course, which would have made sense by those rules and I’m sorry I’m totally rambling aren’t I?” Evan looked sheepishly at his cast, examining the jagged letters in Connor’s name.

              “It’s fine. I could tell you were struggling today, I didn’t even expect you to come. And it’s fine you didn’t answer my message. I just really needed to see you.” She needed to see him?

              “Well uh, here I am.” He gestured awkwardly and did a half curtsy “I’m sorry I don’t know why I did that that was totally weird and I just hate it when people do that—”

              “You’re fine!” She looked at him for a moment and he looked down to avoid eye contact. The texture of the fiberglass on his cast meant that the ink from Connor’s signature didn’t penetrate past the first layer, leaving just white cast underneath.

“I guess I should tell you why I wanted to meet. I mean, I guess I told you I know about the note.”

              “Yeah I can explain! See, it’s this weird, uh, assignment thing, and I didn’t mean for anybody to see it and I promise it’s not like some creepy sex thing, like I just wanted to clarify that because you’re in it and I know that’s totally weird—”

              “Evan.” She interrupted him. “I know it’s not a creepy sex thing. I um, I read it. Like all of it.”

              “Oh.” He hunched even further over. Could he disappear into the ground? Was that possible?

              “Look I know we’re not like friends or anything, and it’s really not my place to say anything to you but what I read really scared me. You see, I um,” She quieted for a moment, wringing her hands in a way that mimicked Evan’s compulsive habit, then looking down, seeing them moving of their own accord and deliberately stopping them, clenching them in front of her.

She cleared her throat and spoke more clearly, somehow calm, despite the turmoil Evan could now see. “You see, I know what somebody who is suicidal sounds like, and you sound like that. I don’t want to assume, but if so I really just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and the way you’re feeling right now isn’t forever and things can and will get better even if it seems like that really isn’t the case. So yeah. And if you ever want to talk to me about anything, I know you’ll probably never take me up on it but I promise I’m here and I’ll listen.”

              Evan stared even more intently at his cast, tears beginning to choke his throat. For so long he’d wanted to meet Zoe Murphy and impress her and the first time she truly talks to him it’s to pity him, to see him at his absolute worst. First a panic attack, then calling out his suicidal thoughts, seeing him absolutely pathetic in front of her. He couldn’t take it. The swelling feelings inside him weren’t a panic attack but were somehow stronger. He couldn’t deal with shame like this.

              “Um, I’m not actually suicidal.” His voice arched unnaturally, trying to sell it, trying to sound peppy and better than reality. “Like I said, that was an assignment, I’m uh, I’m taking on personas and doing all that and yeah I can see how that would be totally confusing but I totally swear it’s not like that and I’m doing fine, I uh, I have friends like uh, Jared Kleinman! And I’m doing ok, I really am, but thank you so much for your concern and yeah I should probably go, would you mind if I got that letter back? I just don’t want anybody else thinking that I was actually meaning any of that when I’m not because I’m fine, like I said before, totally fine.” And he held his hand out, still not looking at her, knowing full well it was a lie and a poor one at that. Did she know too? She looked at him meaningfully for a moment and he could feel the weight of her gaze on him, trying to pull his eyes to her while he fought it, keeping them pointed at the ground, his hand held out. The moment broke and she sighed.

              “Ok yeah, of course, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed anything. Like, I don’t even know you, right?” Zoe handed him the letter and slung her backpack—which had been resting on the hood of her car—over her shoulder. Evan pocketed the letter, wanting to rip it to shreds but forcing himself to wait.

“Um, do you want a ride home? I know you live close to here; I can give you one.” She looked at him once, searchingly. He met her eyes for a moment but felt the tears choke his throat and looked down once more.

              “I’m uh, I’m actually not going home? I mean I have to go somewhere. I uh, I have to walk. I’m good. Thanks for the offer though that’s totally sweet and it’s not like I don’t want to ride in your car or anything like that, I’m sure it smells just fine…” he trailed off again, red-faced.

              “Ok.” She laughed, starting to walk around her car. She stopped near the bumper and turned back.

“And um, Evan? I know you probably don’t want or need to hear this but I just want to say that if you hurt yourself or did something stupid I would be really hurt. So would your mom. I know what it’s like to get burned by stuff like that.”

              “You do?” Evan brought his eyes up from the ground and made it all the way to her knees before stopping, cringing.

              “Yeah. Connor tried to kill himself night before last. That’s why he wasn’t at school yesterday or today. It’s not the first time he’s tried either. And like I said, I’m sure you’re fine and all that but he’s not and he knows what it’s like to get so low you want to do something like that. He’s still in the hospital right now and I know you probably won’t even consider it, but if you wanted to visit him some time, he could really use a friend. Or something that resembles a friend, because I don’t know if he’s capable of even having friends. He is kind of a dick. But if you can write something like that letter, I know you can at least relate to where he’s at right now, and that might be really helpful. My parents and I can’t really relate to him like that.” She looked away, out of breath from speaking so fast.

              “Anyways you totally don’t have to and I understand why you wouldn’t because I probably wouldn’t but I’ll be there tomorrow after school if you wanna come, he’s just at the hospital downtown, fourth floor, room 463. My parents will be gone because my dad has work and my mom will probably go get a massage or something ‘cause she’s really stressed and I don’t like being alone with him so if you wanted to come that would be really cool. Just consider, ok? And again, it’s fine if you don’t.” She wrung her hands once more, not realizing. Evan almost smiled inwardly at her adopting his tick.

              “I uhh, I’ll consider. I might be busy but I’ll try. Thanks, Zoe. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow? Like at school, because we always see each other at school, but maybe not the hospital because like I said I’m busy so I might not be able to but I’ll try because I wouldn’t want you to be alone…” Once more he trailed off bashfully. Zoe smiled at him shyly, yet with a wry look of amusement too.

              “Ok. Cool. I have to go back to the hospital now. I really shouldn’t have left and my parents will probably kill me but oh well. Fuck em, right?” She walked around and got in her car. Evan almost smiled.

              “Yeah, fuck em!” It sounded half-hearted and awkward and he immediately regretted saying it, but Zoe smiled and that somehow made it feel more ok. She started the engine and waved at him as she pulled away. He was surprised to find himself waving back.

              Twenty minutes later, he was even more surprised to find himself back at his front door. He had never consciously changed his plan to go to the state park, but somehow he had ended up walking back home, lost in thought at the idea of spending an afternoon with Zoe at the hospital. Yeah Connor would be there, and yeah she kind of knew that he was a complete mess, but she still wanted to hang out with him. She had still talked to him like a real person, still respected him, still asked him to the hospital. She didn’t see him as less.

              He wouldn’t go so far to describe it as happy, but he felt a bit lighter than he had earlier. He had the letter back in his pocket, safe and sound, and Zoe hadn’t hated him upon finding out it’s contents. Today most definitely wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t the worst day.


	5. Chapter 5

              Evan really hadn’t thought this through. Which was ironic, because he thought everything through a million times usually. With less than 24 hours to think, however, the farthest he had gotten was to fixate on how he would greet Zoe. The sweaty hands thing was still an issue, but that one awkward conversation in the parking lot did not a hugging-type-friendship make. He had spent most of the day trying to figure out how to either make his hands unsweaty or avoid it altogether when he realized in seventh period that you don’t shake hands with people you know, and after yesterday they definitely knew each other. That gave him just the bus ride from the school to the hospital to try and figure out what other greeting he would go with. He had decided on a casual wave with his good hand and a ‘hey’ when he got to the hospital and realized exactly how badly he’d been underthinking it.

              When he went in, would he have to get a visitors pass? That would mean speaking to the security desk and telling them who he was and why he was there and could he really qualify himself as a friend of Connor’s? Do they even do name badges for acquaintances? What if only family was supposed to visit? What if Zoe just assumed he knew that and would lie and say he was their brother or something and then he didn’t and got kicked out and couldn’t even make it in? Beyond having to speak to the security desk person, he’d have to ask for directions because he didn’t see the elevator and if he got lost that would make everything worse. Then there was the issue of actually getting up there and entering the room and in his head he had been imagining just him and Zoe but he realized now that she had actually been asking him to hang out with her brother, so he was going to have to see Connor, and the last time he saw Connor the boy had called him a freak and stolen that humiliating letter that started this whole mess and what had Zoe told him? Had she told him about Evan and how she was worried about the note? If Connor was going to act like he did before then Evan really couldn’t handle it and he wouldn’t know how to leave because he promised Zoe he’d stay… Then there was the possibility that Connor’s parents would show up and he’d have to talk to them and would Zoe expect him to lie and say he and Connor were friends? And what would they think, since Connor had signed his cast? Would he have to explain, with Zoe and Connor and their parents there that they weren’t friends? And what if they didn’t want him there and Zoe had invited him without telling them?

              He stood on the street outside and looked into the building, his heart racing, his pulse throbbing, feeling like it was a hundred degrees out even though it wasn’t close. He couldn’t do this. He actually couldn’t do this. He turned to walk back to the bus stop.

              “Evan? Sweetie, what are you doing here? Did you need something?” He heard the familiar, warm voice and turned to see his mother approaching with two other nurses in scrubs. They were holding soft drinks and laughing, clearly back from a lunch break.

              “I uhh…” he trailed off, just keeping his eyes on the other women. He didn’t know what to say.

              “You ladies go on in, tell Shelly I’ll be right there.” Heidi smiled at her friends and they walked on ahead.

 “Now sweetie, what’s up?” She grasped his shoulder warmly, recognizing the familiar anxious look on his face. As she gazed at him, a look of surprise crossed her face.

              “Are you here for that Connor boy? He’s the one that signed your cast, isn’t he? That’s what I meant to ask you last night when I got home but you were already asleep! He signed your cast and you’re coming to visit! Of course. Well let me walk you in. You were avoiding talking to the security guard, weren’t you? Well that’s something we can work on, but for now I can just sign you in.” She walked up the desk and spoke to the guard, returning with a laminated card hung on a lanyard that read ‘ **guest’** in block letters.

              “Now he’s in pediatrics. From what the nurses up there are saying he’s raising a complete hullaballoo and they’ve been trying to transfer him, but I haven’t seen that go through yet so he’ll still be there. He must be so lost. I have to run work now but when I’m done I’m going to skip class and we can get some Greek food and you can tell me all about him and why you’ve never mentioned him before!” She guided Evan by the elbow while she spoke and he soon found himself in front of an elevator, the button already pressed. She kissed him quickly on the cheek, ruffled his hair and was off, wending through the corridors back to her nurses station to sign back in.

              She had solved the first mini-steps in his anxiety’s long list of questions, now he just had to face one of his tormenters, his crush, and possibly both of their parents. Whereas Heidi’s soothing presence and voice and constant stream of words kept his mind slightly quieter, with her gone he had nothing to distract him from his own mind.

              The elevator stopped on the second and third floors before reaching the fourth, doctors and nurses and families stepping in and out, leaving him in the corner. He had to excuse himself to get out on the fourth floor and seriously considered just riding it to the top to avoid having to traverse so many people in such a tight space, but realized the elevator would never be less crowded and he was just going to have to suck it up.

Once out of the elevator, he realized he didn’t know where the room was and found himself turning around, ready to give up and just leave. This was just too much. _Bad idea bad idea bad idea_. That was when he saw the room, right there next to the elevator, the second one down the hall. _Of course._

How to enter? Should he just walk in? Was that allowed? Should he knock? The door was open, so Zoe would see him regardless. What would Connor say? Should he just text her? He pulled his phone out to do so. _You’re overthinking this. Just go. Stop being pathetic._

He pocketed the phone, took a deep breath, considered crossing himself but didn’t, and then walked through the door. Connor lay in the bed, a look of surprise on his face. She wasn’t there.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit._ Evan froze in the doorway, staring at the frail boy in the bed. Connor’s face went from surprise, to a moment of anger, to a big, wide grin in the space of seconds. Then he started laughing. Not a fake, mean laugh, but a genuine belly laugh. _What?_ Evan’s brow furrowed in confusion, but he was still frozen, rooted to the spot he stood.

“If this isn’t the most pathetic thing I’ve ever fucking seen!” Connor wheezed the words out in a booming voice before guffawing once more. Evan felt tears choke his throat. He should have known, she was mad, this was all a set-up and she wanted Connor to bully him and she had never planned on being here at all, she just knew it was the only way he’d show up and honestly he didn’t deserve any better, this was a terrible idea and he only had himself to blame. _The stupid letter_. He turned to leave, but Connor’s voice stopped him.

“Don’t leave! Let me get this straight: you write this creepy sex letter about my sister, leave it for me to find in the computer room to somehow try and make my life even worse because why the fuck not, then when my heart-of-gold sis finds it and runs to reassure you about your fragile little mental state, you have the nerve to push the envelope with her and show up at my fucking hospital room post-suicide attempt? Did you think you two were going to bond over your shared ‘fucked up times with Connor’? Did she even tell you I was here, or did you stalk her even more and find it out all on your own? Oh this is just _rich!_ ” He broke into laughter again, cynical and cruel. Evan’s face was blank, his mind blank, everything just empty. _Big mistake. This was a big mistake._ He absorbed Connor’s words, rooted to the spot, then his senses came back to him. He fled, Connor’s laughter echoing in his ears.

Stairwell, concrete steps, tripping and stumbling and somehow making it down, too many people _too many people_ , then the doors, fresh air and—ouch. He ran head-first into somebody and crumpled to the ground, felt something wet on his face and wiped at it with his good hand—water. Tears. Who did he run into? He turned and looked and there Zoe was, sitting a foot away, hand rubbing her forehead where he had hit her.

“Evan? You came! I didn’t expect—oh shit what happened? You went in didn’t you? What did he say?” She reached out to put a hand on his arm and he flinched away, shaking, rocking himself on the ground. _Of course you’re going to cry in front of Zoe Murphy again. Of course._ He choked the tears back. Zoe had to deal with that every day. What was he doing, crying about it in front of her?

“I’m fine, I just wasn’t expecting it and honestly I don’t know why because it’s Connor Murphy and I should have expected it and—oh my god I’m so sorry he’s your brother and that was so rude of me I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so…” He looked straight at her and saw her face for once. She had the most mournful expression, like she was about to cry too. He just looked at her for a moment, the silence somehow not painful. Then her chin wobbled and before he knew it, she was crying.

              “Oh my god I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry oh jesus—”

              “It’s not you!” She gulped down a sob, her voice thick with tears. Before he knew it, Evan had reached out and grabbed her elbow, helping her up. He saw a bench next to the door of the hospital and guided her to it, helping her sit and then perching himself next to her. She just continued to sob, a complete mess. He awkwardly reached out and patted her arm a few times. He had no idea what to do, so he just sat and let her cry. After a few minutes the sobs slowed and she looked at him.

              “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be losing my cool like this, I’m not even the one in the bed.” She sniffled a little bit and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve.

              “No it’s fine, it’s really fine. I freaked after a minute of it, I can’t imagine being forced to sit there for days on end. Do they always make you stay?”

              “Yeah, my parents want us to all stay involved. This is honestly some of the only time we spend with Connor, when he’s in the hospital or it’s visiting day at the rehab center. When he’s at home he just stays in his room and blasts music. I avoid him then, because he gets even worse when he’s high. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.” She looked down at her hands, which she was wringing in her lap once more.

              “It’s fine really. I uh, I didn’t know he was that bad. Like to live with, I mean.”

              “Connor? Yeah he’s pretty awful. My mom always defends him and says he’s just struggling but I don’t really see it. My dad thinks he’s just a jerk and doesn’t really let him get help. Maybe if he did get help it would be better, but for now he’s just awful. He scares me. Like it scares me to live with him—sometimes he’ll threaten to kill me or to break my guitar and my mom always just brushes it off like it doesn’t mean anything. And now that he’s in the hospital, it’s like he gets a free pass to say whatever he wants. Like usually my dad will tell him off but when he’s here the philosophy is that any engagement is good engagement so we’re just supposed to take whatever he says.” She quieted and looked at Evan. He seemed to have no issue looking at her now. His tears had dried and his body had calmed. Somehow hearing her problems pushed his own to the back of his mind. He continued sitting there, not responding.

              “I’m sorry I asked you to come. That wasn’t really fair. I’m just so tired and my parents make me come because they don’t want the nurses to get abused. Somehow me getting abused is better. They’re never here with me either, it’s like I’m the babysitter that gives them a break, but between school and jazz band and this I have no time to do homework or take care of myself and it just gets me so frazzled. I meant to be here when you showed up but I had to take a practical for jazz band that I forgot about and so I tried to do it right after school and I figured since I have a car I’d beat you here if you did come but I guess I missed you. I meant to be there. I figured if I was then he would keep a lid on it. He’s supposed to apologize to you, for taking the note and all that. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, that must have been awful.”

              As she spoke her voice became choked again. Evan could hear the tears creeping back in and reached out, like second nature, putting a hand gently on her leg.

              “Hey, it’s fine. I’m fine. See? I’m not freaking out. You don’t have to apologize. And you shouldn’t have to do this alone. That’s not fair.” He had meant the words to comfort her and stop the tears, but instead she just started crying for real.

              Without warning, she turned and threw her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder and crying into his shirt. His first reflex was to yank away, but he fought it, instead awkwardly, gently placing his arms around her. She was so small compared to him, he never would have expected it. And she smelled really good, that same sweet fragrance he had noticed at school yesterday. _Stop!_ He forced himself to pull his thoughts from how she smelled and instead tightened his hold around her as she fought the tears. His good hand started rubbing small circles on her back, like his mom used to do for him when he would cry. Still did, to be completely honest.

              After a while—it felt like hours (really _good_ hours) but could have been minutes—she pulled away and wiped at her eyes with her damp sleeve again. She started to speak, but he spoke first, cutting her off.

              “I’ll come back tomorrow. And the next day, and the day after that too if he’s still here. I’ll be here whenever you are. Just let me know when. And maybe tomorrow you could give me a ride, so we show up at the same time.” He didn’t even think as he was speaking, didn’t even consider what it meant. Hours spent in that room with the boy.

              “Oh Evan, you really don’t have to do that. I’m sorry to just vent to you like this. It’s just a lot right now.”

              “Zoe, you told me yesterday that if I ever needed somebody to talk to I could talk to you. I want you to know the same. If you ever want to vent like that, I’m here. And you’re not doing this alone. It’s unfair of your parents to ask so much of you. I’ll be here—if you’ll have me of course, like only if I’m invited, which I shouldn’t presume I am because that is just so rude—”

              “Of course you’re invited.” She broke in, recognizing his rambling anxiety taking over once more. “I just don’t want to force you to go through this too. It’s not easy.”

              “I’ll be here. If you’ll have me.” He listened to the words coming out of his mouth and almost didn’t recognize them as his own; they sounded calm and confident, the exact opposite of how he felt.

              “Ok. I’ll text you at school to coordinate the ride.” She looked at him again, her red eyes somehow looking happy. He couldn’t help himself; he gazed back and a smile broke through his anxious expression.

              “Evan?” His mother’s voice broke the moment. She bustled up ad then noticed Zoe, a look of pleasure lighting up her features.

              “Oh hi sweetie! I’m Heidi, Evan’s mom, what’s your name?” Zoe wiped her hand off on her jeans— _could she be worried about sweaty hands too?—_ and shook his mom’s hand.

              “I’m Zoe Murphy! It’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Hansen.”

              “Oh it’s just Heidi. You must be that Connor boy’s sister. Quite the potty mouth on him I’ve heard!” She giggled as Evan cringed again.

              “Yeah he’s pretty famous for it.” Zoe laughed awkwardly. “Anyways, I should be getting back up to him, my parents will be here any minute and I’m supposed to stay with him.” She stood and looked at Evan once more. “I’ll uhh, see you tomorrow then. And I’ll text you.” She smiled shyly.

              “Yeah I’ll uhh, respond to that text. Tomorrow. Goodbye.” He smiled but looked down at his hands, his mom’s presence negating the easy-going connection he’d had a moment before. Zoe turned and rushed away, hunched forward.

              “I’m sorry but did I miss something? When did you get so popular with the Murphy’s?” His mom’s playful tone told him what she was saying was a joke, but he was lost in space amid the tumult of his feelings. He was seeing Zoe tomorrow. _Zoe_. And Connor. A mix of fear and pleasure filled his mind, but he found that the excitement over-ruled the fear he had of Connor. Zoe was worth it.

              “Excuse me Mister, you are just totally lost in space aren’t you?” His mother’s voice broke in and she snapped once in front of his face to break him from his reverie. “Well I’m off early so we can go get that Greek food now. Tell me; the Murphy’s?” She pulled him up by his good arm and linked her elbow through his, walking briskly off into the night. Evan tripped along beside her, unable to stop a small smile from filling his face. _Zoe Murphy._


	6. Chapter 6

**Zoe: Hey Evan! Meet me in the parking lot right after class, ok? You know what my car looks like?**

**Evan: Yeah, it’s the blue bug, right? I’ll be there!**

**Zoe: Awesome, see you then :)**

              Evan reread the message four times throughout physics, double-checking. When the final bell rang he anxiously stood up, then sat back down and waited for everybody to clear out before standing again and following. He hated crowds.

When he got to the parking lot Zoe was already there, leaning against her car like she had been the day before yesterday.

“Am I late? I thought your text said to leave once class ended but maybe I misread it.” he started to pull his phone out to check.

“No silly, I just left a few minutes early because I finished my test and the teacher let me go. You’re fine!” She walked around the car and got in the driver’s side. He followed and gingerly opened the door to the passenger side.

“You want the aux cord?” She held up the black cord and offered it to him.

“Uhh, no that’s fine, you can just listen to what you normally listen to.”

“Ok, but no judging me!” She pulled out her phone and plugged it in. She took a few moments to make her selection and then set the phone down triumphantly. The song buffered for a few moments, then Evan was surprised to hear the opening to Hotel California by The Eagles.

“You listen to the oldies?” He smiled at her. She looked at him shyly, recognizing that he liked the song choice.

“Yeah, I listen to pretty much everything, but these will always have a special place in my heart. You like?”

“Yeah umm, yeah. It’s great.” He looked back down at his knees. He was worried she would try and make conversation over the music or ask him what he listened to, but she just bobbed her head and drummed on the steering wheel. He was surprised when she burst in with the chorus, singing in a melodic voice he wouldn’t have expected her to have. She didn’t even look to see if he was watching or seem to care. She just sang.

He caught himself staring at her as she matched the pitch perfectly and even began to harmonize over the famous lyrics. She didn’t seem to mind him watching her smiling and jamming out. He pulled his eyes away. He could watch her forever.

The drive into the city took about twenty minutes and in that time they covered the beginnings of the classics. Evan was getting so happy he was starting to tap along on his leg to the rhythm as well. If Zoe noticed she didn’t let on, which was good, because if she looked over he would have stopped. She just kept grooving.

Evan was enjoying himself so much that he almost forgot where they were going. When they pulled into the underground parking lot at the hospital he realized where they were and stopped his quiet drumming. Surprisingly, he wasn’t feeling that nervous anymore. Zoe would be there this time.

They walked together and rode the elevator up to the fourth floor, Zoe talking his ear off about all the songs she didn’t get to play him. By the time they were outside Connor’s room she had made him let her take him home so she could continue with their musical journey.

Evan stopped abruptly before walking in the door, the full weight of what he was about to do hitting him. The last few times he’d spoken to Connor he’d started having full blown panic attacks, which was a big deal since he crafted his entire life around avoiding them. And now here he was, walking back into the dragon’s cave. Zoe realized after a step that he wasn’t beside her anymore and turned around, seeing him rooted to the spot. She walked back and reached out and took his good hand, lacing her fingers through his and giving a reassuring squeeze.

“You don’t have to do this. Honestly just that drive over was what I needed. I feel like I can do anything right now. That was fantastic.”

Evan looked down at the floor and then cautiously into her eyes. She wasn’t pitying him. She understood.

“No I’m uhh, I’m gonna do it. I’m just gonna walk right in and it will be no big deal, right?” He looked down at where their hands were interlocked and just took it in for a moment.

“Yeah. Totally. You got this.” She squeezed once more and then let his hand go, keeping her eyes on his. They stood there for a moment and then she smiled widely, turning and walking ahead of him into the room. Evan followed.

Connor was still reclined in the bed, but somehow looked less frail. Evan stopped in the doorway again and just stared at him.

“Evan Hansen!” Connor’s voice boomed. “Good friend, I would like to offer you my most sincerest of apology’s for the trauma I inflicted upon you.” His voice was theatrical and saccharine.

Zoe stood at the end of the bed, her eyes locked on Evan’s face. He stayed where he was, his eyes locked on Connor’s and Connor returning the stare petulantly.

“I think there’s some more, right Connor?” Zoe turned to face her brother, prodding.

“I believe, my dear sister, that I have gotten the necessities out of the way. I don’t believe your presence is required for the rest.” Connor’s dry tone was an obvious dismissal. She turned back to Evan with a worried expression.

“I can stay, if you want. He can’t make me go.” Evan kept staring at Connor, not even looking at her as she spoke.

“No uhh, it’s fine. It’s fine.”

“Ok then I’m gonna go get a soda. Do you want one?”

“I’m ok, but thanks.” Evan finally broke his gaze from Connor and gave her a reassuring smile. She smiled back and gave his arm a gentle squeeze as she moved past him in the door, leaving the two boys alone. Evan turned his attention back to Connor.

“You want to bone my sister, don’t you?” Connor smiled at him from the bed and even though the question made him beyond uncomfortable, Evan could tell the boy was trying to be friendly.

“No, it’s not like that. That’s not what I meant in the letter and I’m uh, I’m sorry you saw it and thought that, but I swear it wasn’t like that and I didn’t mean for you to find it and—”

“Dude. Slow way the fuck down. And take a seat, you’re making me uncomfortable standing there like that.” Evan walked over and perched on the edge of the furthest chair from Connor. The boy smiled wryly but continued speaking.

“I know now that the letter wasn’t meant like that. At the time I had a lot of shit going on in my head and it was just like another fucking thing coming at me, you know? Like I know you didn’t mean it like that, but it was a bad combo to happen on that particular afternoon.”

Evan looked down and saw he was wringing his hands, twisting his fingers in rhythm.

“Yeah I get that.” He absentmindedly remembered the bottle of Nyquil and packets of Benadryl still sitting on the floor in his room. He understood all too well.

“You do?” Evan looked up and met Connor’s piercing gaze. He coughed into his elbow uncomfortably and chuckled awkwardly, avoiding the topic he had inadvertently tied himself too.

“Yeah, I uh,” he coughed again, his face turning red. “I just thought it was ironic, because before you saw the letter, when you uhh, signed my cast and all that that day, you see, it’s funny because I thought you wanted to like, maybe be friends or something, which sounds so corny now and I’m sure is wrong, but I just felt awful because then the whole letter thing happened and then well, you know…” Evan trailed off, his eyes travelling from the IV tube sticking out of the boy’s arm to his face, where he looked at Evan with an unreadable expression.

“I’m back!” Zoe burst into the room with a smile on her face and a coke can with a pink straw sticking out of it in her hand. She stopped once inside and looked from one boy to the other, reading the mood.

“Did he apologize?” She spoke to Evan, then turned to Connor. “Did you apologize?” She turned back to Evan and started speaking faster. “He was supposed to apologize, he better have done it or Mom and Dad are gonna kick your ass!” She turned back to Connor as she spoke and he started laughing, ignoring her anger.

“I did. Tell her Evan!” He kept laughing as he spoke. Evan looked at him for a moment more and then turned to Zoe, her face still twisted in rage.

“Yeah he uhh, he apologized. We’re good.”

“Really?” Her anger faded quickly.

“Yeah. Really.” Evan smiled at her, ducking his head.

“Ok good, because my parents are coming and unless you want to be totally interrogated we should probably dip before they get here. Tell them I was a good babysitter, ok Connor?” Evan looked at her in surprise; how could she go from joyful to enraged to joking just like that, in the space of a few sentences? She caught him looking and gave him a questioning glance, but he just looked away, picking up his backpack and standing.

“Ok sister, I got you.” Evan started following her as she turned and sauntered out of the room, sipping her coke.

“And Evan?” Connor called out and Evan stopped in the doorway, looking back.

“That thing you thought? When I signed your cast? You were right.” The words tumbled out of his mouth and for the first time since knowing him, Evan heard Connor speak with a lack of conviction, sounding unsure of himself. He half-smiled at the boy in the bed, his hand automatically going to the signature on the cast, tracing the big, clumsy letters. “Now get out of my room before I call security!” Connor’s voice reverted back to it’s old booming intensity, his awkward smile staying stuck on his face as Evan turned and wheeled out of the room behind Zoe.

In the hall she looked at him, her brow furrowed. “What was that?”

“That? Oh it was uhh, it was nothing. Just something stupid. Nothing really.” His hands started fidgeting again, grabbing at his shirt, then absently tracing the signature again.

“Ok José, whatever you say.” She let it go without pushing and he breathed out, silently thankful. How did she do that? She always knew when to push and when to leave it alone. She started going in on the music again, speculating over what to rock out too on the drive home and lighting up when she realized rush hour would give them more time together. Evan smiled at her and drank in the energy and excitement. Only Zoe Murphy could make _rush hour_ seem exciting.


	7. Chapter 7

              Evan stared at the ringing phone in his hand, waging an internal war against himself on whether to answer it or not. On the one hand, nobody ever called him, so if they did it must be important. On the other hand, the number wasn’t in his contacts and the thought of talking to a complete stranger was petrifying. On the seventh ring—the last one before it would go to message, he knew from previous experience—he pressed the green button and held the phone to his ear, holding his breath. Silence.

“…Hello?”

“Oh yeah um hi?” He let the breath out in an explosive gasp. He had forgotten you were supposed to speak first when called.

“Is this Evan Hansen?”

“Yes, um, it is him. I mean, uhh, yeah. I’m Evan.” He cursed himself silently.

“Oh, hi dear! This is Cynthia Murphy, Connor’s mom! I was just calling to see if you would like to come over for dinner tomorrow night. Zoe told me how you’ve been going to visit Connor with her and that just struck me as so sweet, I figured you could just come home tomorrow night with her and have a nice meal.”

“Ohh uhh, that’s very sweet Mrs. Murphy, but I really wouldn’t want to intrude, I’m sure you’re just so busy right now and—”

“Nonsense! I’m cooking and I insist you come. Also you can call me Cynthia. Zoe will give you a ride home after as well, we wouldn’t want to inconvenience your mother. Oh, Larry and I are just so excited to meet you! Well I won’t keep you for long, I’m sure you have homework to attend to. We’ll see you tomorrow! Oh I almost forgot to ask; do you eat chicken? I’m planning on making a nice chicken parmesan, but I could use eggplant if you’re vegetarian.”

“No uhh, chicken is fine. Thanks Mrs. Murphy.”

“Just Cynthia! Ok Evan. We look forward to seeing you. Goodbye now!” He started to say goodbye one more time but she had hung up.

 _How did that just happen?_ He had been excited for, yet dreading the next day at the hospital because Connor was going to be released the day after, so it would be his last day with any excuse to hang out with Zoe. Now he was somehow going to dinner at her house? And— _oh god_ —her parents.

He was lost in thought ten minutes later trying to brainstorm ways to get out of the dinner without missing going to the hospital when his phone buzzed in his hand. It surprised him so much he accidentally tossed it into the air and fumbled to catch it. It bounced off his cast and landed on the ground. He leaned over the edge of the bed and picked it up. It was a text from Zoe.

**Zoe: omg I’m so sorry about that. My mom can be so pushy sometimes. She really doesn’t get it.**

**Evan: Oh it’s ok! Idk if I can do a dinner like that though.**

**Zoe: I would totally understand if you want to not do it, I can make an excuse to my parents for you if you want. I could also just give you the lowdown on how to talk to them though. They’re pretty predictable.**

**Evan: What do you mean?**

**Zoe: Oh well I’ll tell you more tomorrow, but essentially you get my dad talking about baseball or how to begin investing and you just ask my mom what she likes to do and they can both go on for hours. I’ll give you pointers tomorrow, ok?**

**Evan: ok. Maybe.**

**Zoe: Let me just say, Connor is 10x easier than my parents. Gotta go study now, meet you at my car tomorrow after school?**

**Evan: yeah ofc! Seeya tomorrow.**

**Zoe: :)**

              Evan stared at his phone screen, wondering if he should send a smiley back or not. He decided against it, didn’t want to seem too desperate. Dinner with the Murphy’s. _Shit_. For Zoe, he would do it.

* * *

              The car door slammed shut a little harder than he intended and Evan turned bashfully to Zoe, feeling bad. She didn’t seem to notice, putting the bug in reverse and looking over her shoulder to back out of their spot in the underground garage.

              He didn’t know it was possible to enjoy an afternoon as much as he had, but somehow sitting there and just talking with Zoe and Connor made him feel at ease and just… _normal_. They hadn’t even talked about anything important; starting with cool mods he could make to his cast for higher functionality—obviously pockets, perhaps some swiss army knife tech—and moving on to what songs would sound the worst covered by jazz bands. Zoe did most of the talking and Evan was content to let her. Both him and Zoe seemed surprised when Connor wanted to pipe in to add his opinions, without any snot or rudeness.

              At one point Evan had started in on the topic of trees—comparing a jazz song to a weeping willow and getting a bit carried away—and had stopped when he felt the intensity of the siblings eyes on him. Both Connor and Zoe had been sitting there, just listening to him, soaking up what he said like they actually _cared_. It felt weird. It felt nice. Now it was six pm and they were heading to the Murphy home. Evan gulped.

              “I haven’t seen Connor like that in a long time.” Zoe looked straight ahead as she spoke, the tone of her voice neutral.

              “What do you mean?”

              “I don’t know, just… sober, I guess? Happy-ish? I never really see him bantering or even really talking or anything like that.”

              “Oh. I think he liked it. Or it seemed like he did. Though I don’t know if I could lift my cast after all the mods he wants to make to it.” Evan awkwardly lifted the cast up in the air to emphasize the joke, then realized how dumb that was and awkwardly lowered it to his lap again. Zoe just kept looking ahead, pensive.

              In a burst she snapped out of it, turning to him with a wide smile on her face.

              “So, my parents.”

              “Yeah about that, it’s really nice and all but I probably shouldn’t push it and I don’t want to like, interfere with your whole family or whatever, like you probably want me to just go home—”

              “I don’t want you to go home. So my mom is crazy. That’s the first thing you need to know. Just smile and nod and if she stops talking say ‘tell me more!’ and she’ll just launch right in again. She loves it. My dad is all about sports and I hate them so if possible just keep my mom talking, ok? It’ll be easy, they don’t even know you but they already love you—they’re just enchanted with the idea of Connor having a friend. Never mind the fact that you’re actually my friend, right?” She didn’t pause to let him answer before launching in again.

              “Anyways, I told them we have a lot of homework for math so it should stay short and sweet, and I can give you a ride home after. I think we’re due to move past the oldies and start listening to some new stuff, don’t you?”

              “Yeah, sure. Ok. Sure. I can, I can just listen, right? They’ll just do all the talking.” Evan spoke mostly to himself and Zoe turned and smiled at him again.

              “If all else fails, give me the signal and I’ll do an emergency rescue.”

              “And what is the signal?”

              “How about this?” She took both hands off the wheel and put them in prayer pose on top of her head—bent slightly because there wasn’t much headroom in her bug—and started moving her head from left to right, doing an Egyptian-style dance. She couldn’t hold it for long before breaking into giggles. Evan glanced nervously at the wheel but caught himself laughing nonetheless.

              “Ok it might be a variation of the signal, but I’ll let you know if I need rescuing.”

              “Sounds good. Now play some music. Don’t worry, you can play from my collection so you know I’ll like it.” She held her phone out to him and he took it nervously, scrolling through. He found all her Beatle’s songs and put them on shuffle. She grinned at him and starting singing the lyrics to Hey Jude with maximum drama. Evan smiled. This would be ok.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

              Their house was huge. Evan didn’t know why he hadn’t expected it; Zoe drove a powder blue bug and Connor had his own car—some sort of black sedan—and they didn’t show up to school together. Evan had rarely seen Zoe repeat full outfits and knew she rotated between three different guitars for jazz band. Even just from what she’d told him; the rehab programs Connor had been sent to, the family vacations she’d nonchalantly mentioned, the fact that her mom didn’t work, he should have known. Still, he was surprised to pull up in front of a two-story mansion with a wrap-around porch and a three car garage.

              Zoe parked in the driveway, which meant that all the garage bays were taken up, which meant her dad and mom both had their own cars as well.

A white oak sat in front of the house, massive, at least a hundred years old. Evan marveled at it’s trunk and smiled at how the branches were left to grow naturally, not cut up for appearances. He could imagine Zoe as a rambunctious child, making Connor boost her to the first split so she could climb the rest. He looked up the branches and reflexively started planning the best route.

              “As appealing as climbing this tree and not doing dinner sound, I’m pretty sure my mom would be a bit disappointed if we no-showed.” Evan was yanked from his planning and realized he had walked up to the tree and put his hand on the cool bark subconsciously. Zoe was standing about ten feet behind him, smiling wryly. He could only smile embarrassedly and shove his hands in his pockets. He couldn’t help it.

              They walked up the front steps and Evan fought surprise as Zoe twisted the knob and just walked through the front door. He didn’t know why, but he figured a family like this would lock their front door. Or perhaps he’d been expecting her to knock? _It’s her own house, dumbass_.

He awkwardly stepped out of his shoes, following Zoe’s lead in the entryway. She dumped her backpack on the floor and walked through a tall archway towards the kitchen. Evan stood, frozen, taking in the house. The entryway was circular, with a staircase wrapping around, leading to the second floor. The ceiling here must be thirty feet high, with a massive chandelier hanging in the center of the grand foyer. He brought his eyes down and saw Zoe looking at him—was she nervous?

“My parents got that on their honeymoon in Italy. The chandelier, I mean. My mom said she had to have it and my dad showed off and bought it and had it shipped back. It’s so bourgeoisie, but that’s them. Trust me, they’ll love you.”

Evan held his breath, prepared for the nervous stomach flip that was supposed to accompany situations like this, but again, it didn’t come. He trusted Zoe. He couldn’t help it. She started walking through the archway again and this time he followed her.

The kitchen was huge as well, with a big island and a counter that wrapped all the way around it and out into the open space with barstools facing it. There were two ovens and a double refrigerator and the stove had one of those hoods over it like in restaurants. It was very bright and warmly lit and open and Cynthia Murphy was standing in front of the sink, peeling carrots the same color as her hair and dancing to the Frank Sinatra playing over the speakers that must have been wired into the building itself.

“Mom, Evan and I are home.” Zoe spoke with a weight of expectation, her embarrassment at her mom’s dance moves clear in her voice. Evan stood awkwardly on the threshold of the room, wringing his hands. Cynthia turned with a look of surprise and laid eyes on him for the first time, her face lighting up.

“Evan! What a pleasure to finally meet you! If you heard the way Zoe goes on about you!” She exclaimed in happiness as she bustled over and gave him a hug. He was surprised at how short she was, maybe just 5’ 1” or so. He awkwardly held his arms in the air and looked at Zoe helplessly with her mother latched onto him. She was warm and soft and smelled like expensive perfume. _Zoe goes on about me?_

She let him go and put her hands on his shoulder, looking him in the eye. He met her gaze momentarily and turned to look at Zoe once more, who was already reaching in to pull her mother away.

“Jeez mom, give the poor guy some space! You’ve barely met him and already he smells like he just walked out of Chanel.”

“If that’s your way of saying I’m wearing too much perfume, it’s not working dear. I like the way I smell.” Mrs. Murphy harrumphed and waddled back over to the sink to continue peeling. There was really no other way to describe how she moved, so short yet so fast. Evan stood there and settled for wringing his shirt, not wanting to make his hands sweatier.

“Do you want something to drink? We have water and soda and we usually have milk but I think Connor finished that…” Zoe looked at him, suddenly shy again.

“Uhh, water is fine.” Evan continued to stand, taking in the scene in front of him. Zoe got the water and handed him his glass a moment later, drinking from her own. He took a sip and realized the glass was real glass, not the acrylic stuff the ones at home were made of. He set it down and wiped his hand on his pants to make sure it wasn’t sweaty. Breaking a glass was not how he wanted to make his first impression.

“So how was the hospital? How’s Connor? Dinner should be ready in fifteen or so which is right when Larry will be home.”

“Connor’s fine.”

“What do you mean by fine? More specific, please.”

“He’s doing ok. He was even joking with us and laughing a bit at the end. And my day was fine too, by the way. Thanks for asking.” Zoe slumped into a chair at the breakfast table on the other side of the counter. She silently patted the seat next to her without really looking at Evan and he gratefully slunk over to her.

“Obviously I care about your day Zoe, don’t get snippy with me in front of our guest. You know I’m just worried about Connor. How about you go set the table for dinner?”

Zoe rose with maximum attitude and Evan got up to follow her.

“Oh Evan, sweetie, no need for that! Zoe can do it!”

“No it’s fine Mrs. Murphy, I’d like to help!” He almost couldn’t escape the kitchen fast enough, he was so scared of being left alone with her.

“Lovely, isn’t she?” Zoe spoke low, under her breath as they walked through another arch to what must have been the dining room. Evan grimaced sympathetically.

* * *

“So Evan, do you play any sports?” Larry looked at him searchingly and Evan fought to keep his knife sawing across the over-cooked children. _Act natural_.

“Umm, no actually, I’m not really too athletic? Like once in second grade, we were playing kickball, and this kid served it to me, and my teacher had to stop them and serve it instead because they served too fast, and she served it slowly but when I went to kick it I somehow, like, stepped on it? And I tripped and fell over and ever since then I don’t really like sports.” He stopped and looked at the grey-haired man before realizing what he’d said.

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t like sports, but I don’t really like playing sports, because, you know, I’m not that athletic, but I love watching sports! I mean, I don’t do it that much, but when I do it’s really fun.” He faded out lamely and put a piece of chicken in his mouth so he’d have an excuse to stop talking. Mr. Murphy just laughed.

“That’s absolutely fine! What do you like to do with your free time? Are you a computer person? I know that game, what is it, Legion of Legends? I know it’s pretty popular right now.” He smiled amiably.

“I uhh, I really like trees.” Evan said. He looked around the table. Mrs. Murphy looked on, avidly excited, perhaps waiting for a point to launch into her own story? Zoe was smiling to herself, as if in on a private joke. Mr. Murphy was just looking at him, confused. Evan wanted to sink into his seat.

“Yeah he’s a real tree expert. You should have seen him looking at the old oak out front.” Zoe snapped out of her silence and jumped to his rescue. “He did a really cool internship with the park rangers this past summer too, right Evan?”

“Oh yeah, I uhh, shadowed a park ranger and we cataloged trees in the state park that are diseased and stuff. It was really cool, and I learned a lot about maintaining a forest like that.”

“So what does one do with a large amount of forest expertise after high school?” Again, the expectation in Mr. Murphy’s gaze made Evan feel about two inches tall.

“Well if I can afford college I’ll do that, and then I wouldn’t mind being a park ranger.”

“Trees don’t ask too many questions, right?” Zoe spoke from across the table and her eyes sparkled with mischief. Her mom gave her a stern look but quickly turned to Evan and spoke.

“We honestly wanted to do this dinner to thank you for spending so much time with Zoe at the hospital these past few days. We know it can be a bit of a chore to be around Connor sometimes and we’re just so appreciative that you took the time from everything else you must have going on. I’m sure senior year is just so busy for you!” Evan flashed back on all the afternoons spent lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he should bother anymore.

“Not really that busy.” He mumbled.

“What was that dear?” Cynthia leaned in towards him.

“Oh uh, nothing. I was just saying how Connor isn’t that hard to be around. He’s actually pretty funny. I’ve liked spending this time with him.”

“Shame you weren’t friends before he had to go and be an attention seeking fool then. I’m sure you guys can exchange letters while he’s away.” Mr. Murphy’s gruff voice broke the mood.

“What do you mean, away?” Zoe turned to her father, anger apparent in her tone of voice.

“Well I think it’s clear that home life post-rehab didn’t suit him too well, so we’ve decided to send him back to that boarding school in Pennsylvania.” Mr. Murphy stared at his chicken with intense concentration as he spoke, as though glaring at it would make the knife’s course easier.

“Dad, you know he hated it there. He was completely miserable! He tried to escape, and he hurt himself, and you’re really going to send him back?”

“Watch your tone Zoe. We’re doing what’s best for him.”

“No, you’re doing what’s best for you! Out of sight, out of mind, right? You should have seen him today; he was actually happy! He was smiling, and laughing, and enjoying himself!”

“Well now he’ll have something to look forward to when he comes back!”

“We had plans!”

“You what?” Mr. Murphy’s tone was deep, enraged. “You made plans with him? You can’t promise him anything! Why would you do that?”

“It’s better than making plans for him, Dad. Him and Evan and I were going to go out tomorrow when they let him out from the hospital.”

“And where exactly were you planning on going?” Mr. Murphy sneered. Evan looked at her questioningly too. _What was she doing?_ She looked at him helplessly.

“We uhh, we were going to go get ice cream, right Zoe?” Evan prompted her, not daring to meet Mr. Murphy’s eyes as he spoke.

“Yeah. We were going to drive out to Á La Mode. And then maybe go to the orchard!” Her voice rose in pitch as she spoke, desperate for her plan to ring true.

“Were you now?” Larry looked down on her, condescendingly. Evan realized how scary the man could be, even towards his own daughter. They all sat there for a moment, frozen by the weight and hatred of his words. Zoe looked at him, fear tempered with anger in her expression. Cynthia looked on, as though afraid to break the stalemate.

“Ok.” The air went out of Larry in a rush, leaving him slumped in his seat, just a man again; a father.

“Ok?” Zoe questioned.

“He can have a month here. To see if he’ll try with therapy, and try to stay clean, and try at school. If he doesn’t, he’s going to the school. If he makes an ounce of trouble, that’s it. It’s over.”

“He won’t.”

“I hope to god you’re right, Zoe.” They sat and ate in silence for a moment that seemed to stretch into infinity.

“So, Evan, tell us about your other friends! Who would you be hanging out with if Zoe didn’t drag you away?” Cynthia smiled warmly at him, as though the last five minutes hadn’t occurred.

“I uhh, spend a lot of my time doing homework, to tell you the truth.” The silence that fell was uncomfortable. He could feel their eyes, previously friendly, turning to pity. He could picture them patting him on the back when he left, fake-smiling, acting like they wanted to see him again and breathing a sigh of relief when the door closed behind him. His neck grew hot and he could feel his palms begin to sweat, his heart starting to beat faster. They could see right through this excuse, they could tell how utterly alone he was, how beneath their daughter and even their son—

“He spends a lot of time with me, actually. He’s been helping me practice my sight-reading and pitch and stuff. You know how I’m always at school practicing.” Evan looked at Zoe, shock in his eyes but his lips still pressed tightly closed.

“Well why did you never mention him?” Cynthia smiled at her daughter conspiratorially, implying the obvious. Zoe looked at her flatly.

“You never asked.” They eyed each other testily. The silence stretched and Evan saw his opportunity to return the favor.

“So, Mrs. Murphy, Zoe was telling me you love to work out?”

“Oh, do call me Cynthia! And she shouldn’t say _I_ love to work out, she absolutely loves to come with me!” She continued on, going into programs and personal trainers and fads and her ideas on what _really_ worked when it came to weight loss. Zoe looked at him gratefully and he smiled down at his plate.

* * *

“I am so sorry about that.” They sat in the driveway together, the engine not even turned on yet.

“It wasn’t _too_ bad.” Evan tried to console her. They sat there for a moment longer and then bust up laughing. Just completely lost it, holding their bellies and wiping tears and trying to pull themselves together.

“Oh god Evan, please don’t ever become an actor!” Zoe guffawed and lost it again.

“I think it’s pretty clear my future lies in the trees!” Evan responded, gaining a bare thread of composure, red-faced and smiling, wiping a tear from his eye.

“My dad is normally not that much of a dick, I promise. Connor gets him wired. Makes him look bad at work, you know?”

“I’m sure that’s hard for him.” Evan tried to stay diplomatic.

“He’s a snot and we both know it.” Zoe giggled once more, riding out the laughter. Evan laughed with her, not trying to hold it in anymore. As it faded, he turned to face Zoe.

“What I really don’t get is why you wanted Connor to stay. It seemed before like you were scared of him, like he was some sort of monster. Now you’re advocating to have that monster live in the room next to you.” Zoe stopped giggling and the car fell dead-silent. Evan wished he could take the words back, restart the laughter.

“You’ve never seen him post-attempt. I told you this wasn’t his first time trying, right?” Evan nodded.

“Normally afterwards, they pump him full of drugs and make some sort of plan and send him home to carry it out. He’s never himself. The pills kind of mute him. He’s all quiet, and ghost-like, and it’s like living with a shadow. Then time passes. They wean him off the hard stuff so he can function again in school. He starts skipping doctors appointments. He buys more drugs, blasts his music, fights with my dad and terrorizes me. He’s got all these demons inside and they never go away, no matter how he tries to kill them. They always come back, and they’re always stronger. They always win.” She broke off, staring at the wheel in front of her.

“This time is different. Like I told you earlier, I hadn’t seen him laugh in ages. He was joking _with_ you. Like he could have been making fun of you, he knew what buttons to push, but he didn’t. He _wants_ to get better, I can feel it. And my dad doesn’t see that, won’t even give him a chance! I don’t know, I could be wrong. I could be totally off base and maybe in a month I’ll hate myself for ever thinking he could change. But today, I saw my brother in there. The one I used to have, without any of those demons. And I guess I want to know what it’s like to have him back.”

They sat there for a minute. Evan didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, you probably think I’m crazy, after the hospital the other day and then me completely flipping a one-eighty on it and—”

“No.” Evan interrupted. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re loyal, and compassionate, and brave.” His cheeks reddened as he spoke.

“Well, I don’t think I can take credit for him being better this time. I think it’s you, Evan. I think he sees you as a friend. And I hope you don’t mind I totally signed you up to get ice cream with us tomorrow.” She smiled at him, the serious mood broken. Evan smiled back.

“I think I can live with some ice cream.”

“Good, because it’s my treat. For having to go through the ordeal that was that dinner!” She started the engine and handed him her phone. “Now what do you know about the Arctic Monkeys?”


	9. Chapter 9

              “You’re totally gonna bang Zoe Murphy!” Jared slapped Evan on the back as he spoke, plopping himself down next to him on the tiny bed. Evan promptly rose and, seeing no other seat in his small room, perched on the edge of the bed, as if ready to fly at any given moment.

              “No no no, I told you it wasn’t like that! We’re just friends.”

              “Friends that have hung out literally every afternoon for the past week? Friends that sit in her car and talk for hours about life and love and their _feelings_? Yeah Hansen, you’re definitely _friends_.” He made air-quotes as he emphasized the last word.

              “We’ve only seen each other every day because she didn’t want to go to the hospital alone, and we’re only hanging out again tomorrow because Connor’s getting out. I don’t even know if we’ll be friends after this.”

              “You will. What did she say, you have a permanent ticket to ride or some shit? You’re set dude.”

              “I don’t know. Tomorrow’s going to be the first day we’ve hung out outside of the hospital, with Connor out of the bed and no nurses hovering like ten feet away.”

              “Yeah there is always the fact that her brother is completely psychotic. Maybe it’s best to keep her as just a friend. Save your neck in the long run, ya feel?”

              “He’s not psychotic, he’s just got some issues.”

              “Yeah, like that issue he had with the printer in second grade? Or the issue he had with going to class last year? Perhaps the issue he has with no drugs on school property, or the education system in general. Don’t you remember how he tried to kill you literally just this week?”

              As Jared spoke, Evan bit his lip and thought on it. Connor had done all those things and more, yet these past few days at the hospital he had been different. It was hard to explain, intangible even, but very much there. The desire to not burn the bridge as he built it. Sometimes Evan had seen a cruel thought or joke coming into his mind and him actively shrugging it off. Just as often he did utter the words, followed by his bellowing laugh, but when he would see Evan flinch or Zoe give him a glare he would drop his shoulders and leave it alone. Why was that enough, all of a sudden?

              “So you’re saying I shouldn’t hang out with him tomorrow?” Evan looked down at his cast and traced the giant scrawled signature once more.

              “Not if you value your life, my friend.” Jared leaned across the bed and grabbed Evan’s shoulder as he spoke. Evan shrugged his hand off and looked at the ground.

              “So we’re friends now?”

              “If it means I get my car payments and save you from the jaws of doom that are Connor Murphy, then yes.”

              “He’s not that bad Jared.” Evan mumbled.

              “You’re getting distracted by the girl, Hansen. Eye on the prize!”

              “I mean, I don’t think it’s very right to talk about a person like that, first of all. Second of all, I don’t think cutting Connor off is the way to Zoe’s heart. Or like, the way to make her like me or… you know what I mean! She’s really, um, excited about the prospect of him getting better.” He didn’t see fit to mention that he was too. The possibility of a friend who didn’t have a fiscal reason to hang out with him was nice.

              “It’s simple. Cut the brother out, woo the girl. You’re set. Just gotta get rid of Murphy, which by past reasoning seems like a self-solving problem.”

              “What do you mean?”

              “Exactly what I said! You give it about a month and he’ll be back to his semi-violent stoner self in no time!” Jared smiled.

              “I can’t believe you would say that. That’s just so… wrong! He’s going to get better!”

              “Sure, of course he is. Whatever you say Hansen. Just remember it serves your interests best if he doesn’t. You can be the shoulder for Zoe to cry on! If you really think that, then maybe you could help him along, ya know? Like maybe some weed or pills or whatever his drug of choice is just finds its way into his backpack or bedroom or whatever. Maybe the cute lil romance you’ve got going with him ends suddenly, for reasons he’s not sure of. Nothing like unrequited love to send someone off on a bender.”

              “That’s messed up, Jared. He doesn’t have feelings for me.”

              “You’re right, he totally just signed your cast in six-inch letters and got pissed at your sad sex-letter because he’s a good older brother to his sister. Not because it was about her and not him or anything weird like that. Totally.”

              “Look, he’s not gay, and he’s not going to relapse, and I know I didn’t really know him before but I feel as though he has a really good shot at feeling better right now! And even if he didn’t, it would crush Zoe if I just started acting like a dick to him for no reason.” Evan got up and started pacing as he spoke, pulling on his shirt with every step.

              “Ah! So you are doing this for the girl! Knew it.”

              “So what if I am? She’s nice and I think we’re friends now and I don’t see why that’s a problem.” Evan crossed his arms and glared at Jared.

              “Jeez ok, I’m sorry.” Jared put his hands up. “It’s not like you to care is all I’m saying.”

              “Maybe it is. Maybe you just don’t know me.” Evan jammed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground.

              “Maybe I don’t. You’re full of surprises, Hansen. Try not to get murdered by the psycho when you make a move on his sister, ok? I need you around. Insurance has got to get paid, am I right? Kleinman out.” Jared slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out of the room, leaving Evan standing there, contemplative.

              He sure had gotten himself into an odd position. He liked Zoe, and he could feel that maybe she potentially could feel the same about him. But the idea of spending more time with Connor had his stomach in knots. He realized he was excited at the idea of Connor that Zoe had given him. The Connor she could see in her mind’s eye, that didn’t really exist. _Yet_.

              And now he was waiting on both. Waiting to see if him and Zoe would happen. Waiting to see if he could be friends with Connor. If either one failed or didn’t pan out, he was screwed. How had he gotten himself here? He could barely deal with his own mind and now he was somehow entangled in two others. Somehow, he mattered to them. As much as this whole situation was causing him angst and worry, a warm glow grew in his stomach. He mattered.

              And tomorrow, he would go and get ice cream and be with two friends. The makings of a perfect day.


	10. Chapter 10

              Evan was tense. The bug had become a sort of sanctuary for him over the past few days, a place where he and Zoe could let their guard completely down. She would sing her heart out and he had even begun to hum with her, going so far as to sing along once to the chorus of a Bon Jovi song he remembered from driving with his dad. Now that safe haven was broken, with Connor sticking his head forward from the backseat between them, scrolling through his own phone plugged into the aux cord.

              Evan wasn’t forgetting the words they had exchanged in the hospital, but those words didn’t erase the years prior. How could he forget Connor pushing him down in the hallway, just earlier that week? Mocking him for breaking his arm falling from a tree? He couldn’t. Yet they were at peace now, somehow, tenuously. He fought Jared’s words down in the back of his mind. _Connor is changing_. He had to believe it.

              “Nothing too hard, Connor. We like stuff we can sing along to.” Zoe warned Connor as she began backing out of their spot, jokingly pushing his head aside so she could use her rearview. The bug did not have much room.

              “You’ve already relegated me to languish here in the back Zo, you think I could at least play the music I want!”

              “Evan has permanent shotgun rights in my car, I told you. Now play something already!” Evan smiled to himself at her words. Permanent shotgun rights implied future drives.

              Connor finally settled on some EDM song that Evan had never heard before. There were no words but it was beautiful, trance-like. Connor noticed him paying attention to the song.

              “It’s even better when you’re high. You straight feel like you’re flying, and—” Zoe glared at him in the rearview. “Which I’m not going to be because I’m clean now, right Evan?” Connor smacked Evan on the shoulder in a way that was perhaps meant to be playful, but actually kind of hurt. Evan rubbed his shoulder quietly while Connor sat ramrod straight in the back, bopping his knee to the beat, hands in his lap.

              The rest of the drive passed with them all in silence, appreciating the playlist Connor had put on. Even Zoe started bobbing her head with the rhythm, feeling it. Evan tried to relax but it was hard. There was just so much there with Connor, and his feelings for Zoe. He was finding himself in positions like this altogether too much lately. He had always wanted friends, but they came with a whole lot of feelings and worry attached.

              When they arrived at the ice cream place, Zoe started smiling and turned affectionately to Connor.

              “I almost forgot about coming here! We used to love this place. Remember how you would always order the most disgusting flavor combos? It used to make dad so mad.”

              “Yeah, he never really sprung for my more alternative modes of thought, did he?” Connor wrapped his arm around his sister as he spoke and caught Evan with the crook of his other, pulling them both towards him in a soul-crushing side hug. Evan stiffened and tried to duck out unsuccessfully. Connor didn’t seem to notice, walking across the parking lot to the little store front. He finally let them go to open the door, then held it open and bowed while Evan walked through ahead of Zoe. “Yeah, ladies first Hansen, exactly what I was thinking.” Connor laughed as Evan’s cheeks reddened.

              Zoe elbowed Connor in the side and gave him a warning look. Evan pretended to not notice as he looked at the menu hung above them. He pretended he didn’t know what he wanted so Zoe would order first. She ordered strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone with rainbow sprinkles. It was so quintessentially Zoe. Connor went next and ordered a scoop of cotton candy ice cream with a scoop of mocha ice cream, with gummy worms on top. He laughed at the poor serving boy’s facial expression at hearing his order and Evan couldn’t help but crack a small smile. He ordered a scoop of mint-chip in a cup. Zoe paid and Evan tried—unsuccessfully—to give her money for his.

              “You have done more for me than you know Evan. This is on me, for real. You can owe me one. For next time,” She smiled.

              “Next time?” Evan asked. “Yeah. Ok. Next time. Soon.” He blushed as he spoke.

Connor had already sat at a table in front of the window and beckoned them over. He was relishing each bite of his ice cream, making sure to get an even mix of both flavors with each spoonful. Evan wondered if he actually liked it or just did it for the showmanship. If so, he seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit.

              They passed the time amiably, talking about their classes and the football team at their school. A big scandal had apparently happened that week with the football coach offering some of his elite players drugs. Half the starting line-up had been cut and the coach suspended, so now their award winning team was going to be starting their bench-warmers and coached by the assistant coach.

Their conversation followed a funny pattern. They would get onto a new topic and Connor would start cracking his jokes, always wry, usually inappropriate. After each one he would tell, Zoe would either respond and start bantering back and forth. Connor would respond, but was always looking at Evan to gauge the reception to his initial jokes. Evan flinched at the gay jokes, the suicide jokes, there was even one holocaust joke in there that Zoe called her brother out for. As they kept talking though, Evan found himself laughing more than flinching. He even got a crack in every once in a while, with a good amount of teasing for the fact that most of his jokes were tree based. Evan was enjoying himself. Again. With Connor Murphy. _And Zoe_.

              After an hour or so of just hanging out, the conversation reached a natural lull and Evan could feel their time wrapping up. He didn’t want to assume they’d hang out again, so he tried to relish every moment, looking at Zoe and Connor’s faces and taking in their natural, easy smiles. He noticed that he had one of his own too.

              “So!” Connor slammed his hands down on the table and Evan jumped about two feet in the air. Zoe glared at Connor. “I say we make this a tradition, what say you? Sans the whole picking me up from the hospital post-suicide attempt. Perhaps just every Friday after school we have a ‘congrats on not killing yourself Connor!’ celebration at Á La Mode. Whaddya say? Or it could be a ‘Congrats Evan’ party. Or Zoe. I don’t know y’alls deal.” He looked from face to face at the table.

              “Y-yeah. I think that could be ok.” Evan responded.

              “I’d like that too.” Zoe said. She was looking at Evan as she spoke, smiling warmly. Evan looked back and formed his own dopy grin. Connor looked between the two of them, his smile becoming a bit more forced, a stormy look in his eyes.

              “Well isn’t that grand. Now I have something to get me through each god forsaken week. And you too, Evan! No more creepy sex letters for you, am I right?” The cruel gleam was back in his eyes as he spoke. Evan’s smile fell from his face and he looked down at his lap. He hadn’t wrung his hands through the entire time they were there, but now he did, pulling his fingers through each other. Zoe glared at her brother and reached out and gently put her hand over Evan’s, looking him in the eye.

              “We’re past that now. I think you should be too, Connor,” She said, turning to face her brother.

              “It was just a joke, Zo. My pal Evan here knew that, right?” He reached out and slapped Evan on the shoulder good naturedly, jolting him from looking at where Zoe’s hand rested over his. He looked from brother to sister and back to where their hands touched in his lap.

              “Yeah. Actually I did. I uhh, I actually don’t write those anymore. Haven’t written one all week.”

              “Really? You don’t need them? That’s awesome.” Zoe squeezed his hand with hers and he didn’t pull away. It felt like electricity where they touched, as though there were a million nerve endings in his hands, which had previously been blocks of wood.

              “It’s nice to have a friend that isn’t yourself, isn’t it?” Connor’s voice held a tone of seriousness that his playful banter hadn’t thus far. The cruel look he had previously was gone. He looked in Evan’s eyes and Evan looked back, able to form a hesitant smile. Was Connor showing his feelings?

              “Yeah. Yeah it is.” And there in that ice cream shop, with the sun setting through the window, Evan realized that he had gained himself two friends in the Murphy siblings. As fraught as things might be next week, right now he could just relish friendship, Zoe’s hand still on his, Connor’s smile open and trusting instead of cruel and malicious for once.


	11. Chapter 11

              Over the next few weeks, Evan and Zoe and Connor fell into an easy rhythm. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Zoe would give Evan a ride to her place and they’d do homework together and hang out, watching movies or talking about life. On Tuesdays she had jazz band and on Thursdays he had therapy, so they wouldn’t see each other, though it wasn’t out of character for them to exchange funny memes they would find via text. Connor would sometimes be there with them and sometimes not. He often had therapy appointments that moved around, but whenever possible he would slouch on a bean bag in the living room with them and toss jokes out into the studious silence, somehow never doing any work of his own. Fridays were their traditional celebration at Á La Mode, with Connor offering a warm congratulations and heartfelt speech to whoever happened to have had the shittiest week that week. Usually it was himself.

              They had started eating lunch together too. Evan had been walking out to the isolated courtyard at school where he usually ate his lunch sitting against a young cherry tree when Zoe had followed him out the Monday after their first trip to Á La Mode. She had plopped herself down and unpacked her lunch and started going off about her history teacher and the mockery he was making of the civil war. Evan had sat there and listened and laughed with her and after that it just became routine, even as the days got colder. Connor had eventually joined them, and neither Evan nor Zoe saw fit to mention the fact that he definitely had class during their lunch period. He was really starting to open up and share more with them, making self-deprecating jokes and even doling out the occasional compliment.

              The changes in him were visible as the days passed. Where before his skin had been sallow and his cheeks sunken, now he had filled out and, while still almost vampirically pale, had a pink undertone to his skin that belied health. He used to carry a constant odor of tobacco and weed and smoke with him wherever he went, but now he was starting to gain his own scent, a mix of aftershave and deodorant and his own musk that had never really emerged with the amount of substances he put on his body.

              As the days passed, it became easier and easier for Evan to let his guard down around Connor. At first, Connor’s off-color comments and vulgar jokes would still send him reeling, chewing on his lip or picking at his cast or sometimes even beginning to hyperventilate. Those times, it took a mixture of Zoe’s soothing presence and words and Connor’s apologies—now much more easily forthcoming—to bring him back. Now, when Connor joked, Evan could just laugh along with it. It helped that the jokes improved in taste too.

              They had all been kind of surprised when Jared had walked out one day and sat down in their small circle as well. He had justified it by claiming it was good to befriend the weird ones early so that when they did decide to shoot up the school, your ass was saved. Zoe and Evan had both looked tensely at Connor, but he had given out his traditional bellowing laugh and started flipping Jared shit about how he’d be sure to shoot him first, if it ever came down to it. A reassuring hand from Zoe on his arm kept Evan from stressing as Jared—whose presence usually wasn’t positive for him—began bonding with Connor. Evan was nervous that jokes at his expense would become the new norm with Connor and him feeding off of each other, but when Jared began steering them in that direction—with some cruel jokes about Evan and the sexual favors he would like to perform on trees—Evan was surprised to see Connor take a defensive stance, calling Jared out for it. Zoe seemed surprised too the first time, but it became a new norm and Jared even began teasing Connor for how protective of Evan he could get. A week later and Jared had come with them to their Friday Á La Mode trip too.

* * *

              “So, what’s new in the world of our dearest Evan Hansen?” Connor had stolen Evan’s spot sitting against the actual cherry tree and so Evan was leaning back on his hands facing him. Zoe was sitting next to him, with the entire length of her leg pressed against him. Evan justified it to himself, saying it was for warmth only. Never mind that it made him shiver more.

              “I passed that math test I thought I was definitely going to fail. And I applied for the Park Ranger apprenticeship again, for next summer. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it because of college, but I figured I might as well try.”

              “You passed that test? I didn’t even know he had posted grades,” Zoe pulled her phone out of her pocket and started looking at her grades online.

              “We all know you got an A, Zoe, no need to waste your battery on looking. Save it for taking some nudes later!” Jared’s joke was, as usual, off-color. This time it was Evan who glared at him, Zoe too wrapped up in her phone.

“Watch it Kleinman, that’s my sister you’re talking about there,” Connor growled.

“I think we all know who the real threat is when it comes to your sister,” Jared looked suggestively at Evan, who’s cheeks reddened. He looked at Zoe to see if she’d noticed the exchange but she was either too engrossed in her phone, or pretending to be too engrossed in her phone to help him save face. They were all in for a surprise when Alana Beck walked up and sat down, uncomfortably wedged between Connor and Jared in order to fit in the circle.

              None of them really knew Alana. She seemed kind of preppy and uptight, way too outgoing to ever blend with Evan and Connor. She was the kind who would aggressively ask personal questions—even if she could tell it was making somebody uncomfortable—just because she wanted to know the answer.

              “So, what’s up?” She asked. They all just stared at her, silent. They hadn’t had time to establish a normal balance amongst themselves yet, the friendships still so new, so nobody wanted to set the tone by responding to her. Eventually, Evan broke the silence, to the surprise of everybody there.

              “Not much Alana, how about you?” He asked.

              “Well, I’ve been hard at work on my latest internship downtown at the mayor’s office. They say they’ve never had a high school intern quite as invested as myself, though I feel like with twenty hours a week I’m doing the bare minimum. I’ve also been trying to restart the school paper, which is no small task. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get people to assist! I’ve got all the editing and publishing and hard-facts reporting under control, of course, but I still need people to do some more creative work and nobody seems to want to step up! And when I say nobody, I mean nobody good, because I’m not willing to settle when it comes to quality here. My admittance to colleges will depend on the quality of this publication, so I need something good!”

              She finished in a huff, crossing her arms. The way she sold it, the future of the universe depended on their school newspaper.

              “I’ll do it.” Everybody turned and looked at Connor in surprise.

              “You’ll do what?” Alana asked, clearly not understanding.

              “I’ll write for the paper. I have some pieces I wouldn’t mind putting out in the world. Anonymously, of course. You can’t tell anybody, Alana.”

              “Well, I mean, I could do it anonymously if you want. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I’ll need a sample of your work to see if it’s what we’re looking for at the paper. We have some very discerning judges.”

              “Don’t you write it alone?” Jared asked.

              “That’s not relevant at this moment in time,” Alana responded haughtily. She removed her backpack from her shoulders and opened it to pull out a blue lunch box. She opened that and removed a bag of apple slices. None of them knew what to say, or how to break the awkward silence that fell in her wake.

              It took Zoe only a moment. She launched into an obviously worked up story about a piece they were doing in jazz band and how it essentially required her to grow a third hand to play. Evan quickly realized what she was doing and bought in, offering to be her third hand and launching a round of inappropriate jokes from Connor and Jared. By the time lunch ended Alana was laughing along and good-naturedly handling ribs from Connor and Jared as well. As the bell rang and they were all packing up, Connor spoke.

              “So, I’ll email you some of my work tonight to see if it’s a good fit for the paper, ok?”

              “Oh, I didn’t know you were serious about that,” Alana looked him up and down, resuming her snotty attitude even though she had been laughing with him just moments before. Bringing up one of her projects seemed to bring out most of her insecurities too. Connor didn’t seem to mind the judgment though.

              “I was. I’ll email them to you. No judging me allowed ok?” Zoe grinned from behind Alana’s shoulder as he spoke. A few months ago and he would have thrown a glass at her if she had tried to read anything he wrote. Now he was signing up for the entire school to read his stuff, albeit anonymously.

              “Well I mean, I will be judging the quality of your works,” Alana began, then saw the look on his face. “But personally I won’t judge you. I don’t really understand most of it, but I can understand that art does provide inherent value to our world. Plus most colleges require publications like this to have an arts section. If I had it my way, I’d fill it with some reports on economics and investing for beginners. Not enough high schoolers are thinking of retirement yet, and they don’t seem to realize how hard it is to do in this day and age!” She slung her backpack over her shoulder and walked away without so much as a goodbye.

None of them were surprised when she showed up the next day and sat with them again, however. Zoe performed her usual magic and launched into a story to grab everybody’s attention, taking the onus off of Alana to contribute to the group quite yet. Evan smiled as she spoke animatedly, gesticulating with her hands. The story she was telling was about him and how excited he had gotten when showing her a weeping willow at the local arboretum the weekend before, but even though the joke she was telling was mildly at his expense, he still grinned and laughed along with everybody else. He knew now that she wasn’t laughing at him. None of them were. And just like that, Alana was in their misfit little group. Zoe had done it again, bringing her in, making her welcome, making it easy for the others to accept her into their midst. She somehow knew that underneath the aggressively social, over-achieving façade, Alana needed friends too. She had a way of doing that, of seeing the best in people without much time to really know them first. It was one of the main things that drew Evan to her.

              He smiled around the circle, and even though it was all relatively new and still quite tenuous, he knew he had found his people. It was a nice warm feeling. He saw Connor looking around the circle with a similar expression on his face. He caught the boys eyes and they both grinned at each other, sharing an unspoken understanding. They had both found something they so desperately needed.

              Everything was perfect. Well, almost perfect. Evan’s feelings for Zoe were only growing as time passed. As they became closer as friends, however, he became more hesitant to act on them. He didn’t want to ruin this, the lovely group they’d made. Something about it was so magical and if he confessed his feelings for Zoe and she didn’t feel the same way, it would ruin everything.

So he held his tongue, and relished every hug and car ride and moment spent with her. She had started holding his hand and swinging it casually when they would walk somewhere, like a child, laughing and talking excitedly, and Evan had to constantly remind himself that it meant nothing, that they were just friends. It was so tempting to read into it, but he knew the second he did things would be ruined. He couldn’t ruin this—the thought of doing so made his palms sweat and his stomach churn in a way it hadn’t for weeks, since Connor got out of the hospital. So he would hold his tongue, and enjoy the ride.

             


	12. Chapter 12

“And as much as I love my weekly toast to suckage, at the advice of the good Dr. Phillips I must this week turn to positive news,” Connor held his ice cream cone in the air and waved it around as he spoke, the mango sorbet dripping down into the cookie dough ice cream in his latest combination and threatening to fly everywhere with each grandiose wave of his hand.

“This week’s toast rightfully belongs to our dear friend Evan, not only for re-achieving a park ranger apprenticeship that will allow him to take his dendrophilia to new heights, but also for having the most beautifully adorned cast thus far known to man removed from his impossibly scrawny arm.” His voice rose in volume as he spoke, and several people throughout the little shop side-eyed the group as they laughed at Connor’s overly dramatic speech.

Evan scratched self-consciously at his now naked arm, which was definitely skinnier than the other. He grinned as Connor clapped him on the back and sat down, the rest of the group giving him mock applause. Zoe reached out and squeezed his leg, fortifying him against his discomfort at the number of eyes on him and giving him something else to focus on. _Her_.

“Ok well, as fun as this always is, I must get going. The mayor is having a meet and greet with some local business owners and I’m assisting with set-up and covering it for the paper,” Alana stood and ran her hands over her skirt and blazer combo, smoothing it out.

“Speaking of which, Connor, your last poem was a success. I’ve had three different teachers speak to me about how engaging they found it! I particularly liked that line about not fearing success. A nice motivational speech for those of us who are underachievers.” As she spoke she looked above her glasses frames at Jared, who grinned widely, embracing her judgment. “Keep that good work coming! I’ll need your next one by Monday to make the publishing deadline, ok?”

Without waiting for a response, she was up and out, rushing through the door, the groups allotted hour in her schedule over. Connor shook his head behind her.

“Well she missed the point entirely,” he said.

“What did your poem mean?” Evan asked. “I mean, I think I got something from it that’s different than her, but what did you want people to get from it?”

“It was more along the lines of: don’t fear extremes, because then you’ll move to the other. I guess she didn’t get the Icarus reference.”

“I think if there were one person in this group who would end up following in Icarus’s footsteps, it would be Alana,” Zoe chuckled good naturedly. Jared looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes.

“Ok nerds, it’s Friday, I think I’ve had enough English class to fill my needs for the week. I have warlords to vanquish with my comrades and I’m not about to miss it for y’all. Peace!” Jared stood and moonwalked a few steps before turning and walking normally out the door, leaving just Connor and Evan and Zoe rolling their eyes in his wake.

Evan could see Connor’s mood turning, not ready to go home just yet. As well as therapy was going, his relationship with his parents still wasn’t the greatest and he avoided his house whenever possible. Going home at 5pm on a Friday didn’t fit in that mentality. The boys shared a wry look, perfect understanding. Evan didn’t want to go home to his empty house, and Connor didn’t want to go to his full one. Zoe saw their expressions and the wheels in her mind went to work.

“I have an idea!” Evan and Connor both turned to look at her curiously. “Let’s go to the orchard!”

“No fuckin way. Does it even exist anymore?” Connor looked at her dubiously.

“I mean, I don’t think it’s like operating anymore, but I doubt they ripped the trees from the ground or anything when they shut it down. Come on, I’ve been thinking of this for weeks. We always used to come here after family picnics there! Hasn’t it felt a little bit odd coming here and remembering all that?” Zoe asked him.

“I actually do my best to block out those memories whenever possible.” Connor said. Seeing the crestfallen look on Zoe’s face, Evan broke in.

“Uhh, what orchard are you guys talking about?” He asked.

“This old apple orchard. It actually abuts the state park, so you might have seen it during park-ranger rounds or something,” Connor answered.

“We used to have picnics there,” Zoe repeated softly. “We would climb the trees and pick apples and then we’d make pie at home afterwards, me and mom and Connor.”

Connor looked at her for a moment, thoughtful. “Yeah ok let’s go check out the abandoned apple orchard while it’s getting dark outside. Great idea,” he said sarcastically, but stood anyways, holding out a hand to her. She smiled and took it, rising and leading the way out to the car. Evan followed, excited. He’d never gotten the chance to study apple trees up close before.

* * *

“And so Zoe set out to prove him wrong, and ended up eating how many apples in one sitting?” Connor asked.

“Seven.” Zoe said shamefacedly. Evan laughed out loud.

“Keep in mind now,” Connor clarified, “She was only six when this happened. Her stomach was probably smaller than even one of those apples and she ate seven.”

“I had to! Tony was a total tool and I couldn’t just let him talk shit like that!” Zoe retorted, grinning widely as Evan laughed. “Plus I threw up after. I don’t think I ever told you that part.”

“No, you conveniently left that out. And here I was, thinking I had a badass for a sister.” Connor sighed in mock disappointment. Zoe picked up a small apple that had fallen from the tree before ripening and pelted him with it, giggling. He threw one back and they began a war in earnest, flinging crabapples and dodging around trees.

The orchard was beautiful, Evan thought. The trees were heavy with fruit as October arrived, and the long aisles framed by thick, twisty branches made for a beautiful scene with the setting sun. Zoe and Connor laughed as they weaved in and out of the trees around him. Evan couldn’t help but join in, at least for the running and dodging part. His arm definitely could not throw yet. Even if he could, to be completely honest, he would probably miss. The whole not-athletic thing wasn’t very conducive to throwing.

“Over here!” Zoe taunted Evan and then ducked behind a tree before he could see her. Thinking to outsmart her, he went to the opposite side from where she had popped out, only to run into her head-first as she emerged. They toppled over and landed on the ground in a heap, both rubbing their heads. Zoe sat up, rubbing her head and grimacing. “How do we always manage to do that?” She laughed.

“I don’t know,” Evan responded, rubbing his own head. They looked at each other for a moment and Evan practically fell into her eyes. For so long he had avoided eye contact—avoided any contact—with people because of the possibility that they would see in him exactly what he saw; a pathetic, anxiety-ridden mess. Now, looking at Zoe, he felt like she truly _saw_ him. And that wasn’t what she was seeing. He could stare into her eyes for forever, as terrifying and exposing and vulnerable as it was. She stared at him a moment longer, eyes wide, and then turned away, looking around them.

“Where’s my brother?” She asked. Evan looked around and then, as if by second nature, looked up. Connor was a few rows over in the branches of a tree. He was much higher than it looked like he should be, his weight bending the bough he was standing on to an alarming angle. He had his hand on a branch above him but if the one he was standing on broke, so would any of the higher, thinner ones. He laughed and teetered as the branch swayed in the breeze.

“Connor what the hell?” Zoe yelled out, running over to the tree. Evan followed in close pursuit.

“Oh, calm down Zo.” Connor yelled back. He was easily thirty feet in the air, his head closer to forty.

“Connor, that’s not f-funny!” Evan yelled out, his voice breathy. He could feel panic well up in his stomach seeing Connor so high in the tree. His palms started sweating and his hands shaking. Looking up at Connor balanced so precariously, his vision went all tunnel-like.

“Don’t worry Ev, not all of us are klutz’s like you when it comes to extreme tree climbing.” Connor laughed as he spoke. Evan was already flashing back though; sitting high, about as high as Connor was now, looking down at the ground, letting his weight rock gently from side to side until past the point of equilibrium, the feeling in his stomach as he fell, the wind began to whistle by his ears in his descent, the ground moving closer too quickly, not flying but falling…

“Evan!” He heard Zoe call out, but it sounded like she was across the orchard instead of standing right next to him, a dull roaring filling his ears. He looked up and realized he was sitting on the ground, though he didn’t remember sitting down. She crouched next to him and held her palm up to his face, looking him in the eye. Her hand was warm. “Evan, I’m right here. Breathe. Don’t stop. Count in to two, out to two, in to two, out to two.” She kept her hand on his face as he fought for air.

“Jesus Christ Ev, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was that bad.” Connor broke into his line of sight, kneeling in front of him. Before he could stop it, a sob burst out of Evan’s chest, ripping whatever air he had in his lungs away. _He could have died. I could have died._

“Connor, back off.” Zoe elbowed him out from right in front of Evan’s face and sat down. Evan fixed his eyes on her and began to breath. _God you’re pathetic. Look at you, crying in front of her. What a mess_. No no no NO. Evan fought back the secondary panic, wouldn’t let himself collapse more in front of her.

“I’m taking him home. You can fucking walk.” Zoe glared at her brother as she linked her arm through Evan’s and helped him to his feet. Connor just stood there, bewildered, watching them walk away.


	13. Chapter 13

Zoe closed the door behind her slowly, trying to stay as quiet as possible. She wanted to sneak in without her parents noticing she was there; she would undoubtedly be in big trouble for leaving Connor at the orchard.

"Hi."

She jumped in the air and exclaimed. Connor was sitting there in the dark, waiting for her.

"What took you so long to get home? Because I know it took me forty-five minutes to walk, and you had a car." His voice was cold.

"I took Evan home and stayed with him til he fell asleep. I didn't just want to leave him," she said. "Listen Connor, I'm sorry that I left you there, but that was a shitty joke you made."

"That's not why I'm mad."

"Oh. Then uh, why are you mad?"

"For stealing my friend, maybe? For introducing us and then laughing in my face as you rip him away? For treating him like a child and making me the bad guy on every fucking occasion possible?" His voice rose in pitch as he spoke.

"Like after everything I say you have to check to make sure poor Evan's feelings are handled. He gets my jokes now Zoe. He doesn't need you to mom him. Just leave him the fuck alone. And leave me the fuck alone while you're at it!"

"You're joking, right? Stealing him? Please tell me you're joking Connor."

"I was apologizing, back at the orchard, and you just shoved me to the side. I was trying to be there for him! I have been for weeks! Every fucking time, you swoop in and cut me out! I'm fucking sick of it."

"Connor, I'm sorry, but it's not like that."

"Oh really? Then what is it?" Connor glared at her, challenging.

"Your jokes, the sarcasm, all of that, it's still so new to him. He wants to fit in and be able to joke around with you and Jared but he's also sensitive and doesn't always get it. He doesn't feel comfortable being vulnerable around you yet. When you got in his face like that, it just made it worse."

"If you hadn't stopped me from getting close to him weeks ago, he'd be fine being vulnerable around me! If you didn't treat him like a fucking child, he would think shit like that was funny by now! And if you ever left him to just feel what he feels, maybe I could be there for him too!"

"He fell out of a tree literally three months ago, like Jesus Christ Connor have some taste! Obviously it's not funny to joke about falling out of fucking trees!" Zoe was mad now; she almost never swore.

"If you didn't coddle him at every step of the way little shit like that wouldn't freak him out! You said you wanted us to be friends but take away any chance we really have to get close!"

"I can't help that he chooses me."

Connor stared at her in the dark for a moment. His mouth was open, his face frozen in shock. Then he stood up, shoved past her, opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind him. Zoe stood there for a moment in the dark, biting her lip. Fuck. She waited a moment more, debating, and then followed him out.

"Connor! Wait! Please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." He was already half a block down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, walking fast. She caught up, but he kept walking. "Connor please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Please." He kept on stalking forward, hunched over. They rounded the corner and he crossed the street to a park they used to play at as kids.

Zoe shivered. She had taken her coat off when she was at Evans, putting it over his sleeping form on the couch because she didn't want to poke around for a blanket. It was cold out here.

"Connor, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back." He swung around in a fury and she almost collided with him, so close on his heels.

"Well you can't," He seethed, fists clenched.

"But that doesn't make it ok."

"No, believe it or not Zoe, gay jokes aren't ok, no matter how fucking true they may be."

Zoe's jaw dropped. They stood there for a moment, Connor's eyes hard with loathing, hers wide with surprise. Connor's shoulders slumped and he looked down at the ground. All of his anger seemed to drain out of him.

"Was that you. . . coming out?"

"Shut up. Just fucking shut up, please. For once in your life." Connor turned away from her and walked over to the play-structure, sitting on the first step, crossing his arms on his knees and putting his head down. Zoe stood there for a moment and then followed him.

She sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulder, holding him close. His body shook as he began to cry, sobs wracking his body. Zoe brought her other arm around and held him. Suddenly he flung his arms around her and began crying into her shirt. She had never seen him cry before.

They sat like that until he was able to catch his breath. It felt like hours. Zoe rubbed her hand in circles on his back, feeling the bones of his spine through his hoodie and t-shirt. He's so frail. She felt a protective instinct surge in her, like she often felt with Evan. She wanted to destroy everything that ever made him feel a sadness this terrible. With a sniffle, he pulled away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"You have a way of doing that, ya know."

"Doing what?" She asked.

"Getting guys to cry on your shoulder."

She chuckled quietly. "You're not wrong."

They sat there like that for a few minutes, each stewing in their own thoughts.

"You better not tell dad."

"Obviously."

"He would kill me."

"Ehh I think he'd stop with a nice disowning, but again, you might not be wrong." They sat there again for a while. Zoe shivered. After a few more minutes of silence, Connor unzipped his hoodie and handed it to her.

"Connor, you'll freeze."

"Ehh, if this is my time, so be it." When she made no motion to take the hoodie, he dropped it in her lap. She held out a moment longer and then pulled it on, relishing the remnant body heat.

"So are you going to tell mom?"

"You know she'd let it slip to dad eventually. She'll be all 'oh, but I thought he could change!' You know."

"Yeah." Zoe was gloomy.

When Zoe was ten, she had come home from school and professed her love for her teacher, Ms. Anderson. Cynthia and Larry had fought that night and Zoe ended up in a therapists' office the next week. She could still remember sitting there afterward while the poor lady explained to her parents that her feelings were completely normal and no indication of a 'deviant sexuality'.

When she got old enough to understand sexuality, Zoe made a point of picking the fight every time when it came up with her father. When her friend Max transitioned, he refused to acknowledge it, still calling him Maxine and using female pronouns. It was doubly idiotic because Max had always gone by Max, so he was literally changing what he did just to make him uncomfortable, justifying it by saying that he was 'lost and confused' and he was providing a 'source of stability' in what must be 'her otherwise tumultuous life'. Zoe hadn't spoken to him for weeks afterward, and the stalemate only ceased when Cynthia had stepped in. Larry had apologized for hurting Zoe's feelings, but not for his actions. He stood by what he did. He would not react well to finding out his own son was gay.

Zoe sat there and pieced it together. She couldn't imagine growing up and knowing that your family didn't accept such a fundamental part of who you were. She could only imagine how it contributed to Connor's personal darkness. Then she replayed the last few weeks in her mind. Connor's bullying of Evan right before his attempt. Finding the letter, the way he talked to Evan in the hospital, hanging out with them on those lazy afternoons, never doing schoolwork, always making tree jokes. The looks she had caught between the two boys, and more frequently when she felt Evan's eyes on her and saw Connor's eyes on him. Oh god.

"Evan." She said. It was enough.

"Yeah." He kept looking straight ahead, stone-faced. "No need to tell me, I know already. You should see the way he looks at you, Zo."

She didn't know what to say, so she just sat there. The most awful feeling rose in her stomach. She hadn't even realized she wanted the boy, had only seen him as a dear friend, but now she could feel the longing, mixed with painful guilt over what it must be doing to her brother.

"Don't worry about me. You should go for it. God knows I've caused you enough pain in life already. Let this be the one nice thing I ever do for you, ok?" Connor turned to look at her.

She started crying now, burying her face in his shoulder. He held her. Her tears didn't last long.

"I want you to know that whatever our fucktard of a father says, I love you. I love you as you and nothing else and you're going to meet some guy someday who rocks your socks off."

"Yeah yeah, spare me the semantics. Now can we go back inside before I freeze my fucking ass off?"

"Yeah. And just so you know, I'm not sure I even like Evan. So don't stress."

"Stop being a clown Zoe, you're head over heels for the boy. You always were the most oblivious person I knew." He stood and helped her up, ruffling her hair good naturedly. "And I will personally kick your ass if you don't sweep that boy off his feet, ok?"

"Whatever, Connor." She grinned self-consciously.


	14. Chapter 14

**Zoe Murphy: Hey! Mind if I come over? I thought we could do the math homework and then maybe watch a movie or something?**

**Evan Hansen: Yeah ok, #7 has me totally stumped. I'll leave the door unlocked, just come in**

**Zoe Murphy: Got it. Seeya in 10!**

Evan still managed to jump in surprise when he heard the door handle jiggle. Even now, after nearly a month of this as the norm. He was used to his mom being the only one to come in, and handle-jigglings outside of her very regular schedule still threw him for a loop.

Evan hadn't woken up after Zoe left the day before, and when his mom came home she apparently didn't see the need to wake him to send him to his real bed. He had woken at seven that morning, feeling very groggy and disoriented and with a nasty taste in his mouth. After brushing his teeth he had returned to the couch and stayed there, deep in thought, until Zoe texted him. He didn't even hear his mom say goodbye when she left for work. Too much in his brain.

"Hiya." Zoe plopped herself down next to him, slouching into the sofa.

"Hi."

"What's up?"

"I need to tell you something." Evan looked down at his hands as he spoke. Zoe sat up and turned to face him, listening intently.

"I'm uh, I'm embarrassed about yesterday."

"Oh Ev, you don't have to—"

"No, um, Dr. Sherman said this is a good thing to do when stuff like this happens. I'm not apologizing."

"Oh ok. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I just uh, I wanted to say I'm embarrassed, because I don't like having panic attacks in front of people, and that was my second in front of you, and I don't want you to think I'm some pathetic loser who can't keep a handle on himself. And I'm not apologizing, but I wanted to tell you that. So, uh, yeah." He looked at her and she marveled at how easy it was now, for him to just look her in the eye like that when weeks ago he would have flinched and looked away. And how he could get all those words out, without rambling or turning bright red or even stuttering.

"I never, ever, think less of you for that Evan. I don't think I could if I wanted to. Plus, it was a dick move on Connor's part. He feels awful."

"Yeah I should probably text him and let him know I'm fine. I didn't wake up after you left so I didn't get a chance to last night."

"That would be nice. I know he feels bad about it but still, I'm sorry he did that, he should have known that it wasn't cool. He's still just kind of clueless sometimes." She broke off before she said too much.

"You don't have to apologize for him. You know that, right?" Zoe looked down at her hands and began picked at her nail-polish, a deep mauve color that was several days old and chipping badly.

"I know. It's kind of just second nature I guess. Like when he pushed you that day, back in September. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah, I remember," Evan smiled and rubbed his shoulder as if remembering the pain from where he hit the ground. He remembered feeling like such an outsider, just being so alone. When Connor had shoved him and stolen his letter and tried to kill himself…

"That was typical Connor. Or what used to be typical Connor, I guess. What I'm trying to say is, the Connor we know now is barely recognizable compared to that Connor, but that Connor was a complete monster. He was just awful and I guess I'm still on guard from that, ya know?" Evan nodded but didn't speak. He could sense she had more to say, but he didn't want to push it. After a moment, she continued, looking at him hesitantly.

"Like, I guess it's still in my nature to follow him around and try to clean up his messes. And now that we have the same friends, I guess it's just instinct for me to want to keep them from getting hurt."

"I've kinda noticed that. I don't mind actually. I don't always get his humor, I think you can tell…" He smiled self-deprecatingly and Zoe chuckled.

"Yeah I can. Like the tree yesterday. I'm just— I'm so sorry about that." Evan looked at her knowingly and she bit her lip. "I guess now I've got a bad case of the apologies too," she laughed.

"The tree thing wasn't as bad as I probably made it seem. I was just worried he would fall, and it brought back a lot of memories from when I fell, and yeah..." his voice faded out with a sharp intake of breath. Zoe reached out and put a hand over his, steadying him.

"I can't even imagine."

"Yeah that was. . . that was a pretty bad day. Actually, I think it was my worst."

"Do you mean..."

"Yeah." Evan looked down at where their hands were touching, marveling again at how aware he could be of every nerve ending, lit on fire and yet somehow tying him to that very moment. He glanced back up and saw the look in Zoe's eyes.

A month ago he would have called it pity, not knowing any better. Now, it was so much more. Knowing. Knowing that he let go, that his fall was very much on purpose. Knowing him. Knowing that underneath his stutter, ticks and anxiety was somebody with passion and feelings and something to contribute to the world. She saw his suffering and worth besides each other, neither changing or degrading the other.

They sat there like that, staring at each other. Evan realized how frighteningly beautiful gazing into Zoe's eyes could be. Something like gravity held him there, as if he might float off were she to look away. It was a shock and yet no shock at all when their lips met, their eyes closing briefly. Her lips were soft and warm and felt like a feather on his.

In an instant it was over and she pulled away, staring him in the eyes once more. As her lips left his, he felt a circuit short out in his brain, some fatal disconnect. He yanked his head away, out of the tiny world it had inhabited, leaping away from her on the couch. He couldn't explain why, but panic gripped his stomach and squeezed—he felt like he was going to explode.

Zoe's face fell. "I'm so sorry. Oh my god Evan, just— I'm sorry. I'll leave." She stood and practically ran from the room, leaving Evan standing there, tunnel-like vision focused on the wake she left in the dust motes floating in the air.


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today was the best day of your life. And then it was the worst day of your life. All because of Zoe. Well, not because of Zoe. Because of you. But involving Zoe. You get it. She kissed you, or you kissed her, but then you pulled away. Why did you do that? Why did you ruin the moment you'd been hoping for, practically forever? Maybe because a month ago, nobody was there. Nobody would have cared if you disappeared, and it was so tempting to do just that. And suddenly there's somebody there, and that's terrifying.

But you had to go and pull away, and hurt her. You'll always hurt her, you'll always panic, she'll always have to take care of you. You can never be strong, or protect her. It will always end up being about you and your mess of a life. Maybe it's just unrealistic. You thought maybe if you talked to her, if everything were different, you could be happy. Well turns out that isn't true. Maybe it's just not in the cards for you.

Sincerely,

Me

Evan stared at the screen in front of him, the cursor blinking on the last line. He searched his mind, desperate for some way out of this, some way to erase himself from Connor and Zoe and Alana and Jared's lives. He had wanted so badly for all this to be real, but the fact of the matter was, all good times would go sour, ruined by his anxiety. He wasn't capable of normality, no matter how hard he tried. He didn't want to be a burden to them. Especially her. He couldn't do that to her. He couldn't be another Connor in her life, another reason to apologize. He didn't know what to do. So he texted Jared.

**Evan Hansen: Are you free right now?**

**Jared Kleinman: I'm kinda in the middle of a game, why?**

**Evan Hansen: Something happened. I need advice.**

**Jared Kleinman: Unless you finally banged Zoe, I'm not leaving this. I'm about to level up.**

**Evan Hansen: We kissed**

**Jared Kleinman: Close enough. I'll be there in ten.**

Evan closed his laptop, lay back on his bed and tried to clear his mind. Now he had others to think about and it was hard, because he couldn't know what they were thinking or what they wanted. Every time Connor and Jared joked about him, he laughed but couldn't help wondering if they meant it; if he really was that much of an inconvenience to them, if they really would prefer him to be gone. He had always looked to Zoe, always depended on her touch or glance to tell him no, I want you here. And now he had pushed her away. And that was the only chance he would probably ever get. Asking her for another would just be unfair. And she probably wouldn't even want him, now.

"Dude, this is how people go blind. Glasses would take you down from a three to a solid two, and Zoe is at least an eight, so you really can't afford a loss like that."

Evan was so deep in his thoughts he hadn't even heard Jared come in. He flinched and sat up quickly. Jared flipped the lights on and Evan squinted against the sudden brightness, bringing his arm up to protect his eyes instinctively.

"So tell me. Tongue or no tongue? And why the fuck is she gone now? Tell me it was to get ready for the date you inevitably asked her on later."

"No, it wasn't like that."

"Of course it wasn't. How did you screw up?"

"I don't know, I just. . ." Evan trailed off. He didn't know how to describe it.

"Well?"

"We kissed and then she left."

"Excuse me? I mean, I'll admit, I don't have the highest opinion of your abilities in bed, but you can't seriously be that bad of a kisser."

"No it wasn't, it wasn't the kiss. The kiss was great! I mean, it was, uh, after."

"Please don't tell me you tried for second base on the first kiss dude. Not ok!"

"No of course not! It wasn't like that, I mean, It's not like that, I swear."

"Then please, feel free to tell me at any point what it was like!"

"Well, we kissed and then, I kind of, uh, freaked out a bit."

"Of course you did."

"I just, I wasn't ready for it. Or like, I was ready, but I wasn't ready for the part after. It just, it changes so much, and I didn't realize that until after and like, I freaked out and kind of stood up and then she freaked out and just left and I didn't follow her and I didn't text her and I don't know what to do."

"Jesus Christ Evan, text the girl! This may be the only time in your life this happens, don't just let it go like that!"

"No, Jared!" Evan burst out and Jared recoiled. Evan noticed and dropped his voice. "I just, I don't know if that's best." His shoulders slumped and Jared just sat there, momentarily dumbfounded. It only took him a minute to recover.

"Dude, you will probably only ever get one shot in your life with a girl like Zoe Murphy. Yeah, you'll probably eventually ruin it and she'll probably eventually upgrade to a dude with much better looks and love-making skills than yourself, but that does not mean that you shouldn't milk it for all it's worth while you have it!"

"No, Jared, it's not like that, it's like. . . You just don't get it, do you?" Evan's confusion gave way anger. "Stop joking like I just want her for sex or something stupid like that, Jared. I think I'm in love with her! And I'm just as messed up as Connor was, or is, or whatever. And he's hurt her so much and she's just taken it, for literally years, and her family doesn't care at all and she thought I was this safe place she could go to or whatever but if I do this—if she even wants this anymore—it's going to be just as bad, and hurtful, and painful as Connor was and I can't do that to her Jared, I can't make her life worse! I don't want to be another reason to apologize!"

Jared sat there and stared at him. It was the first time Evan had ever raised his voice at him, the first time he'd ever stood up for himself.

"You love her? Really? Like sappy romantic love, not just like 'oh my god she might let me touch her boobs' love?" Jared seemed incredulous. Evan looked down at his hands nervously and realized he was picking at his fingernails.

"Yeah. And as much as I want this, if I really love her I wouldn't be in her life. I'll only make it harder in the long run."

"That's some self-sacrificing bullshit and you know it. Don't try and be a martyr. Also, it's too late to go back now."

"I know. And I ruined it." Evan turned and flopped on his stomach, sticking his head into his pillows.

"No you didn't. Text the girl for Christ's sake Evan. She's aware you've got baggage, she probably didn't take this personally."

"I ruined it already. It's too late now. And she's only known me for a month, she can't understand how bad everything can get. It's more than baggage. Things can get a lot worse than this."

"Dude, we know. It's cool."

"Shut up Jared. You can't know. Even Zoe can't know. You guys just can't get it."

"Oh shut up Hansen. Like yeah, ok, we can't intimately know what's going on in your headspace or whatever when your anxiety starts acting up, but we've been there. We know how we can help. We know when to back off. We know—or at least Zoe knows—what she's getting herself into. You don't get it, do you? She knows, and she. Likes. You. Anyways. Don't ask me why or how, but clearly she does!"

"Ok, maybe she thinks she knows, but even then, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want her to always have to take care of me."

"First off, let's be completely clear: Zoe gets off on taking care of people. You saw the way she finessed you and Connor into being friends, and the way she took little lonely obnoxious Alana under her wing, and hell, she even took a chance on me, don't ask me why. Second, you don't get to make the choice for her, Evan. And if you think you do then yeah, maybe it's better that you don't go for it. Save you and her both the heartache and leave her the hell alone. But you know you don't want to do that. So what's actually holding you back? Other than just being a pussy." Jared stared at Evan's form, sprawled on his bed, his clothing baggy on his too skinny frame. Evan groaned.

"I can't hurt her Jared. I just can't."

"Well you probably already have. And if you don't want to do it more, you'll fucking text her, tell her you're sorry, sweep her off her feet and ride off into the sunset, knight in shining armor style. Anything else will just cause her more pain. Be a man, Evan. Step up."

Evan sat up and faced Jared on the bed, crossing his legs. He rubbed his eyes and rested his head in his hand, leaning on his elbow. Jared was right. But he also didn't know. To Evan, this past month had been a vacation, a brief respite from a battle he knew he'd eventually have to return to. He didn't want Zoe to be there, that close, when it did. The shame he had felt when she had seen him having his panic attacks, he didn't want to repeat that.

"I'm going to text everybody and set up a study session tomorrow for that English test on Wednesday ok? Immediately after I do that you're going to text Zoe and tell her you're sorry you freaked and that you'll talk to her afterwards and clear things up if she's willing. Then tomorrow when she shows up you'll realize she's totally in love with you and you'll stop being such a pussy bitch and shoot your fucking shot, ok?" Jared slapped him on the back, hard. "Glad we had this chat."

Evan searched his mind for a reason to protest, but couldn't come up with one. He searched for the willpower to just say no but couldn't force the words out of his mouth. With everybody there, he wouldn't have the pressure to launch right into some speech without knowing how she was feeling first, if she was completely over it or not. He could also see Connor and reassure him that he was ok after the orchard yesterday, which felt like a distant memory after the events of that morning. And if Zoe actually wanted him, maybe, just maybe, he could give it a try. He could take a chance. As frightening as it was, as scary as the unknown could be to leap into, he had arguably never been more qualified to tackle it as before. Maybe things can get better. Maybe you can be happy.

"Ok."

"Ok. . . Wait, really?!" Jared perked upright and pulled his phone out.

"Did you not expect me to say yes?"

"A month ago you couldn't even bring yourself to shake this girls hand dude, and now you're signing up to study next to her for like three hours with unexplored sexual tension between the two of you. I expected nothing. Damn I am a great negotiator!" He looked intently at his phone as he spoke, multitasking. A moment later, Evan's phone buzzed with the incoming message in the group chat.

**Jared Kleinman: Study session tomorrow, my house, 12pm, English-oriented, snacks/condoms/booze/strippers provided. Be there or forever be a nerd**

"Now text her. Quickly." Jared leaned closer and looked over Evan's shoulder at his phone screen. Evan opened a new message and Jared groaned when he addressed it to Connor.

**Evan Hansen: Hey Connor, I'm sorry I flipped yesterday. You didn't do anything wrong, I'm just a total weirdo.**

"Evan, I swear to god if you don't text her, I will murder you. For real. Also, why are you apologizing to Connor?"

"Long story." Evan opened a new text message to Zoe.

**Evan Hansen: Hey, I'll be at Jared's thing tomorrow. If you don't hate me, maybe we could talk after?**

Jared groaned over his shoulder as Evan put his phone back in his pocket.

"Why would you even suggest hating you? Don't go giving her ideas, man." Evan didn't have time to respond before his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was in the group chat.

**Alana Beck: Yes, except not to the condoms/booze/strippers.**

**Jared Kleinman: Safe sex is important Alana. Condoms are always available at the Kleinman residence**

**Connor Murphy: I only drink gold-label tequila, and I expect limes and salt too. Also, cigars. Who's stripping?**

Evan smiled as he read, and then another text buzzed in from Connor, this time just to him.

**Connor Murphy: We both know who should be doing the apologizing here. I'm buying your ice cream on Friday. Try to stop me and face my wrath.**

He smiled again, this time a bit wider. Jared looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.

It was only later, after Jared left, that Zoe responded. Her first text was to the group chat.

**Zoe Murphy: I will be there! Also please have popcorn because I'm having such a craving right now but I'm too lazy to go to the store.**

Her next text was just to him.

**Zoe Murphy: As previously established, I could never hate you. We'll talk after :)**


	16. Chapter 16

Evan arrived at 12:15, sweaty. He had second-guessed going for long enough that he didn't really have time to shower, but he didn't want to smell bad in case he was close to Zoe, so he did anyways. Getting dressed was suddenly a very, very complex process as well. He liked Zoe just as much as he always had, but now knowing that she might actually like him back, he was riddled with doubts about what to wear. He ended up with half of his wardrobe thrown on the ground in frustration before he gave up and decided on one of his many polos.

His mom had gotten him six because they were buy two, get one free at LL Bean. He was wearing his favorite—the blue striped one—on the first day of school, when Connor had pushed him. So much for making an impression. He ended up wearing his second favorite—a dark green forest color that his mom said went well with his eyes.

Then came the matter of walking, which he had not left himself enough time to do. He didn't want to sweat so he decided not to run, but by the time he got there he was sweaty anyways because he was anxious about seeing Zoe. And late.

He knocked on the door and quickly swiped a hand through his left armpit, sniffing it surreptitiously. No smell, thank god, just sweat. The door opened to reveal Jared, who smiled suggestively at him, winking.

"Please don't make this weird."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Jared bowed and pointed Evan through the door. He stepped through gingerly and tripped a bit while taking his shoes off, then followed Jared down to the basement. Alana was curled up on the old recliner Jared favored for movie-watching and gaming, while Connor was sprawled zombie-style on the ground. Zoe sat on the couch. When she saw Evan, she smiled shyly and patted the couch next to her. He smiled back but was pretty sure it looked more like a grimace than anything. He perched himself next to her, making sure no part of his body touched hers. Jared flung himself onto the other side of the couch, causing it to shudder and knocking Zoe towards Evan. She landed awkwardly on his arm and he cried out instinctively as it twisted beneath her.

"Oh my god Ev, I'm so sorry! Jared just knocked me aside, are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine! It just bent backwards a bit but look, see? I can flex it. You're ok." He forced his smile to remain, hiding the grimace of pain from his still-delicate arm.

"No, I'm so sorry that was totally my fault."

"Zoe, you're fine." She fell silent at the tone of his voice. He glared at Jared as he spoke, who smiled and gave a very over-emphasized shrug behind her back. Quickly Evan realized she was watching him glare and he gave her a wan smile to reassure her. She smiled back but it wasn't real, it was just as awkward as his. Shit.

"Ok if you two lovebirds are done, can we get started? Jared's got some learning to do." Evan turned and gave Jared a dirty look once more. The joke about them wasn't out of the norm but whereas before it had been awkward and funny, now it was just painfully awkward. Alana burst into a fit of giggles when she saw Evan's murderous expression, which caused Evan to look from her face to Zoe's, which was bright red. What?

"Would you idiots please knock it off?" They all jumped a bit as Connor—who had previously been silent—groaned from his dead-mans pose on the ground. He raised on arm over his face and groaned again. "Some of us are here to learn."

"Really? Because it looks like some of us are here to sleep." Jared's voice rang out.

"Yeah, I didn't go to bed until two last night and you still weren't home. Where even were you?" Zoe asked.

"Talk less. Study more." Connor rolled over onto his stomach and rested his head on the ground, facing them, eyes closed.

"And why weren't you going to bed until two Zoe? Had some hot topics for your nightly diary entry?" Jared elbowed her in the stomach and she shoved him away, turning red again. Evan tried to keep his face in check, staring at his hands, then peeking to the side to see her expression.

"I was just sitting patiently, waiting for my dear brother to get home. I just missed him so much and felt so bad he didn't include me in all the fun he was having." Zoe sat up innocently as she talked, directing her words to Connor.

"Which just leaves the question, exactly what fun was Connor having? Connor, we go to you." Jared pantomimed a microphone in his hand and lay himself across the coffee table to hold it to Connor's prostrated form on the ground. He groaned again, this time just a wordless jumble. Evan saw that even as she bantered with Jared, Zoe's expression bore a note of concern. Connor must have actually been up to something bad last night. He groaned again.

"I'm actually going to ralph if you guys don't shut up."

"Ok well. we actually are here to study. Jared, can he go crash in your bed for a while?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah sure. If he pukes in my bed though I will only accept sexual favors as payment for cleaning services."

"How about I just provide the cleaning services?" Zoe asked wryly as she stepped around the table and helped Connor up from the floor. "Be right back guys." Connor swatted her arms away as she tried to help him walk, but moved slowly and gingerly up the stairs and out.

"Where did those two go?" Alana looked up from the book she had her nose stuck in.

"Were you paying attention at all?" Jared asked incredulously.

"Umm, no. You said we were here to study. So I'm studying." She looked back down in her book and Jared rolled his eyes at Evan. She looked back up quickly and side-eyed him, then turned her attention to Evan.

"So, how are you Evan?" Her tone was falsely innocent.

"I'm fine Alana, and you?" His face reddened.

"I don't think I'm quite as good as yourself." She raised an eyebrow and winked at him.

"Did you tell her?" Evan turned angrily to Jared, who raised his hands in a 'don't shoot!' expression.

"I plead not guilty!"

"Zoe told me, obviously. Please tell me you're into her. She's freaking."

"I'm—" Evan broke off as the door at the top of the stairs to the basement opened and Zoe returned.

"Sorry about that guys, he hasn't done that in a really long time."

"Done what exactly?" Jared asked.

"He just goes out some nights and does some stupid stuff. No biggie. He just needs more sleep. I forced him to come since he said he would but I probably should have let him rest. Oh well. So, the test is going to be on the whole book, right? How about we split the chapters do a theme write-up for each, then trade and critique?" Zoe sat on the floor across from Evan and Jared. Evan tried not to let that affect him. She probably just wanted to study.


	17. Chapter 17

Evan stood in the doorway to his bedroom, fidgeting with his hands nervously while Zoe plopped herself down on his bed. It had taken so much effort just to get here that now he didn't know what to do.

The study session had gone on forever. Jared had failed to explicate to Evan that with his genius plan, Evan and Zoe would have to interact for four plus hours with everybody else, perhaps the most awkward hours of Evan's life. Then, when they finally managed to declare an end to the study session—much to Alana's protests—there was the issue of Connor, who had passed out so completely in Jared's bed that none of them could rouse him. Jared had finally offered—after receiving a death glare from Evan—to just give him a ride home when he did wake up, so they had left him snoring in Jared's bed while the boy settled into some hardcore gaming. At long last, they had managed to escape to Zoe's bug, where she mercifully played some music for them until they arrived at Evan's house.

"You can come in," Zoe started awkwardly, patting the bed next to her. "It is your room after all."

"Yeah of course," Evan laughed loudly and too long, abruptly stepping forward and then perching on the very edge of the mattress. He teetered a little in his precarious position, then scratched at his neck to allow himself to subliminally sniff his armpit again. Still no smell, thank god. He turned to Zoe, who was studiously looking away. "So, uh..."

"I kissed you."

"You kissed me." Evan repeated.

"Yes, that's how I remember things, do you remember something different?"

"I uhh, I wasn't really sure on who kissed who, because it seemed kind of um, sudden, and you know, we kind of met in the middle, because I don't know if you noticed we were both leaning quite a bit and I'm not sure if it was a fifty-fifty thing or more of a sixty-forty, not that I'm saying you didn't kiss me, but like—"

"Evan."

"Sorry."

"No, I should be the one apologizing. It was kind of out of the blue and I know you don't react well to stuff like that."

"No, Zoe, it's just, I think, I mean, I don't want to be rude or anything but like, don't apologize. We both apologize too much."

"You're right," Zoe laughed. They sat there for a moment, each with a small smile. "Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it was mutual then, and I think that's the story we should stick with, ok?" She made her voice sound gruff and official and Evan couldn't stop his smile from spreading. Underneath the smile though, he was hurting. Now was the time.

"Ok. But uh, it can't happen again. Or like, it shouldn't."

"What?" Zoe turned to him, obviously surprised. He met her eyes and couldn't look for more than a second. He didn't want to see more pain.

"I just—I can't be another thing for you to take care of, Zoe. You still have to take care of Connor and your parents and you deserve to have a life with a chance to take care of yourself. You know how I was telling you you don't have to apologize for Connor?" Zoe just looked at him, refusing to acknowledge his point. "Well, I don't want to be another reason for you to apologize either. I don't want to be somebody where you have to run around after me and clean up my messes."

"You are not Connor."

"That's not what I'm saying, I'm just saying I have issues too and you deserve somebody who doesn't."

"No, Evan. I deserve who I think I deserve, and that's you. If you don't think you deserve me then that's your problem, but you don't get to go around and tell me who or what I deserve!" Her voice rose as she spoke and Evan shrank back. He had never seen her angry with him, ever.

"I'm sorry. You're right." Zoe slumped back, her anger vanishing.

They sat there for a moment, collecting their thoughts. Zoe started chewing on her lip while Evan twisted his fingers through each other.

"So?" Zoe asked.

"So what?"

"Well I'm pretty sure I just admitted that I have feelings for you. And I'm going to go out on a very pathetic limb here and ask if you like me back." She turned and looked through her lashes at him, hopeful yet shy. He put his head in his hands and pulled at his hair.

"It's not that simple Zoe!"

"So is that a no?" She couldn't keep the crestfallen tone from her voice. "Maybe I should just go—"

"No, please don't do that."

"Ok…"

"Zoe, you are all that I've wanted for longer than you can possibly know. And if that sounds pathetic it's because it is. It's a pipe dream, it's impossible, it's my wildest imagination running away with me. It can't actually happen." Evan kept his head in his hands as he spoke, refusing to look at her.

"Why not?"

"Don't you see?" Evan finally looked at her and she was struck by the awful sadness in his eyes.

"No. Could you explain it to me?" She asked. He looked at her for a moment longer, rubbing his hands on his jeans nervously.

"When I have good things, I lose them. When I care too much, too much is at stake, and I always ruin it. I panic and I freeze and I get anxious and my anxiety owns me. Being with you, it would be a dream, a wild, crazy, perfect dream. And I know myself, and I know that if I got something that good, it won't last, and I will ruin it, and I can't let myself get my hopes up for something like that. I just can't. I don't want to ruin it. Especially if that means hurting you." He kept rubbing his hands on his jeans as he spoke, over and over. She watched him, the tick beginning to make her feel anxious as well.

"What has this past month been for you, then? With us as friends? And everybody else?"

"It's been a dream too. Sometimes I still pinch myself. My therapist calls it imposter syndrome. I feel terrified one day you'll all laugh at me and reveal it's been a joke all along."

"Are you not happy then? I feel like when everybody is together we're all kind of happy in a way we weren't before. Is that wrong?"

"No, it's not wrong. It's just like, the greatest feeling in the world, but I'm holding my breath the whole time. And I'm afraid if I let myself breathe it will all disappear. Hell, every time I let my guard down with them—even with you—I live in total fear after that you'll hate me for it. I feel like, as perfect as all this is, it's going to be over any second, and that's terrifying."

"And you think our relationship would be the same way? If we had one?"

"Yeah."

"But Evan, it's not a joke. I actually like you. And I'm willing to tell you a million times. Whatever it takes."

"Why though? I just can't understand it." The anxiety riding his voice broke her heart.

"It's quite selfish, really."

"What?" He looked at her, confused.

"It's because I like the way you make me feel Evan. When you see me coming and you smile, when you let me talk for hours about every stupid thing that bothers me, when you sit with me after school and just listen to me practice and never have a single bad thing to say even when I suck, whenever we're hanging out and you just casually touch my hand or my leg and I feel shivers throughout my entire body and I wonder how that's even possible. It's the most selfish thing in the universe. And whenever I see you light up when I compliment you or I see you make a joke in the group or whenever you look in my eyes in a way you couldn't, I feel ridiculously happy and proud. Every time you let down your guard and tell me some new fact about yourself I feel like a kid at Christmas who just got a puppy. I don't even know how to explain it Evan, it's just how I feel!" Zoe's words tumbled out.

Evan blinked at her, astonished. They sat there for a moment, both silent. She looked at him, gauging for a response to what she'd just said. He continued blinking as he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to hers. He pulled back and looked at her. She sat there, eyes wide, staring back at him.

"So," She practically whispered.

"I'm sorry." He whispered back, breathless. Suddenly, she swatted him.

"No apologies!" she laughed. They fell silent and Evan felt uncomfortable, awkward. Then she leaned in again and kissed him once more. The distance between them closed quite easily—too easily.

One of Evan's hands was at the nape of her neck and the other in the small of her back. One of hers propped them up on the bed while the other held his shoulder.

This kiss was longer, sweeter, the best yet. When they pulled away and looked in each other's eyes, Evan was at a loss. He felt… good. It was foreign. He closed the distance once more. Each touch was so marvelous, so confusing and tantalizing and tempting.

They ended up sitting against the backboard of his bed. He would let his hand graze down her arm and feel her shiver, then another kiss. She would trace a finger down his jaw-line and he would let out his breath in a burst. Another kiss, each punctuated by them meeting each other's eyes, exploring new depths.

There were emotions there they hadn't let themselves feel just yet. Fear was openly shared, calmed, quieted. Desire began to emerge tentatively. Evan let his hand trail down and touched her gently on her hip. She shivered again, not looking away. Still, each touch was innocent, exploratory, scary.

Neither could tell how long they continued doing that for before hearing the tell-tale jiggling of the handle on the front door. Abruptly, their small world was broken, pierced by reality.

"Hello?" Heidi's voice called out.

"Hey Mom!" Evan's voice was shaky. "Zoe's here!" They both heard keys jingling down the hallway towards them. Zoe scooched a few inches away from him—Heidi had seen them practically cuddling on his bed before, but somehow now their closeness felt telling, guilty.

Heidi poked her head through the doorway with a smile. "Hi Zoe!"

"Hi," Zoe waved awkwardly with one hand. Heidi looked from Evan's face to Zoe's and a knowing look settled in. How could she tell?

"Will you be joining us for dinner, hun? I got taco fixings."

"No, I uhh, I think I should probably go. I know my mom was making Sunday dinner for us." Zoe scooched entirely off the bed and smoothed out her dress, red-faced. She turned to Evan and smiled, somehow shy again.

"Bye Ev. I'll see you tomorrow," she waved at him and squeezed past Heidi in the doorway, shoulders ducked. Evan gave a half-hearted wave back, not trusting his voice.

"So." Heidi raised an eyebrow at Evan. He looked at her, trying to keep a straight face, cheeks red. As much as he tried, he couldn't contain his elation. "Come help your mom cook. And please do not try and lie to me about what I just walked in on." Heidi turned and walked out the door, giving him a few moments to collect himself before he followed.


	18. Chapter 18

Evan slammed the door of the bug behind him. A little too hard, but hey, nerves. Zoe walked around her car and held her hand out to him, smiling excitedly. He reached out and, with a deep breath, took it. They were doing this.

Evan could feel the eyes on them as they walked into the school. He had been a complete nobody before, but Zoe was relatively popular, one of those girls who didn't really have a clique or anything but seemed to be friends with everybody. And she was holding his hand as she walked and smiled and waved at people. Nobody said anything outright, but he could feel the reaction. It was weird, but Zoe's hand in his gave him a sense of confidence he'd never felt before. He felt like saying, "yeah, you're seeing right. She's mine. What's it to you?" All in all it felt very nice, if a bit stomach-gurgling.

Their day went much as it normally did up until lunch. Zoe still met him between all his classes and they would walk together. It was a routine she'd adopted on the second day he'd gone to visit Connor. He'd never asked, and he was sure if he did she would say it was just because she wanted to walk with him, but he thought it was because she could sense how hard the crowded hallway was, back then when his anxiety was high. Now the hallway wasn't as hard. With her there, it was downright pleasant.

He didn't feel like he needed to look away when she caught him staring at her anymore. He could just smile a little and she would smile back and sometimes giggle. Half the time when he would turn to look at her, he would catch her looking at him already. It made him feel warm inside.

Lunch started out quite normally. Connor had been trying to convince Jared to try this new game and apparently it was on sale, so they spent the majority of the meal bickering over that, which eventually turned into character jabs and taunts as per usual. Evan and Zoe sat next to each other, legs pressed against each other, tapping their feet back and forth. Everybody had seen them do it before, so it was no surprise. It was, however, a surprise when, after finishing his sandwich, Evan dusted off his hands and put his arm around Zoe's shoulders. She grasped his hand with hers and lay her head on his shoulder, smiling, relishing the contact. He smiled too, closing his eyes for a minute and smelling her hair (her conditioner smelled like cucumbers).

When he opened his eyes, every single person was staring at them. Alana's mouth was agape. Connor was scowling. Jared was smiling so wide it looked like his grin might break his cheeks. After a moment of silence, he raised his hands and started clapping. Zoe opened her eyes, saw everybody still staring and Jared clapping and completely lost it, laughing so hard she bent forward at the waist.

In between wheezes, she somehow managed to speak. "Is it honestly that much of a surprise?" Everybody continued staring.

"I honestly didn't think he'd ever grow the balls to do it. Congrats Hansen." Jared continued clapping, never having stopped. His hands had to be hurting.

"I second that notion." Connor pointed at Jared and slowly a smile spread into his features.

"Wait dude, I bet you ten bucks she had to ask."

"Deal. I think Hansen can hold his own with her." Connor reached out and shook Jared's hand, then both boys turned and looked avidly at Evan and Zoe.

"So? Who made the first move?" Jared's smile was double-wide; he thought he had the advantage with what Evan had told him in their conversation on Saturday.

Evan and Zoe turned to look at each other, sharing a knowing smile. Zoe turned and spoke. "It was mutual. And I believe since neither of you win, we can take that ten dollars right off your hands for you." She held out a hand in mock expectation.

"No fuckin' way! I'm already buying Hansen's ice cream on Friday, that's all he can extort out of me." Connor crossed his arms.

"I'm just surprised he didn't wait until after homecoming." They all turned and looked at Alana. "What with it being three weeks away and this creating so many expectations and all that." She looked at Evan as though she pitied him and the obligation he now had to Zoe for homecoming. Zoe reached out for his hand and squeezed it.

"I know right? I still haven't figured out how I'm going to ask him." Her tone was completely serious, and Alana's mouth dropped in surprise again. Quick to catch on, however, she didn't push it. Evan squeezed her hand back thankfully. Their fingers interlaced and he began tracing small circles on the web of her palm with his thumb.

"Moving on past this striking news, how goes the newspaper Alana?" Jared asked. Everybody turned and looked at him in surprise. "What? Can't a boy ask a question?" He held his hands up, his expression hurt.

Alana didn't seem to notice the group reaction, excitedly launching into an update. "It's going quite well, actually. Connor's pieces are a hit, and my investigative piece on the paper supplier for the district is going well too—we have a straight up scam on our hands and I'm going to get to the bottom of it. It's not going to be ready in time for this month's publication though, so I'm going to have to come up with a headline for that real quick. I have like ten tests between now and then but I'll just pull an all nighter next weekend and crank something out, I'm sure. Maybe a piece on political apathy in teenagers; you wouldn't believe how bad it really is, the mayor's office is just in a tizzy about it with election season coming up and the re-election campaign trail looking tough. I have the inside source there, what with my internship and all that." She didn't seem the breathe the entire time she spoke, every word clipped and efficient. Connor started fake-snoring halfway through her semi-monologue.

"Do you need any help with all that?" Jared asked. Now everybody could truly drop their jaws at him. He ignored them, continuing to look at Alana with interest.

"Umm, not exactly." She peered over the rims of her glasses, eying him from head to toe. "I think I've got it. If I need a student interview demonstrating voter apathy though, I'll be sure to let you know." She gave him an insincere smile. He didn't seem to get the insult and smiled good-naturedly. Evan couldn't believe his eyes. Did Jared like Alana? When did that happen?

"Ok losers, if you'll excuse me I have a math test to get to." Connor hauled himself to his feet and seemed to teeter on his lanky legs for a moment.

"Wait, you've been eating with us every day for the past month and all this time you were supposed to be in class?" Alana looked at him incredulously.

"There are only so many forms of hell a boy can take in one day." Connor smiled at her.

"I'd act surprised that you opted to miss the test, but honestly I'm not." Zoe joked, but Evan could feel her tense up, could see the worry in her features.

"I'm not completely missing it!"

"Yeah, you've got a grand total of twelve minutes! Epic." Jared laughed.

"Could be worse." Connor walked off languidly, taking his damn time. Zoe sighed in his wake. Evan looked at her, confusion on his face. First the orchard joke, then sleeping through their study session the day before, and now this—something was up. Zoe just mouthed the word later at him and he nodded imperceptibly.

"So, tell me about this paper investigation you've got going on." Jared asked Alana, his face the picture of sincere interest. She started talking and Evan quickly blocked her out as Zoe caught his eye. She wrapped her arm around his waist, settled her head on his shoulder again and he began absent-mindedly playing with her hair. He could get very used to this.


	19. Chapter 19

Zoe set her guitar down on the empty stand next to her and lowered herself to the ground, crossing her legs so her knees rested against Evan's. At first he shied away, trying to make room for her, then he realized the touch was intentional and relaxed into it. She laced her fingers together in her lap, twiddling her thumbs, looking at Evan mischeviously.

They were in the smallest practice room in the music department. Zoe had practiced for the last hour and a half while Evan sat on the ground listening. She had run through some of her jazz music with him, then had progressed to some personal favorites. She played him the intro to Creep by Radiohead, then moved into Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi.

When she played, her brow furrowed in concentration, and if she made a mistake she would start chewing on her lip absentmindedly, staring at the frets as if to bend them to her fingers. Evan could sit there for hours, just listening and watching. It was one of his favorite things; observing as she turned the music they so often listened to in her car into something more personal, an extension of herself.

Now she sat close, leaning forward, guitar set aside. "It's time."

"Time for what?" Evan asked.

"For you to tell me about your dad." Evan just looked at her for a moment, silent. "You have seen the pits of my family by now. You've seen Connor almost dead and completely manic. You watched my mom pass out two weeks ago on her juice cleanse and seen her in yoga pants—still sorry for that. You got to see my dad lose his shit when Michigan lost and I'm not even sure you're aware that at every family dinner you've been to so far he's been completely trashed," She looked at him here and he shook his head to confirm that no, he did not realize her dad was an alcoholic. "I get to see your mom sometimes but I've never seen your dad and you never talk about it. I don't want to pry but I do want to know."

"I don't mind telling you. I just don't really talk about it that much." Zoe just looked at him, waiting for the rest. "Nobody really asks me ever."

"Well I'm asking." Zoe looked solemn.

"He kind of just left." Evan started twisting his hands. "I was seven. I didn't really get it at the time. One day he just moved out. A week later he showed back up with a moving truck, took a bunch of our furniture and left again. I guess he already had a girlfriend. When he left, I mean. I think he lives with her now. I kept thinking right afterwards that my mom was going to leave to. It was just because of the way they handled it; like it was routine, normal for one parent to pick up and go. I used to use it against myself, when my anxiety would get really bad. Like, this is why he left, or, this is why he wanted new kids, ya know?"

"Like he needed a fresh try?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah essentially. He called me a few times after. Made some promises about Christmas and how I'd see him and all that. It never actually happened. I haven't seen him since he left. This last birthday was the first one he didn't call on."

They sat there, silent. Zoe sensed he wasn't done and waited.

"I don't actually mind. Like when I say something like that, I feel like it incites pity. Like I'm supposed to miss this man I don't even really remember anymore. Like, I know I'm missing out on having a dad, and it's probably going to give me all sorts of baggage in life and maybe already has, but I don't miss him. I don't feel bad about it daily."

"I guess there's not much use in that, huh? Like yeah, life sucks and is unfair but you can only wallow so long before you have to kind of pick up and keep going somehow."

"Exactly. Like yeah my dad replaced me and has a new family now that he actually loves and sticks around for, but I can't think of that all the time or I don't know how I'd function." He looked at Zoe for a moment and then back at the ground, cheeks red. "That's why I don't really like telling people. It kind of just reopens the wallowing, I guess."

"I understand. I won't wallow with you unless you want me to." Zoe smiled at him. He smiled back, reaching out and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. They sat there for a moment, gazing at each other, slowly getting closer. He was about to lean in for a kiss when the glass door of the practice room opened. Alana stood there, her face anxious. She didn't seem aware of what she'd interrupted.

"Zoe, can we talk?" She sounded nervous.

"Of course! Is it cool if Evan stays?"

"Umm, I guess. If you promise not to say a word of what I'm about to talk to you guys about to anybody else. Literally anybody else."

"Got it," Evan assured her.

"Ok, well, it's kind of a weird question I guess, but I wondered if you knew if Connor had homecoming plans. Or like, planned on asking anybody in particular. To homecoming, I mean."

"I don't think so, no. Did you want him to ask you?" Zoe couldn't help the tone of concern in her voice. She had had no issues with keeping Connor's secret, but it hadn't come into direct question yet. She hadn't needed to lie.

"Well yeah, maybe. I was just thinking for the group, you know? So we could all have dates? I don't like him or anything," Alana's words began to spill out of her, rapid-fire. "I just figured it would be cool if we went in a group and would maybe make it easier on you two and it's just coming up soon and I wanted to get on the planning so it can be a fun night, right?" She looked urgently from face to face, hoping for some sort of confirmation.

"I don't know if Connor's even going to the dance," Zoe began tentatively, keeping her words soft. "He might have plans that weekend and if he does go, I'm not sure he'd be the best date. And by best I mean sober. Or even close to sober. Jared might be a better choice on that front." Zoe tried to keep her tone neutral when talking about Connor, but Evan could pick up the weight of her words. Alana's face fell as she spoke.

"Jared would actually be a good date, Alana," Evan broke in, eager to bring down the tension. "And I know he's been looking for someone to ask. You guys would be perfect together." Zoe nodded avidly as he spoke.

Alana looked at them both, unsure. "I just figured with that last poem of his, maybe he kind of had a crush on me or something. You read it, a river of words/ tumbling rapids, waterfalls/ cascading around me/ over the edge. I figured he meant something about my writing, since we're both on the paper together. I guess I was wrong." She twirled a braid around her finger and creased her brow in thought. Zoe looked mortified. Evan opened his mouth to ask her about it, but she shook her head almost imperceptibly at him.

"I don't know what those lines meant, Alana. But try to keep an open mind. Jared is a really cool guy and we'd have the group that way," Evan said.

"I know this probably doesn't sound reassuring right now, but my brother would be the worst boyfriend imaginable. Or even date. He's got issues. You dodged a bullet." Alana smiled half-heartedly at them, continuously twirling her braids.

"Yeah I guess. Thanks for the advice guys." She turned and started to walk away, leaving the door cracked open behind her.

"I'm going to tell Jared to ask you to the dance!" Evan called out behind her, trying to feign a happy tone.

"Ok!" They heard her call back from down the hallway. Evan smiled momentarily, then turned and looked Zoe in the eye.

"We never talked about Connor after lunch the other day. Something's up with him. You're worried. Something in that poem scared you too. What's up?"

"I wish you weren't so perceptive." Zoe looked down at her hands. Evan reached out and took them between his, looking at her with concern. He didn't say anything, waiting. "It's just that it's not really mine to tell. But I am worried."

"You don't have to tell me. I hate seeing you stressed. You wear the weight of the world on your shoulders, between him and me." Evan looked at her, concern written in his face. She smiled half-heartedly.

"I just want him to be ok. And I can't make him be ok. I can only listen and care and then watch him spiral anyways."

"Is that what this latest thing is? Has he gone off his meds?"

"Maybe. I wouldn't be surprised, he hates the way they make him feel. But that's not it." She looked down at where their hands met, where Evan was rubbing small circles into the back of her hands with his thumbs. Her chin began to wobble and a single tear rolled down her cheek. It fell from her chin and landed on their clasped hands.

In a moment Evan had pulled her to him and had her in his arms. She began crying in earnest, tears falling on his shoulder while he rocked her gently. It took minutes for her to quiet the tears, choking the sobs down.

"It's not mine to tell, Evan! But it's killing me!" She choked out, her throat thick.

"Shh. It's your secret to do with as you want. I can help lighten the load, I won't tell a soul. I can also just respect it if you'd like to keep it quiet." He kept rocking her, holding her tightly.

Finally she snuffled and whispered: "He's gay." The whispered words were followed by a new torrent of sobs. These tears subsided quickly; she was exhausted. When the last tear fell, she pulled back and sat next to Evan, leaning against the wall, shaking.

"He's gay." Evan said it quietly, almost a question. Zoe nodded. "Why is that so bad? I mean obviously being in the closet is hard and coming out is rough, but none of us care, right? Jared might flip him shit and Alana will be shocked, but then we'll be fine again. If people try to mess with him here we'll have his back."

"It's not school" Zoe began. "It's our dad." she sniffled again, wiping at her nose with her shirtsleeve.

"Oh." Evan stayed silent, thinking. Zoe shivered once, the shock of the tears fading. She lifted his arm and placed it around her shoulder, leaning her head on him.

"When I was ten and Connor was eleven, our dad let us skip school for the day because it was take your kid to work day at the firm. We got to drive downtown with him in the morning and we were both so excited about it—he even let us order coffee at the starbucks drive through on the way, even though we both hated the taste. When we got downtown, the street that the firm was on was closed down. Pride was happening, and crowds were already forming, getting ready for the parade. I remember we were so blown away by their costumes. I couldn't believe there were men in dresses and g-strings and fishnets. Connor just stared but I was giggling up a storm. Dad just flipped a U-turn and we went home. I think we ended up going to the orchard because he still wanted the day to be special or something. But when we asked why we weren't going to work with him anymore, he said it was because the freaks were out in force that day, and we could get hurt. Like the LGBTQ community would hurt some random kids." She fell silent, holding onto Evan's arm, still shaking occasionally.

Evan didn't move, didn't speak. There was nothing to say.


	20. Chapter 20

Zoe slid into their regular booth and patted the spot next to her affectionately. Evan followed quickly, needing no invitation to slide his butt over the hard bench. He bumped into her jokingly with his hip and she bumped him back, giggling. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she put hers around his waist while they both licked at their cones. Connor groaned loudly and Jared made a gagging noise as they slid into the booth across from them.

Alana sauntered up with fake confidence. Usually she pulled a chair up and sat at the head of the table, but this time she looked at Jared through her eyelashes and said "scooch!" in a cutesy voice, much shriller than her usual tone.

He looked at her for a moment in confusion. "Um, I'll just go get a chair." He slid out of the booth and walked over to a nearby empty table. Alana looked after him in disappointment. Evan and Zoe could only watch, silently commiserating. Alana had tried to flirt with him at lunch for the past two days as well and he seemed completely oblivious. She was going to have to be more direct if she was going to make this whole homecoming thing happen. She only had a week.

Zoe nudged Evan with her foot and looked pointedly at Jared, who was intently watching Alana focus on a drip of ice cream down her cone. Maybe not.

"Ok losers, you know what time it is!" Connor banged on the table to get everybody's attention, a completely unnecessary gesture since his booming voice captured practically the entire store's attention. "The loser of the week award this week goes to. . . myself! Wonder of wonders."

Jared rolled his eyes and Alana sighed. Evan tried to smile good-naturedly but could feel his worry for Connor shining through, tempered by Zoe's hand nervously squeezing his knee beneath the table.

"This week I managed to flunk not one but two tests, get completely knocked the fuck out by some new meds the dear Dr. Phillips is pushing on me, and I had to watch these two love birds put their previously unspoken romance into words. And actions. While lovely and long overdue, their blossoming romance is nauseating nonetheless," Jared hooted while Connor made a very vulgar gesture to get the point across. "Not to mention, I hit writer's block with my latest piece and got this one on my case," he gestured vaguely towards Alana, "and my deadbeat father still somehow thinks boarding school is the best way to soothe my aching soul. Cheers to Larry fucking Murphy, am I right?" With that he took a grandiose lick of his cone; this week consisting of cotton candy and mocha chip.

Zoe looked down at the table, trying not to let her concern show to everybody seated there. Evan rubbed a hand on her leg, finding her hand and squeezing it. Connor's speeches had gone from ironically self-pitying to being a little too close to the truth lately. Jared and Alana didn't quite seem to realize it, which was good, but Zoe and Evan sure did. Connor began joking with Jared while Alana listened avidly, trying to find a place to insert herself into their banter and failing miserably.

"Will you hang out with him? You don't have to talk to him about anything serious but I think he'd like the chance to just relax with somebody." Zoe whispered to Evan. He looked at Connor while she spoke, not wanting to draw attention to their exchange.

"Yeah of course. We haven't gotten a chance to hang out just the two of us for a while now. Ever since the orchard." His voice dipped even lower. Zoe leaned her forehead on his shoulder and he rested his head on hers. They were so on the same wavelength it was almost frightening. They stayed like that for a while, just leaning on each other, zoning out from the squawking of their company. Evan didn't think it would ever be possible to get used to the heat that radiated off Zoe, the zing that went through him whenever they touched, the headrush he felt whenever she looked or smiled at him. It was dizzying.

"Dances are stupid, commercial excuses for the malls to sell tuxes and dresses that will never get worn again. Not to mention to keep the dying florist industry afloat." Connor took a bite of his cone to emphasize his point as Zoe and Evan tuned back into the conversation.

"That is so not true! They are a time for gestures of love. They are morale boosters and a rare chance to re-establish the true nature of high society!" Jared slammed his fist down for theatrics. Alana nodded vehemently, not able to get a word in edge-wise but clearly team Jared.

"Oh is that right? If that's the case, why haven't you asked anybody yet? You make all these points about being a gentleman but don't even have a girl to show for it!" Connor leaned back against the window, clearly thinking his point made.

"You underestimate my plan!" Jared spat back. Alana's cheeks turned red and suddenly her cone was very interesting to her. Jared savagely took a bite of his ice cream and shook his head at the brain-freeze, snorting. Evan laughed and Zoe looked at Connor slyly. He smiled back, a twinkle in his eye, and winked at her. He was trying to foist Jared and Alana together as well. Great minds think alike.

"I'll believe it when I see it, Kleinman. And not a second sooner." Connor popped the last bit of his cone in his mouth and brushed his hands together to dust the crumbs off. Jared scraped his spoon in his cup, unable to come up with a response.

"Oh shit, I forgot my guitar at school and I need it to practice this weekend. Connor, could you give Ev a ride home?" Zoe batted her eyelashes at her brother innocently. He instantly picked up that something was going on but didn't question it.

"Yeah sure. Better like Metallica, Hansen."

"T-that's fine."

"Good."

"Alana, walk out with me?" Zoe nudged Evan with her hip and he slid out of the booth, stretching after sitting for so long.

"Yeah sure." Alana slid out as well, tossing her cup into the trash on her way out. Connor wrapped his arm around Jared on one side and Evan on the other while the girls walked ahead. Evan noticed that Connor's cuticles were torn to shreds and his black nail polish completely chipped and destroyed.

"Jared. My man. Enough shit talking. When are you going to lock that girl down?" Connor's voice was honey, murmuring just loud enough for the two boys to hear him but not the girls, only ten feet ahead of them.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's gotta be Beck." Connor looked in disbelief at Jared, he was so much taller it was almost comical. "You mention some grand plan to ask a girl and it's gotta be her. Who else?"

"I was thinking Tricia." Jared mumbled quietly, cheeks red.

"Tricia? Tricia Walsh?" Connor couldn't help himself, he burst out laughing, booming. Evan realized it had been a while since he had heard that laugh. That didn't stop him from slapping Connor and pulling away, giving him a scolding look. Connor let out one more round and tried to control himself. "Ok I'm sorry but no. You are not asking the head cheerleader to homecoming Jared. Even I care enough about you to not let you do that. Friends don't let friends ask head cheerleader snobby bitches to dances."

The redness had expanded from Jared's cheeks to cover his whole face. Connor just stared at him in disbelief as Jared stared at the ground, the picture of abject misery.

Suddenly the pained expression on his face broke and he guffawed. "Oh my god you guys actually thought I was going to ask fucking Tricia Walsh to homecoming." He put his hands on his knees and wheezed, he was laughing so hard. "Dear god Murphy, I don't have much going for me but I'm not a fucking idiot. Dear god." He burst out again, his laughter taking hold of him while he clutched his sides. Alana and Zoe looked at the boys balefully from across the parking lot before hugging and parting ways, Zoe to her bug and Alana to her BMW.

"Of course I'm asking Alana. The sign is already up over her garage door, I skipped seventh period to put it up."

"You what?"

"You idiots think I didn't notice her flirting with me for the better part of this week? It was obvious she wanted me to ask. I just had to play dumb so she wouldn't know. It's always better when it's a surprise. I asked her parents if it was cool yesterday—for the sign, I mean. Speaking of which, I gotta go follow her or it's not going to make much sense, considering it says 'Alana, will you go to homecoming with me?' and there'll be no me there unless I go now. And don't worry, there's flowers in my trunk for her. I'm doing this shit right, as a true gentleman should. Wish me luck!" He made finger guns at the boys and jogged across the parking lot to his beat up Volvo, pulling out at speed after Alana and following her down the road.

Connor chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. "I didn't think he had it in him!"

"That seems to be a common theme for you," Evan mused quietly.

"What?" Connor asked.

"You didn't think I had it in me either. With Zoe."

"Oh yeah. Speaking of which, two things on that front." Connor walked over to his black sedan as he spoke, leaving Evan to follow.

"Yeah? What are they?"

"First, now that all bets are aside, who made the first move?"

"Do you really want to know about your sisters relationship?" Evan stammered as he got into the passenger seat.

"I mean, don't tell me about the kinky sex I'm sure you two are having, but I want to at least have the secret satisfaction of knowing I was right and you're actually not a pussy." Connor looked Evan up and down while he started the engine, as though he didn't quite believe it himself. Evan looked at him balefully.

"We told the truth. We kind of had a moment and met in the middle for our first kiss. We didn't talk about our feelings beforehand."

"Oh c'mon, one of you guys made the leap."

"Believe me, it's true," Evan smiled wryly down at his hands. "We actually talked about it before you guys made your bet. About how mutual it was, I mean." They pulled out of the driveway, but Connor turned right instead of left to go back to town.

"Uhh, where are we going?" Evan's stomach twisted in knots. He knew the answer before Connor said it.

"The orchard. I'm redeeming myself."

"Isn't there supposed to be a big storm later?" Evan looked fearfully out the window at the dark clouds in the sky.

"Just a drizzle. We can leave if it starts."

"O-ok. Uhh, what was your second thing? About me and Zoe?" They pulled into the orchard as he spoke; it was a short drive from Á La Mode. Connor switched off the engine before he spoke.

"Oh not much. Just that I will actually murder you if you ever hurt her." He turned and stared Evan in the eye. Evan shrunk away from the eye contact, recoiling into the seat behind him. Connor burst out laughing and reached out and patted Evan's knee affectionately. Evan cringed.

"God you should see the look on your face. I won't actually kill you." Connor looked up in silent thought. "Maybe just seriously main or injure." He smiled a wicked grin at Evan. "But all jokes aside, I was never much of a dutiful brother to her before, so now is my chance."

"Your chance to what?"

"Redeem myself, I guess? Show that I care, more than anything. I see how I stress her out," Connor looked down, pensive for a moment before snapping out of it. "But enough of that!" he opened his door and stepped out into the distinctly chilly autumn air. Evan scrambled to follow, leaving the black leather and tinted windows behind.

The boys walked in silence from the parking lot to the trees. The limbs were heavy with over-ripe apples, the ground littered with rotten fruit. Connor lined up and kicked an apple as hard as he could. It flew into the air and landed with a soft thud, not overripe enough to explode.

"Are you ok?" Evan silently scolded himself as soon as he asked. He was the furthest thing from smooth.

"Yeah." Connor kicked another apple. Evan ducked subconsciously, even though the kick wasn't aimed at him.

"You know it's cool if you're not, right? Like, that's what friends are for. You can tell me." Evan tried to calm his wavering voice.

"I know dude," Connor kicked another apple. "I'm fine. The meds the doc gives me don't help. The ones I give myself do. It's all about riding the line, sober enough to function but high enough to survive. I'm good, I've done it before." Kick. "Don't tell Zoe I told you that."

"You know it shouldn't be like that, right? Like, just surviving? I uhh, I thought stuff like that too. Before. But uhh, there's stuff that makes life so much more than that." Evan looked at the ground, scuffing his shoe over the damp grass as he spoke. Kick.

"Like my sister?" Connor looked at Evan as he kicked this time, the apple flying too close for comfort while Evan flinched away again. "Like my friends? Like my oh-so-lovely parents? A guaranteed spot at a four year college with my name on a library or some shit? A nice job at a desk at daddy's law firm, doing nothing of consequence because 'that crazy Murphy boy' can't be trusted with any actual responsibility? Yeah, so much to live for. I'm thriving Evan, can't you see?" Kick.

Evan kept looking down, moving the grass beneath his shoe back and forth, back and forth, hands thrust in his pockets. They stayed silent for a few minutes, Connor kicking fruit and Evan trying to muster up the courage to say something. Even small talk seemed impossible at this point. Kick.

Connor's phone pinged in his pocket and he pulled it out, staring at the screen for a moment before a big smile lit up his face.

"Hey, you can call Zoe or your mom or something and have them give you a ride home, right? I kind of have to run." He shoved his phone in his pocket and began rubbing his shoe in a patch of taller grass, getting the bits of rotten apple off.

"Wait what? I thought you were giving me a ride home." Evan didn't try to contain his anxiety now, eyes on the darkening sky.

"Look, I gotta run. You'll be fine though." Connor began walking away, Evan following him.

"Well c-can't you give me a ride home on the way or something?"

"No, this is urgent. Gotta go straight there."

"Well can't I come with you then? Or something?" Evan's voice rose in pitch.

"Evan, buddy, pal, good friend, I really don't think you want to come to a drug deal with me. Remember, more drugs equals happy Connor, and happy Connor means happy Zoe, and happy Zoe means Evan gets laid. Go text your girlfriend-slash-babysitter and have her come get you. You'll be fine." Connor patted the hood of his car twice in confirmation, smiling an ingratiating smile at Evan before sliding in, starting the engine, gunning it and backing out at speed, spitting gravel. A piece hit Evan, but he hardly noticed with all the blood in his brain, which felt like it was about to explode.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. One bar. He might not even be able to make a call. And even if he did, Zoe lived a solid thirty minutes away and his mom was working for another four hours.

Panic welled in his stomach. A fat raindrop fell from the sky, landing on his head with a plop and rolling down his face.


	21. Chapter 21

Evan watched the bug pull into the gravel lot, the headlights refracting in the rain. Zoe killed the engine and jumped out, running over to him. She didn't say a word as she tried to help him up. His joints were frozen and it took a minute for him to be able to unfold his body from the log he'd been sitting on, hunched over, trying to retain any warmth possible. He expected movement to hurt, but there was no pain, just numbness and a vague ache. She looped his arm over her shoulders and helped him walk to the car. He didn't quite understand why his feet didn't seem to be listening to his instructions; in his head he was telling them to lift all the way, but they seemed to drag through the puddles.

He re-folded his body gratefully into the passenger seat and hunched over again, curling in on his body. Zoe closed the door for him and walked around to the drivers side. She got in and started the engine in silence, turning the heat all the way up. The already warm car started blasting hot air. Evan tried to reach out to turn the vents away from him because it felt like he was getting burned, but his hand only flailed limply in his lap.

Zoe stared straight ahead in silence as she drove. Evan vaguely noticed that they were driving quite fast, faster than usual, and in poor visibility with the sheets of rain coming down, but didn't have the strength to mention it.

"I'm ok-k-k-k" he stuttered, not realizing he was shivering until the quakes stole his words from him.

"I'll believe you when you can get that out with just one k." Zoe smiled grimly at him and he quieted again. He tried to stick his hands between his legs to warm them up, but even there all he could feel was cold and wet.

Connor left. Evan tried to wrap his mind around it, fumbling with the concept. Connor wanted to be friends, but he left. He wanted to get better, but he used drugs. He was buying drugs, right now. He left Evan to buy drugs. Alone and in the dark and the rain with nothing but a thin hoodie on. Alone. In the dark. And the rain. Cold.

Evan faded in and out until they were pulling into Zoe's driveway. She helped him into the house and up the stairs to the bathroom she shared with Connor. She sat him on the edge of the bathtub for a moment to pull his shoes off, then turned the water on and helped him into the shower, fully clothed. Instinctively he shied away from the water; it felt like it was boiling hot.

"Ev, it's lukewarm. It won't burn you." She held his arm and he leaned on her for support, ignoring the fact that water was getting everywhere in the bathroom. He stood there miserably, in complete silence, as the pins and needles arrived. It felt like every finger, every toe was being stabbed a million times. The feeling didn't subside for minutes, but his awareness came back slowly with the water.

"Ok. I'm fine now."

"You can stand on your own?" Zoe asked. Evan looked at where his hand gripped her arm in a death grip. He released and watched the white spots on her arm where his fingers had clenched turn back to rosy pink.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm. . . I'm good."

"No apologies," Zoe scolded jokingly, giving him a slightly more real smile. "I'm going to step out then and you should take your clothes off. I'll bring in some of Connor's pajama's and you can change into those while we dry your clothes. Would you mind closing the shower curtain so we don't get more water on the ground? I'll knock when I come back."

Evan nodded and she turned and walked out. He closed the shower curtain and then slowly turned the dial on the water from lukewarm to actually warm, standing in the spray and letting it hit his face and run down his body. Connor left.

A few minutes later and Zoe knocked to come back. "The clothes are on the counter. You know where the dryer is, go ahead and drop your clothes in there when you're ready. I'll be in my room, ok?"

"Ok." Evan turned the shower off as he spoke, his fingers overly pruned from the extended time he had spent soaking wet. He toweled off quickly and realized how far from warm he truly was: as soon as he stepped out of the steam in the shower a bone-wrenching chill caught him, shaking his body so fiercely he struggled to remain upright, his knees giving under him. He pulled on the flannel pants and t-shirt Zoe had left on the counter for him—the pants too long but the shirt fit just right—and picked up his clothes gingerly, holding them in front of him as he walked to the little closet containing the washer and dryer across the hallway. He dropped them in and started a cycle, then braced himself against the machine as another shiver took him.

Zoe's room was two steps down the hallway and he made it there quickly, his knees practically knocking together as he walked. He left the door open behind him on instinct, one of the few rules the Murphy's always put on them when they'd study in there. Zoe was curled up in her bed, facing him.

"Uhh, do you have a sweatshirt or something I could wear too?" Evan asked. "I'm still kinda cold." Another shiver wrenched his body as he spoke and Zoe smiled wryly.

"Less clothes is actually better," She began. Evan looked at her dubiously and she laughed. "Go ahead and close the door, remember my parents are gone til next Sunday?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Malaysia, right?" Evan closed the door gently, as if trying to sneak in, but shivered halfway through and ended up slamming it accidentally. He smiled good-naturedly, his clumsiness out of his hands for once. Zoe noticed and patted the bed next to her.

"Less clothes are better because it means more skin contact. Come here, it's nice and pre-heated." She smiled again and lifted the comforter next to her. Evan paused for a moment in hesitation.

They had cuddled on this bed before, but always on top of the covers, with the door open, knowing that at any second Cynthia or Larry could stop by—and they frequently did. With the door closed everything just felt a little too real. Another shiver seized him, however, and he walked over. He trusted Zoe.

"Oh my GOD Evan! You're freezing!" She squealed as his hand touched her. Her skin felt like an open flame next to his. He pulled back and laid down, stock still about a foot away from her—easy to do on her queen-sized bed. "Come here," She took his hand in hers and pulled him closer to her, intertwining her legs with his and flinching when his ice-cold feet touched hers.

She pulled his arm under her and laid her head on his chest, putting her right hand over his left and rubbing vigorously, trying to restore some heat to his too-cold body. As the minutes ticked by, it worked, and the chattering in his jaw faded away, his limbs slowly growing warmer.

He turned onto his side and looked Zoe in the eye, touching their foreheads together. She wiggled closer to him until their bodies were pressed together, looking at him, silently asking, is this ok?

He put his left hand in the small of her back and pulled her slightly closer, leaving his arm draped there in answer. They lay like that for a while, just looking in each other's eyes.

"Connor." Evan whispered, broaching the heavy topic. Zoe kept looking him in the eye and shook her head no, almost imperceptibly.

"I am exquisitely happy right now. And I'd like to stay that way. So no Connor. Not right now." She lifted her hand from below and pressed a finger to Evan's lips while she shushed him quietly. He reached up and pulled her finger aside, leaning in suddenly and kissing her.

Her eyes widened for a moment in surprise, then closed as she leaned into the kiss, deepening it. _Whoa._

They pulled back and looked at each other again, eyes wide. Lying like this, warm in her bed while the rain pounded outside, bodies pressed together, it felt more real. Evan waited for the pit of nerves he expected, but it didn't come. Again, he realized; he trusted her. Implicitly. He tried not to think about what that might mean in this very moment.

She leaned in slightly and he met her again, this kiss even deeper, somehow more terrifying but better than the one before. He could tell neither wanted to end it. Her hands reached around and found new places on his back to make him shiver, this time not from the cold. He matched her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, tracing his fingers down her side, feeling her ribs through her thin t-shirt. They pulled back slightly but didn't fully relinquish the kiss, and before Evan realized it, he had rolled on top of her, lightly bracing his weight on the mattress but largely lying on her.

The kiss deepened again. Every touch was a shock, another thread tied between the two of them. It felt like, slowly, they were melting into each other, one being instead of two. Zoe tugged at his shirt, lifting it with her hands and raking her nails gently down his back. He was quick to oblige and pulled it off over his shoulders, tossing it to the side. He held himself above her for a moment, looking at her. She ran a hand over his chest, feeling the bone, the muscle, the skin. The way he propped himself up made his ribs stand out prominently beneath his skin. She traced a finger along one slowly, curiously, before arching her back to meet him for another kiss. He lowered himself back down.

In between kisses and small breaths, Evan began playing with the hem of her shirt. When they broke apart this time he lifted himself enough for her to tug it off and over her head, gently tossing it to join his. He paused, holding himself above her, taking in what he was seeing.

Oh my god. She was wearing a maroon bra with some lace at the edges. He looked up and met her eyes and felt a hot blush take over his cheeks. She felt something stir against her stomach and smiled coyly at him. She had always thought it would be awkward to feel something like that, but now she felt an odd sort of pride at being able to elicit such a reaction.

He lowered himself to her again and they kissed some more. She peppered his neck with kisses, pausing for effect, breathing softly on his neck, letting her lips play gently over his skin. He let out a low moan and caught himself, his cheeks reddening even more as she giggled and kissed below his ear. "Sorry," he whispered with a guilty smile on his face.

"No apologies!" she whispered back and pecked him on the lips. He didn't respond. He was a bit busy.

She pushed on his leg a bit and they rolled over together, limbs somehow staying intertwined. Now on top, she continued laying across him. From the movies she'd seen, she had thought she would want to straddle him and sit up, but lying like this with their skin pressed together just felt so nice. They kissed again and she did let her legs slide apart, straddling his hips. He breathed in sharply and she pulled away, nervous. He lay there for a moment as if in deep thought. She leaned in slowly to kiss him again and he kissed her back, so she figured it was alright. He reached out and put a hand on her waist, flirting with the edge of her hip. Her breath caught and his hand froze, but she put her own hand over it, slowly pushing to continue its path. He let it glide down and grasped her leg, straddling him. As she kissed him she gave a roll through her hips and he groaned, louder this time.

"Uhh, maybe don't do that," he mumbled.

"Ok," she smiled at him and kissed him again, assuring him everything was fine. They kept kissing for a while but both seemed to silently agree this was the stopping point. After a few more minutes, Zoe rolled off of him to his side again, curling into him and gazing into his eyes. He smiled at her and wondered how in the world he had found somebody so beautiful who could possibly want him back. She let her gaze travel down and giggled. "I think I gave you a hickey." She reached out and poked at a spot on his neck.

"Ow!" he responded, trying to crane his neck to be able to see it. She giggled again at his efforts and lifted his chin to look at her again.

"I can take a picture later to show you." She played with her finger around the spot, dragging it across his skin gently. His breath caught for a moment and she looked up at his eyes again. She was surprised by the hunger she saw there. She was surprised that she could feel her own matching it.

"I don't really want to stop." Evan whispered, his voice ragged.

"Me neither," Zoe said. She dragged her fingers down his jawline and rested her hand on his neck. He took it in his and laid her hand over his heart, so she could feel it beating. It was faster than typical, pounding out a solid, heavy rhythm in his chest.

"That's probably very young and naïve of us," Evan whispered, never looking away from Zoe's eyes.

"You're not wrong. I also think it's very normal."

"Normal?" Evan asked. Zoe pulled her hand out from under his and then took his, laying it against her heart. Hers was beating at almost the exact same speed, but felt more like a thrumming, a hummingbird's wings. He gulped as he held his hand there, her bra right under his palm.

"We're young and hormonal. I don't know if that means we're ready, but our bodies sure are, wouldn't you say?" She asked with a giggle as his hand slid down her chest, cupping her breast. He looked back up and smiled guiltily, but didn't move his hand away.

"I am. I think," his expression grew serious. "I don't want to rush you."

"I won't feel pressured into something like that. I don't think I could if I wanted to. But I also feel ready." Zoe's face grew serious as well, and she reached out to bring her hand to his face again. "We shouldn't take this lightly."

"Agreed," Evan whispered raspily. She leaned in and kissed him again, feeling both their hearts skip a beat as he squeezed her breast lightly.

Zoe pulled away. "But maybe not today," she whispered, her breathing ragged. Evan removed his hand from her breast, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her closer with a smile.

"Agreed."

They lay there for a while, every once in a while leaning in and kissing, savoring the feeling of it, their bodies so close, the world seeming so distant.

They stayed like that until the harsh buzz of the dryer down the hall let them know Evan's clothes were dry. He sat up instinctively and stretched, suddenly self-conscious of his shirtlessness. Zoe sat up as well, seeming to share his sentiment as she held the sheet over her chest. Evan looked down and caught himself, bringing his eyes up to hers with another guilty smile. She smiled wryly back.

"I should probably go get my clothes," he mumbled.

"I guess," Zoe answered reluctantly, clearly not wanting the moment to end. He found Connor's t-shirt on the ground and pulled it over his head, handing Zoe hers as well. He walked down the hallway and opened the dryer, feeling his clothes to make sure they were dry.

"Uhh, Evan? I don't know if you should go home," Zoe said uncertainly behind him.

"My mom will freak if I don't." Evan responded, closing the lid. His clothes weren't even close to dry, thank goodness.

"I'm not sure that's the case, actually. Come look." Zoe beckoned him over and he walked over to the landing at the top of the Murphy's stairs, looking out the window at the street out front. It was about six inches deep in water, a river flowing down the road.

"A flash flood. I'm lucky Connor ditched me when he did or I'd be stranded out there." Evan instantly regretted bringing Connor up as Zoe's expression turned stormy. She shook the bad thought away, however, looking outside excitedly. Evan knew she loved the rain. She stood there for a moment, just watching the drops fly through the glow of the streetlights, completely enchanted.

"Maybe you should call your mom and ask her if you can stay," Zoe turned to Evan, her eyes lighting up at the possibility of a sleepover. "You can tell her Connor's here too. Even though he's not." She looked down the hallway at his closed door and didn't let worry cloud her features for more than a moment.

"Yeah ok. Let me just grab my phone." He walked back into Zoe's room and she followed, sitting on the bed with a knowing smile on her face. Today was another fond memory to add to the bed's collection.

Evan dialed and held his breath while he waited for his mom to pick up. "Hey Mom. Yeah I'm ok, don't worry, I'm at the Murphy's so I didn't get caught in it. That's actually why I was calling. Yeah, her bug wouldn't make it. And I think the Murphy's took the Lexus to the airport for their trip, right Zoe?" he turned to Zoe and she nodded in confirmation. The only car in the garage at that moment was Larry's Porsche. "Yeah. I was going to ask if I could just spend the night. With Connor I mean. I don't want to make you drive in this, it's not safe," he paused for a moment and then smiled guiltily at Zoe. "It's not like that! Yeah ok. We'll see how it is tomorrow. I love you too, Mom. Bye."

He hung up and looked at the phone for a moment in his hand. "I don't know how she does it."

"Did she know?"

"Yeah, she said if I didn't spend the night with you I was a wimp." They both paused for a moment and then burst out laughing.

Leave it to Heidi to know her son too well. And to trust he wouldn't try and pull any funny business.

Zoe stood from the bed and stretched, checking the alarm clock on the nightstand. "Well I don't know about you, but it is eight pm and I am hangry. Want some dinner? I think we have left over lasagna. The good kind, not the eggplant one."

"Sounds great." Evan stood and stretched as well, his bones achy from the chill earlier. Funny how Zoe could reliably turn his worst days into his best. Standing there, looking at her mussed hair and warm, inviting smile, it made him wish for many more worst days.


	22. Chapter 22

"I'm scared," Zoe whispered, not lifting her head from Evan's chest. He continued rubbing circles on her back with his hand, staring at the ceiling in the dimly lit room. They had eaten and made some attempt at watching a movie in her bed, but they kept getting distracted by the pounding rain hitting the window. And each other.

"Why?" Evan asked.

"You're going to leave. Everybody's going to leave, and I'll be stuck here for another year without you all."

"That's not true," Evan replied.

"Why not?" Zoe craned her neck to look up at him.

"I won't be gone. I'll probably just be at the community college. Then maybe a state school. I'll be stuck here forever," he joked. He felt the muscles in her back tighten under his hand. "What's wrong?"

"Are you ok with that? Staying here? I just want to get out. To escape, you know? I want my life to mean more than it has to offer this place," she sighed as Evan's nails rasped across her back.

"Yeah. I get it. I really do. I know it may seem like I don't, with the anxiety and all, but I do. At my better moments, the idea of staying here terrifies me," a shiver went through Evan as he spoke.

"Then let's go," Zoe whispered breathlessly.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Out of here. New York, maybe. Or San Francisco. Seattle? Not LA."

"I don't know."

"What don't you know?" She looked up at him again.

"I can't afford school at any of those places. In-state tuition will already be a stretch. And my mom might need me. She'll be alone here once I go."

"So bring her! The more the merrier. She can find a job at a firm in the city once she finishes classes, I can go to school and you can work or go to school too. If you have to take out loans before you get residency then we can just pay them off," Zoe's words tumbled over each other, her excitement taking control. Even Evan couldn't prevent a small smile from forming, as well as he knew how improbable all this was.

"If you're nervous about cities, we don't have to do that," Zoe whispered, reading his silence.

"I'm fine. Cities are fine. Anything's fine, so long as I have you," Evan whispered back, pulling a lock of hair back from her face then continuing his circular pattern on her back. She leaned up suddenly and looked at him.

"Well, you have me. You're not getting rid of me. I'm here for the long haul. Whatever grandiose, idealistic, impossible plans we make, we make them together. I'm here," she promised, scooching up and pressing her forehead against Evan's, a twinkle in her eye. She slid her hand across his chest and down his arm, interlocking her fingers with his and squeezing. "Accept it Ev, you're stuck with me," she giggled as her hair fell across both their faces.

"Ok. I think I can learn to live with that," Evan replied, leaning in and kissing her.

They fell asleep not much later, after a solid decision on dog ownership. Four dogs, they had decided. Two rescue pit bulls ("they'll need somebody to understand what they've been through!" – Zoe), one beagle (for walks in the forest with Evan), and a rescue golden retriever (for dopey grins and a constant source of happiness whenever things got hard). They were considering a fifth dog of a smaller variety to serve as a lap dog. And the possibility of fostering as well. Nothing was impossible, in their future together.

That was how they drifted off, in each other's arms, imagining a future so brightly lit by their love.

Zoe opened her eyes and took a moment for her pupils to adjust. Morning light shone through the slats in her blinds, illuminating the room with a pale glow. The rain had stopped.

Evan lay facing her, his jaw slack and eyes closed in peaceful slumber. She smiled and lay there, watching him for a few minutes. Asleep, his face lost all the tension and worry it was so used to holding. As she watched, his lips curled into a small smile. She felt the corners of her mouth rise to match it. He had no idea how magical his smiles were, so rare yet so cherished. It meant he felt safe, and loved, and her heart nearly burst as she watched him lying there, clearly comfortable as a part of her life.

She scratched her neck and flinched as her fingers came across a tender bruise. At some point during their discussion Evan had decided to give her a hickey to match his own. She had laughed in protest but things had gotten heated again once his lips were on her neck and she realized how good it felt. She kept her fingers playing over the same spot as she imagined when they might cross that bridge.

Her parents would be in Malaysia for her dad's business trip until the following Sunday, which meant technically there'd be no parents home Saturday night after homecoming…

Shit! Homecoming was in exactly a week and she hadn't asked him yet. And he hadn't asked her. He must have felt the tension come into her body because his eyes opened just then, meeting hers almost instantly.

She couldn't help the grin that broke out on her face upon seeing him wake, lifting his eyelids sleepily. He chuckled a little.

"What?" she asked.

"You're just too beautiful. I still don't get it," he responded.

"Well here it is," she responded, leaning in for a gentle kiss. She pulled away and looked at him for a moment. What happened next was straight out of a storybook.

In perfect unison, they asked each other, "Will you go to homecoming with me?"

They both paused in surprise, then burst out laughing, their smiles ridiculously wide.

"Yes!" Zoe got out first, between giggles, reaching out and brushing Evan's hair away from his temple, trying to tame his bedhead.

"It's a yes from me as well," he replied in a perfect Simon Cowell imitation.

"That's gross!" Zoe made a face at the accent and he burst out laughing again. Even in her fake disgust, her cheeks were rosy with delight. She had a very handsome date to homecoming.

Their joy, however, was short-lived. When they left Zoe's room in search of some breakfast, she padded down the hall and knocked on Connor's door. No response.

She opened it gingerly and poked her head inside. When she pulled it out Evan already knew. Connor hadn't come back last night.

"Has he done this before?" Evan asked.

She nodded.

"Ok, then he'll likely come back. We know he was buying drugs, maybe he just hung out with some people from that crowd and crashed at somebody's place," even as he said it he could feel how much of a platitude it was, a useless lack of comfort.

Zoe clenched her hands and nodded again. Evan would give anything to go back ten minutes to being in bed, seeing her safe, warm, and carefree. The real world was always ready and waiting.

They ate quickly and Zoe drove him home in silence. He didn't know what to say; he couldn't help her from this place. She said looking for Connor was useless since he wouldn't be found if he didn't want to, and calling her parents wasn't an option. They were still under the impression that he was clean and healthy and had friends. They had no idea about the drugs or the flunked tests or missed therapy appointments, and even now, that was how Zoe wanted it to stay. As hard as this was, it was apparently better than the school Larry wanted to send Connor to.

When they pulled up outside of his house, Evan had a plan. Anything to make Zoe feel better. And to find Connor—Evan couldn't deny the pit of worry in his stomach. As much as the boy scared him, he cared about him too.

"Ok, I need to go spend some time with my mom but once she goes to work, if he hasn't shown up, we can go looking. I know you say it's useless but it's better than sitting around, right?"

Zoe nodded, looking at Evan with worry in her eyes. He wanted so badly to erase it, to just take it as his own and leave her carefree and safe. He wanted her to know how much he loved her, no matter what happened, no matter what Connor did that hurt her so much. He shook his head and let out a frustrated growl.

"What is it Ev?" Zoe asked with concern.

"I just hate that he does this to you. Makes you feel. . ." Evan gestured awkwardly, grasping for words. "Less. Not safe. Not good enough. Scared. I just hate it."

"Well that's Connor," Zoe replied, staring at the wheel in front of her with a resigned expression. Her chin wobbled and Evan could feel his heart breaking.

"He's an idiot. A grade-A, idiot. I love him but it's true. And you don't deserve this stress. And there's nothing you could have done about this. You know that, right?"

"Sure," she replied, obviously not convinced. Evan knew nothing he could say would convince her.

"And Zoe?"

"Yeah?" she turned from the steering wheel to look at him.

"I love you."

He didn't quite know how to describe the emotions that played on her face. First was surprise, then joy, then sadness again, then a mix in quick succession: bittersweet persistence, painful yet overjoyed.

"I love you too," she replied, breathless. Evan leaned over and wrapped his arms around her. She clung to him like he was a life-raft and she was drowning. He expected tears but none came, the hug silent, powerful. She pulled away and looked him in the eye, strong as ever. Zoe Murphy.

"Bye," he opened the door and got out of the bug, feeling Zoe's eyes on him as he walked to the door of his house. He looked back and she waved at him from the driver's seat, the awkward little half-wave she did so well. He waved back and then went inside.

His mom was sitting at the kitchen table, ten feet away from the door. She had a cup of tea in front of her, steam rising from it.

"Hey honey. Can you sit? I think we should talk." Upon seeing Evan's face fall, she smiled and quickly added, "You're not in trouble! Go ahead and pour yourself some tea. This is just a conversation," she sounded like she was trying to calm herself as much as him.

He poured some water from the kettle and picked a bag of chamomile—caffeine was a no-go for him with the anxiety. He squeezed in some lemon he saw on the counter and added a drizzle of honey from the bottle, stirring slowly. He had a feeling he knew what this was about, and he was in no rush to start.

Finally he sat, looking apprehensively at his mom. She stared at his neck intensely and it took him a second to remember the hickey, dark purple, in plain sight. Quickly he lifted his hand to cover it, but he knew it was too late. Heidi just raised an eyebrow and smiled at him knowingly, teasing.

"So I feel like we should have the talk," she hesitated and immediately her voice went back to the thick, awkwardness of before. "The dreaded one. I know it's awkward but let's just get it over with, ok?" she pleaded with him, her eyes reflecting how much she didn't want to do it either.

Evan just nodded jerkily, trying not to shake. He did not want to do this. Already he could feel his vision going dark around the edges, his stomach roiling with nerves, the cereal he ate not even an hour ago threatening to make a re-appearance.

"I can tell you and Zoe are getting pretty serious. And maybe this is too late, considering you spent the night last night—at my encouragement, which was perhaps misplaced," she looked at his neck again, then back up at his face as though silently making that a question—had they done it?

He waited a moment to see if she was for real, and then shook his head again, curtly, painfully, his face red. Oh god.

"Well in that case, I just want to ask a few things. I promise that's it, no crazy demands or forbidding or anything like that, just a few things," Heidi paused and took a breath, trying to gain steam to get through the difficult parts. "First, please don't rush it. I know it can be so tempting and in the moment it can be hard to resist, but make sure it's right. If it's a story you're telling one day you want it to be a good one. A good memory," she paused again and looked at him, silently asking once more if he understood.

This time the nod was a jerky up-down, confirmation.

"Ok then, the second is that you use protection. I don't know if she's on the pill or something but that's not good enough on its own. Please use a condom. Please. I can go buy them for you if you need—"

"That's not necessary," Evan felt like he would choke on the words.

"Ok, that's fine," Heidi's face was as red as her sons, but she persisted. "In that case buy your own but please, Evan, for the sake of all that is holy, do buy them. We cannot afford a pregnancy, or a baby, or an abortion. We can afford condoms. I know it will be hard for you to buy them but please, buy them."

Evan realized he hadn't thought about it from that angle. He couldn't even order a pizza if he wanted to right now, the idea of buying condoms was an insurmountable obstacle he hadn't accounted for before. And he couldn't imagine asking Zoe to do it either, though they had agreed the night before to use one when they did. Maybe he could ask Jared?

"Evan are you listening?" Heidi's voice jerked him out of his reverie.

"Oh, yeah, uhh, sorry." He looked down at the mug of tea in his hands, avoiding his mother's face.

"Ok. Past that it's not much. Be smart obviously, pick the right time and place. And Evan, make sure you love her," her voice broke here and she choked off for a moment. Was she flashing back to her own experience? Evan didn't want to know. It was his mom! But her words hit deep, the feeling behind them real, sizzling with finality.

"Don't do it because you think it's love, or it's infatuation or something. Sex is marvelous. It's brilliant, it's the best thing ever, completely indescribable, and after your first time, it can be a fun thing to share a bit more casually," Heidi broke off here, seemingly distracted by a memory. She paused, eyes closed and a half-smile on her face. After a moment she opened her eyes, seeming to remember where she was and what she was doing.

"Casual sex can be fun. But your first time is special, and it should be with somebody special. Somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with." Heidi looked at her son, willing him to meet her eyes, to understand her point. Miraculously, he did. His eyes lifted and as painfully awkward as she could tell it was, he met her gaze and held it, firmly.

"I do. Want to spend the rest of my life with her, I mean. I know I'm just in high school Mom, but. . . I don't know. I don't want to be dramatic. It's just. . ." he gestured uselessly in the air with his arm and his mom smiled knowingly. "I love her."

"Ok. Good. I can see why." Heidi sat back and took a sip of her tea, smiling at her boy. "That's all. Thank god, right? No more crazy ranting from mom!" She shook her hands around her head as she spoke, trying to make fun of herself, but Evan smiled at her and she knew she had gotten through to him.

She had done so much wrong, but moments like these showed her that she had done so much right as well. He smiled at her tentatively, glad it was over, and sipped his own tea.

They stayed there for a while, back to the comfortable safety of talking about nothing. She shared funny stories from work, updating him on all her nurse friends like he knew them himself. It was something they used to do when he was lonely, before knowing Zoe and everybody else. It was strange now, to listen absent-mindedly like he did before, but this time with thoughts of his real friends on his mind as well.

"So how is Zoe doing?" Heidi asked, capping off her final story.

"Zoe? She's uh, good, I guess." Evan replied.

"How's jazz band and all that? She having fun?" Heidi's face was eager, hopeful, clearly interested. She wanted to know more about his life so badly. Evan didn't understand why he couldn't just tell her. But he couldn't.

"Yeah I guess. I don't know." As he said it he could feel the hurt begin to radiate from Heidi. She was trying so hard to be the cool mom, to be casual about the sex thing, to not try and spend every moment at home with him, letting him to go off to be with his friends. He hated himself for shutting her out, even as he did it.

Suddenly, a knock interrupted their conversation.

Heidi rose to get it, beating Evan to the door. She opened it and stepped back in surprise, mouth open. Connor stood there, looking like a dead man. He was no longer wet, but he clearly had been, his clothes stuck to him and his hair matted and tangled. His skin was so ghostly white that practically every vein showed beneath it, bluish-purple, completely ghastly. The circles under his eyes were dark, tinged with yellow, his lips chapped and split in one place, blood showing through the crack.

"Hi Connor!" Even as she tried to force her voice to be cheerful, Heidi sounded tentative, frightened. Connor was already looking over her shoulder at Evan, but he dragged his gaze back to her and smiled half-heartedly.

"Hi, Ms. Hansen," he waved pathetically. She didn't bother to try and correct him, even though she hated being called anything but Heidi or Mom. "Can I talk to Ev?" Connor pointed at the boy as though he wasn't standing four feet away.

"Of course, hun," Heidi stepped aside and gestured him in, looking with concern at his black combat boots, crusted with mud and grass. He saw her gaze and yanked them off, revealing he wasn't wearing any socks. His toenails were painted black too, the polish grown out but not chipped too badly.

Evan wordlessly walked down the hallway to his room, not even waiting to see if Connor would follow him. He knew he would.

When they got into his room, he closed the door behind them and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Please don't tell Zoe I'm here," Connor protested, seeing the phone.

"That's exactly what I'm doing. She's worried sick, Connor. We both were. This wasn't cool." Evan looked up from his typing at the boy, who looked so defeated he wished he could take the words back. He shot the text off and closed his phone, feeling it buzz quickly with a response but ignoring it. He had reassured her, but he needed to focus on Connor for a moment.

"What were you thinking?" Evan asked. Connor just looked at him, a hank of greasy hair hanging over his face, hiding his features. Up close he could smell the boy too; a mixture of body odor, marijuana, mold, and something harsher, not recognizable to Evan but foreboding nonetheless.

"I'm sorry. It was stupid, I know," Connor began. That's when his eyes caught on the spot on Evan's neck.

Evan rubbed it self-consciously, then hardened his eyes again. Connor messed up, and Evan's relationship with Zoe was irrelevant to this. Connor's eyes passed over the hickey again after a moment of hesitation, and he hung his head once more, apparently deciding to ignore it.

"I'm just sorry," Connor repeated, still defeated. "I know it was dumb."

"Yeah. It was." Evan sat on his bed and crossed his arms. He was trying to be strong but an undercurrent of fear was still there, even now, as weak and pathetic as Connor looked. He seemed almost feral.

"I'm sorry."

"I know," Evan replied, sitting for a moment in thought. "Why did you leave me at the orchard like that? You had to know it wouldn't end well. You had to know Zoe would find out and get pissed and maybe tell your parents. You had to know that it would hurt me. You knew all that, so why did you go?"

"Zoe wouldn't tell." Connor said quietly.

"How do you know?" Evan couldn't help the nasty edge in his voice. He was mad. He was mad this boy would hurt the girl he loved, even though he knew how hard it was for him, even though he knew only a fraction of the story. He was pissed. He realized he felt protective of Zoe. It was a hard feeling to explain. But it was stronger than his fear.

"She just wouldn't, ok?" Connor replied, snark in his voice.

"Don't get mad at me, Connor. I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now. I almost got hypothermia. I sat in the pouring rain in near-freezing temperatures for thirty minutes waiting for Zoe to come get me. And then you don't even go home, don't even put our minds to rest that you survived the fricking drug deal you admitted to!" Evan's voice rose as he spoke but he couldn't stop. He paused for a moment, collecting himself, then asked, calmly: "Why?"

"I can't explain it," Connor shook his head.

"Try. We are covering for you with your parents. Zoe is covering for you. I am too. We are both liars because of you! At least give me a reason," Evan pleaded.

"It's just. . ." Connor began, looking down. He shook his head and opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. There were no words. "I don't know, you won't understand."

Connor looked up again but was met with steely resolve. Hesitantly, he began again. "Sometimes it's all just too much, and you need the numb. Whatever relief it'll give. It's not forever, and you know that. It's temporary, but I only do it when I need it, right that moment, or I won't be able to handle it."

"And you needed it right that moment, right when we were hanging out and it would strand me for you to go? We were just hanging out. . ." Evan trailed off, not wanting to let more of his hurt feelings show.

"No, not exactly then," Connor bowed his head shamefully. "It's addiction. I know that. Like logically, I know that. That's fine. But my guy had been out of town all week and that was my only chance to get some for the next two weeks and I've been going through some stuff lately and I had to grab it while it was there. Limited window, ya know?"

"So you left me."

"Yeah. Which was shitty. I'm sorry. I know I can't really apologize enough, but I really am sorry." Connor looked him in the eye and Evan saw the pain there but refused to acknowledge it. This was impossible. "That's why I ended up using. Last night I mean."

"What?"

"I knew I had done something awful for all the wrong reasons. And I knew if I went back home it would be bad. I got myself into this spiral: I had already fucked up, and there was no way to unfuck what I'd done. I had people. I knew it meant the silent treatment, or not being friends with you guys, or even the fucking boarding school," a shudder went through him as he said it, "so I just dosed up. I was with some old friends and they were all doing it so I did too. It was a temporary escape from the bad options. Things just got a little out of hand."

"Yeah. They did." Evan just looked at him. He could see the pain and the struggle but Connor was right; he couldn't understand. The boy was addicted, and that just wasn't something Evan could relate to. Other than maybe with his anxiety meds, but those were different. Right?

"Anyways, that's why I came here."

"To my house?"

"Yeah. I left and I knew Zoe might kill me if I went home, after making her spend the night alone and all that," Evan suppressed a small smile. Connor caught it, but continued. "So I came here. I figured you were more likely to forgive me. Than Zoe, I mean." He looked at Evan plaintively.

"I don't know Connor," Evan couldn't contain the anguish in his voice. "I feel like Zoe keeps helping you because she figures you're getting better. I see it too. Even if you're still doing the bad stuff, you're doing so much good too. You're writing, and spending time with us, and I know you tried to hide it but I saw that A you got on your history essay last week." He smiled at Connor and the boy grinned nonchalantly back, shrugging, downplaying.

"But that's not enough if stuff like this keeps happening," Evan continued, watching Connor's shoulders slump again. "We can't keep this stuff a secret if this keeps happening. Or at least I can't. It's just too much," he finished with a sharp intake of breath, revealing more than he would have liked too.

"You're right, I guess," Connor fell silent too, staring at the floor. Suddenly he perked up. "That's it!"

"What's it?"

"Here," Connor pulled his backpack off his shoulder and pulled out a pill bottle and a plastic sandwich baggy, triple-layered and rubber banded. "Get rid of these."

"What?" Evan recoiled from the paraphernalia, his heart pounding. This was so outside of his comfort zone.

"Destroy it."

"Connor, it doesn't work like that," Evan began weakly, eyes stuck on the drugs in Connor's hand.

"Yes it does. It's a decision, that's it. I'm just going to stop. I don't need it anymore."

"Connor, quitting like this is a big deal. It means re-dedicating yourself to therapy, to trying to commit to life, even the hard parts. You'll probably go through withdrawal. It's not something to be taken lightly."

"Done it before, I can do it again. Evan," Connor held the stuff out and pleaded with his eyes. "Please."

Evan reached out and gingerly took the bottle and baggy, holding them at arm's length.

"Ok." He relented, and set the stuff down on his desk, staring at it uncomfortably.

Suddenly, Connor lunged forward at Evan. Evan recoiled and tripped backwards over his feet, landing hard on his butt. Connor just stood there, his arms still out in front of him, ready for a hug that clearly wasn't going to happen. He lowered them slowly, a faint flush creeping into his pale face.

"I'm s-s-s-sorry Connor, I didn't realize. . ." Evan stammered, only realizing after the fact what he'd done. The fear that his anger had squashed earlier reared back, sending his heart into a pounding terror. Connor tucked a mat of hair behind his ear and zipped his backpack up coolly, playing it down.

"You're fine. It's all good Ev. Thanks for helping me out like this, I really appreciate it," he flipped the bag over his shoulder and smiled emptily at Evan, still frozen on the ground. Connor opened the door and paused in the doorframe, looking back. "And if my sister has a mark on her neck to match yours, you are dead meat, Hansen."

Evan couldn't tell from his tone whether he was joking or not, but his voice was menacing. Was the gleam in his eye malice, or humor? Connor stayed there for a moment, frozen, holding Evan's terrified gaze, then turned and was out, gone before Evan could speak again. Shit.

How did he always screw it up with Connor? It was like they could never get it right, no matter how hard they tried. Evan felt his heart rate increase as scenarios started playing in his head, slowly worsening, speeding up as his anxiety spun him into the makings of a perfect panic attack. He stared at the bottle and baggy on his desk and then pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolling to the message he had sent Zoe before and looking at her response.

**Evan Hansen: Connor's here. He's ok. I'm gonna talk to him.**

**Zoe Murphy: Thank god. What happened?**

Evan paused, wondering how much he should tell her. She had to still be mad. He scrunched his brow in concentration as he typed, the task of crafting a message distracting him from the horror in this thoughts.

**Evan Hansen: He feels awful. And I think he's serious about getting better this time. He gave me his drugs. He kinda saw my hickey and threatened me. He said you better not have one to match it. Idk if he was joking or not.Zoe Murphy: OMG. Shit. I'm so sorry. I'll cover it up just in case but he was probs just joking. Are you ok?**

**Evan Hansen: No apologies! I'm ok. Kind of freaking but ok. Let me know what he says when he gets home. going to flush what I can and bury the rest**

**Zoe Murphy: Is it not all flushable?**

Evan eyed the rubber-banded baggy warily and took it in his hand again. He didn't want to think about the shapes he was feeling or the pokes he might receive as a result, but the tube-shaped objects beneath his fingers definitely weren't joints or cigarettes.

**Evan Hansen: Nope.**

No need to worry her excessively. He stood and walked to the bathroom, taking the pill bottle with him. He looked at the label out of habit. It was Oxycodone, prescribed to a Richard Johnson.

Evan unscrewed the top of the bottle and poured the pills into the toilet. He stood there and watched them whirl in the bowl, dissolving slowly. It was strangely calming. As he watched, he could feel his heart beat slow and the buzzing sound in his ears reduce. He hadn't even noticed it before.

He figured a walk would help him clear his mind and downplay this whole Connor situation. The boy would be ok. He wanted to get better. Obviously he didn't threaten him. By the time Evan had buried the bottle and other paraphernalia in the park a few blocks from his house, Zoe had texted him again.

**Zoe Murphy: He got home and apologized. I forgave him. I'm not telling my dad. And he didn't see the hickey.**

**Evan Hansen: Glad he's home. And phew. You're an amazing sister. We still going shopping tomorrow with everybody?**

**Zoe Murphy: Yeah I'm going out with Alana first for coffee though, so maybe you could do the same with Jared and meet us there?**

**Evan Hansen: Sounds good to me. Should I ask Connor too?**

**Zoe Murphy: You don't have to if you don't want to.**

**Evan Hansen: I'll text him.**

**Zoe Murphy: Ok. You're the best. I'll see you tomorrow. And I love you**

**Evan Hansen: I love you too.**

Even via text the words sent flutters through his stomach, so open and out there and real. It was exhilarating.

He quickly opened a new message to Connor. He froze with his fingers over the keys, unsure of what to say. He decided to try something new: to believe that the threat was a joke. That his anxiety was influencing his perception of it, that Connor was actually fine.

**Evan Hansen: Jared, Alana, Zoe and I are going shopping tomorrow for homecoming stuff. You want to come?**

**Connor Murphy: I'm trying to get in at my therapist in the morning but I'll let you know**

Evan smiled to himself. Maybe Connor was actually making a move for the better. His next text went to Jared.

**Evan Hansen: How did asking Alana go?Jared Kleinman: Fine, thanks for asking (finally). She said yes**

**Evan Hansen: Sorry! And congrats! Some stuff happened, that's why I asked so late**

**Jared Kleinman: OMG. You did it didn't you. You banged Zoe Murphy.**

**Evan Hansen: Calm yourself. Not yet.**

**Jared Kleinman: Yet?! Implying it's going to happen! Plans were made! Spill!**

**Evan Hansen: Wanna grab breakfast tomorrow morning before shopping? I'll tell you then.**

**Jared Kleinman: I hate you for making me wait but yes. Breakfast. Then tuxes.**

**Evan Hansen: Breakfast then tuxes it is. Pick me up at 9?**

**Jared Kleinman: It's the fucking weekend man, no way**

**Evan Hansen: Zoe and Alana are planning on meeting us at 10:30 at the mall, we need to have enough time to get there.**

**Jared Kleinman: They'll take forever dress shopping anyways. 9:30 and that's my final offer.**

**Evan Hansen: Fine. But if we're late it's your fault**

**Jared Kleinman: Always is.**

Evan set his phone down on the nightstand next to his bed and smiled. Out of instinct, he flipped open his laptop and opened an empty word document.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today was an amazing day. And a terrifying day, but mostly an amazing day. You're in love. And she loves you back. It's the greatest feeling in the universe. And the most terrifying. That seems to be a common theme lately. Zoe is your world. Which sounds pathetic, but isn't. Trust me. It's kind of the greatest, actually.

Your mom loves you so much but you somehow can't tell her even the most basic stuff about your day. Why are you so private with her, but not anybody else at school? She doesn't deserve it.

Connor might hate you. For having his drugs, for standing up to him, for dating his sister. Who knows. It's so easy to be scared of him, because he's kind of a scary guy. But you stood up to him today. And even texted him after. You're doing ok there. Maybe he is too. Or will be, now that he doesn't have drugs.

Anyways. Today a lot of things happened, for better or for worse. A lot. And you're in the middle of all of them. Sometimes it's hard to recognize this Evan Hansen as the one that existed at the beginning of September. So much has changed. Hopefully all for the better, right?

Sincerely, Me

Evan crossed his arms behind his head, mulling the day over in his mind. Quickly, he fell into a perfect daydream, replaying the events of the night before in his mind, remembering every touch, every word, every feeling that swirled through him. The replay was almost as good as the real thing. Almost.


	23. Chapter 23

"So? What happened?" Jared stared at Evan over their tiny table, eager for details.

They sat in front of a window at the boutique-y coffee shop downtown. Evan had been hoping for something more like Ihop, but Jared claimed they needed to be sophisticated, since they were going tux shopping after. Plus, apparently their choice of location had something to do with Alana. Evan still wasn't sure how.

"Nothing," Evan replied awkwardly, crumbling his scone into smaller pieces.

"Oh c'mon dude. I waited all last night to hear this and you're gonna 'nothing' me? Don't think I didn't see that hickey on your neck! That shit's huge!"

"Ok, ok! Something happened. I don't know." Evan played his fingers over the skin on his neck self-consciously, feeling at the bruise. After another night it had turned reddish in spots, yellow at the edges. It was still dark, high and clear on his neck. Nothing he had tried could cover it.

"Every detail, Hansen. Every. Detail." Jared stared Evan down, impressing upon him the seriousness of his words.

"We were hanging out and then the road outside their house flooded, so I ended up spending the night," Evan's cheeks reddened as he spoke.

"So let me get this straight: you spent the night at Zoe Murphy's house, while her parents are both gone, and I'm presuming Connor as well, with a flash flood and rain storm going on outside, and you didn't do it? Dude, that's like your golden opportunity! That's like, the peak! You will never get that back!"

"No, it's not like that," Evan replied, exasperation evident in his voice. Jared looked over the rims of his glasses at Evan, implying heavily that he believed otherwise.

"You said not yet in your message. So when?"

"We talked about maybe after homecoming. Just maybe."

"Ok, I take it back. Homecoming is prime. You're forgiven. Good reason to wait. Dances are hot."

"That is not why we're waiting!" Evan replied, surprised by how irritated he sounded.

"Look Ev, your window here is closing fast. Another week, maybe two, Zoe's going to come to from whatever mental break she's having right now, realize who she's dating, and dump you on your ass faster than you can say 'oh my god I love Jazz Band!'"—he gave some half-assed jazz hands at this point to emphasize his point—"What I'm trying to say is, you've gotta get it in while you can. All this waiting bullshit is not conducive to your sexual health." Jared took a sip of his latte, curling his lips in disgust. He hadn't sweetened it, because apparently—according to Alana—that lessened the flavor bouquet of the beans. Or something.

"That's awful, Jared. It's not like that at all."

"I'm not trying to say you should do anything bad, Hansen, I'm just saying, you're not going to have a willing participant for much longer."

"Could you not do that?" Evan asked, cold anger underlying his voice. His heart was racing at the thought of Zoe leaving him like that; a fear he now realized he hadn't even been having. Whoa.

"Do what?"

"Try and cast doubts about Zoe with me. Our relationship is like, whatever it is and it's not cool when you act like she's still out of my league. Like yeah, it's true, sure, she's still like, the Zoe Murphy and I'm still like, me, obviously, but she's dating me anyways, or whatever we're doing, so like, the point is moot, ok?" Evan couldn't help some of his nervous ticks as they emerged, fiddling with his hands and gesticulating in the air when the words wouldn't come to him.

"Whatever floats your boat, Hansen. I will suspend my disbelief from this point forward," Jared held his hands up in mock defeat, yielding. Evan breathed a small sigh of relief, holding his cup of tea tightly, trying to slow his breathing without making it obvious to Jared. "So what's stopping y'all then? From doing the dirty, I mean," immediately Jared was back to his crude self, moment of kindness forgotten.

"Because we don't want to rush. We want it to be special," Evan ducked his chin and lowered his voice, mumbling something else that Jared couldn't hear.

"Sorry, what's that?" Jared cupped his hand behind his ear and leaned over the table. Evan's cheeks and ears flamed red.

"We have to get condoms," Evan mumbled, still quiet. It was all Jared needed to hear though. He guffawed so loudly that half the restaurant turned and looked at him sharply. He didn't seem to notice, hooting and slapping his knee.

"Oh my god. Oh my god," he crowed, losing his mind. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he relented, noticing Evan's embarrassment turning to anger, especially with the eyes of most of the clientele on them. "It's just that this is the perfect cocktail. You see it, right? Evan Hansen, introvert extraordinaire, too anxious to go buy his own condoms. And probably too embarrassed to admit to his girlfriend he needs the extra-small and ask her to buy them."

"That's not true! I mean, I don't need those! It's none of your business!" Evan snapped, his face an even darker shade of red, which Jared didn't think was possible.

"Uh huh. Whatever you say. And let me guess, you're going to ask me to go buy them for you?"

"I mean, was thinking about it. But not anymore," Evan sounded wounded as he spoke, crossing his legs and turning away from Jared.

"Right. Because you can totally buy your own condoms."

"I'll figure it out," Evan still looked away, his anger subsiding slowly.

"You could always ask Connor," Jared suggested. He paused for a moment as Evan looked at him with even greater exasperation before hooting in laughter again. "Oh c'mon, that was funny. He would fucking flatten you. No need for condoms if you're dead, amirite?" Jared chuckled to himself, just imagining it. Evan remained stoically silent, glaring.

"Ok ok, I relent. I will buy your condoms. Any preferences on brand? I'm thinking Trojan for myself. My dad says we have some strong swimmers," Jared sat back and crossed his arms, pleased with the apparent strength of his sperm.

"Wait what? You're buying condoms too? Why?" Evan looked at Jared now with alarm.

"Just in case. Gotta be ready. You know the ladies love me," Jared polished his nails jokingly on his shirt.

"Jared, you and Alana aren't even dating. You can't actually think anything's going to happen," Evan thought about everything his mom had said to him yesterday, about how special and important the first time was. He didn't know why, but the idea of two of his friends messing up their first time scared him, a lot. He wanted to stop them, to protect them from themselves. And scolding Jared probably wasn't the best way to do it.

"Dude, chill. It's just in case. I want to be prepared, if we so choose. And don't look at me like that. We might do it," Jared paused and glared as Evan tried to wipe the expression of disbelief off his face. "You're so wrapped up with Zoe you never notice the rest of us whenever we're all together. I think something might be happening. We're studying tomorrow after school together. Just the two of us."

"Really? That's actually awesome. I'm really happy for you," Evan placated. He still found it hard to discern Jared's jokes from reality, but he was relieved to see that his friend wasn't rushing into anything. It filled him with doubt about his own intentions, though. Was he rushing things with Zoe?

"Thanks man. So, Trojan or naw?" Jared took a bite of his ham and cheese croissant, now cold.

"Oh, um, I don't really care," Evan replied, cheeks reddening faintly again.

"Dude, you need to have an opinion on this. It's important."

"It is?"

"Yeah. There's ribbed, and flavored, and lubricated and non-lubricated, and some weird ones too. One of my friends at camp didn't know what he was doing, and he accidentally bought ones for guys with erectile dysfunction. His dick went numb halfway through and he had to pull out and wait for sensation to come back. Said it was nice though, because it meant he lasted way longer…" Jared drifted off, as though seriously contemplating whether numbing condoms were a good choice for him as well.

"Not those. I mean, I really don't care, I just want like, normal ones, I guess," Evan stared at the scone crumbs on his plate, his hands shaking lightly. The shop had been out of herbal tea so he had gotten black instead, and even the small amount of caffeine buzzing through his system was uncomfortable, heightening his anxiety.

"Ok. I'll get you whatever I get. Extra small though, of course," Jared smiled naughtily at Evan, who just rolled his eyes.

"So," Alana began thumbing through hangers on the rack, looking for her size. "Were you ever going to tell me how you got that lovely little hickey on your neck there? I waited patiently all through breakfast for you to bring it up, but you seem to be keeping mum on the whole topic."

She found the size she needed and pulled it off the rack, holding it up to examine the sequined details. The girls were deep in the dress section, having greeted Jared and Evan before separating to their various sections of the store. Zoe and Evan had both noticed Alana and Jared go in for the awkward hug and smiled knowingly at each other, Evan only now clued in to whatever was going on there.

"Whatever you're thinking happened is probably exactly what did," Zoe smiled and reached up to graze the hickey again, a little embarrassed.

"I'm not sure our visions are aligning completely, perhaps you could enlighten me?" Alana looked over the rack of dresses at Zoe, smiling knowingly.

"Well we kind of spent the night together," Zoe admitted with chagrin. Alana's mouth dropped. "But we didn't sleep together or anything! I mean, we slept together, but not like that," Zoe's smile grew wider and wider as she spoke. Alana eyed her knowingly and Zoe felt a blush creep into her cheeks.

"What do you think of this for you?" Alana held a dress up, a deep purple shift with a sequined detail down one side.

"Wow yeah, I'll try it," Zoe took the dress and draped it over her arm on top of the others she had.

"So you haven't done it yet then. Slept together, I mean," Alana clarified unnecessarily.

"No. Not yet," Zoe replied, her smile widening again. Alana saw and her jaw dropped once more.

"Oh my god, you're going to, aren't you?"

"Well yes, eventually. I think that's what usually happens in these kinds of relationships, right?" Zoe tried to deflect.

"Oh no you don't. You're planning it soon. I can tell," Alana replied, draping a bright yellow dress over her arm.

"Maybe. I think we're thinking after the dance. Since my parents will be gone and everything. I'm not sure though. We're trying not to plan it too hard, ya know? Trying to keep it spontaneous, but safe."

"Oh my god! You're actually going to do it! You have to tell me everything after. You have protection, right? Please tell me you have birth control. If not, I can go with you to the clinic or something, I volunteered this past summer at Planned Parenthood; they give double hours for whatever community service you do, and it's totally free and anonymous. I cannot believe this. I'm so excited!" Alana was ecstatic. Zoe smiled too, but looked around, hoping nobody overheard them.

"Me too," she whispered, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and pulling out a navy gown from the rack, eying it for a moment before shoving it back. "And yes, I'm on birth control. I've been on the pill for forever because of my cramps. And he's buying the condoms."

"Evan Hansen is going to go to a store and buy condoms?" Alana asked in disbelief.

"That's what he said," Zoe replied tersely. She didn't like it when people tried to define Evan like that, thinking of him as less than capable. Still, Alana had a point; Zoe realized she hadn't actually thought about how hard it would be for him. She decided not to worry; if he had an issue he could talk to her.

"Sorry, I'm just surprised," Alana said, a bit defensively. Zoe could get a bit protective when it came to Evan. Zoe just walked over to another rack and continued browsing, seemingly unconcerned.

"You're fine! How's this one for you?" Zoe held out a fit-and-flare dress, ruby red with a taffeta underskirt.

"I love it," Alana grabbed the hanger from Zoe and lay it over her arm. "Are we ready to try on? We can come back out and look some more if none of these work," Alana eyed the piled on both their arms dubiously. They easily had fifteen dresses apiece.

"Yeah, I think I'm good!" Zoe replied, chuckling at their loads.

They went into the fitting rooms and began the process. Zoe didn't like the first dress she had picked, a black body-con that was a bit too loose in the waist. The next—the purple one Alana had handed her—was cute, but wasn't the greatest. As in the saying, the third time was the charm: she sighed as she watched the skirt settle, knowing instantly this was the one.

The dress was a soft, petal pink. It came to just above her knees, a tight bodice giving way to a voluminous skirt, gold lace detailing adding an edge of elegance to the whole number. The cut back shoulders made her arms look long and light—almost ballerina like. She needed the perfect heels, but already she loved it. She felt like a princess.

"I found it!' She called out to Alana, in the next dressing room over.

"Ooh lemme see!" Alana replied. Zoe unlatched the door and stepped out slowly, maximizing the dramatic effect. "Oh. My. God." Alana stood there and gaped, letting her eyes travel over every perfect inch. "Spin," she commanded. Zoe obliged, first turning slowly to show the back of the bodice, then spun again to let the skirt twirl around her.

"I love it," she sighed, stopping and feeling the skirt sway, settling.

"I literally can't think of anything more perfect. The pink makes your skin look flawless and brightens your hair too. Plus it will match Evan. You guys are both so pale, after all," Alana laughed, holding her arm up to Zoe's, comparing the two very different skin tones. "Give me a few minutes, I haven't found mine yet. I'll come out and model any of the ones I like," she popped back into the room next to Zoe. Zoe stepped back into hers and carefully, lovingly, removed the dress, rehanging it and then throwing her own clothes back on. The contrast between this fairy-like dress and her casual jeans, sweater and high-tops was perfect.

She sat in a high-backed fancy arm chair in the fitting room area, oohing and ahhing at Alana's dresses. It took her four more tries to find the one, but it was well worth the effort.

Alana's dress was a deep emerald green, the same length as Zoe's. The fitted bodice was covered in lace, the skirt made of pleated silk with a small bow right at the waist. It was perfect, illuminating her features and totally in tune with the elegance of Zoe's dress.

They both knew it too. Alana couldn't hold the giant grin that filled her face as she modeled it for Zoe, showing off the low back and lace detailing. Zoe's own smile was even bigger; she felt so happy that the girl who had been completely obsessed with school, internships, and achievement a few months ago was now so completely thrilled with such a simple pleasure as the perfect homecoming dress.

They checked out together and were walking to the shoe section of the department store when Zoe's phone rang.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Uhh hey. It's Evan," his voice crackled on the other side.

"I know, silly! Caller id." Zoe laughed.

"Oh yeah. Obviously. Sorry," he replied.

"No apologies! What's up?"

"What are you guys up to?"

"We just got our dresses! I'm heading down for shoes now. How is tux-hunting going?"

"We got ours too, just doing accessories now. What color is your dress?"

"Ooh is this for buying a tie?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Well it's a very light pink color. If you google 'petal pink' on your phone and look at the dresses that pop up, that should be right."

"Ok, sounds good. That was all I needed."

"Ok, awesome," Zoe replied, ready to hang up. "Oh wait! Evan, how tall are you?"

"How tall am I? I think I'm like six feet, maybe six feet and an inch, why?"

"I just wanna know how tall of a heel I can get away with and still be shorter than you."

"Ohh ok. Anything you wear will be perfect. But you already knew that."

"Don't flatter me!"

"I could never," he joked. "Ok, I gotta run, Jared's getting impatient," a faint and very suggestive cough came in the background. "I love you. Bye."

"I love you too," Zoe replied, a smile instantly springing to her cheeks, a faint blush quick to follow. "Bye." The words never got old. Not yet at least. It didn't feel like they ever would.

Alana stood there, eyes wide with shock. "Excuse me, but did I just hear what I think I heard?"

"What did you hear?" Zoe slipped her phone back in her pocket and got on the escalator down to the shoe section.

"Did you just use the L-word with each other?"

"Yeah. We did." Zoe blushed some more, beaming.

"Oh my god! When did that start?"

"The loving him, or the telling him about it?"

"Both!" Alana laughed and Zoe couldn't help but laugh too. She wanted to be embarrassed but couldn't bring herself to; the happiness just overwhelmed it.

"Well the loving thing was kind of a given from the get-go. I think I knew after the first or second time we hung out, even if it wasn't romantic love yet," Zoe stepped off the escalator and started walking across the store to the shoes.

"And when did it become romantic?" Alana interrupted.

"I had a conversation with my brother about it. Which sounds weird, but is true. He gave me some really good advice," Zoe's smile dimmed a bit, remembering the night Connor had come out to her. She wondered if her dating Evan was making things worse for him. She didn't know how strong his feelings for the boy had been, how serious it was. He had urged her to go for it, but had he really meant it, or was he just saying that to patch things between them?

"Ok, when was this?"

"When was what?" Zoe asked, forgetting her conversation with Alana amid her thoughts of her brother. "Oh, the conversation with Connor? It was like a few days before we started dating. I kissed Ev the next day actually. Our first kiss."

"That is so sweet!" Alana squealed. Zoe thought back and had to laugh, remembering how Evan had freaked out and all the awful doubts in her mind about how she had ruined the friendship. Had it really just been two weeks?

"Kinda, I guess," Zoe gave in, knowing Alana wouldn't get the complexities of it.

"And?" Alana pushed.

"And what?"

"When did you tell each other?" Alana asked. Zoe paused, thinking back to the car yesterday, the worry about her brother. As her relationship with Evan grew, so did her brother's problems. He had spiraled before, it was probably unrelated, but still…

"Yesterday," she finally responded. "He told me yesterday."

"Oh my god, he said it first? I never would have thought!"

"Yeah well," Zoe replied absentmindedly. Her thoughts were a weird mix of pleasure from reminiscing about Evan and worry about her brother. She hated to think that her and Evan could be causing him more pain, but now looking back she knew it was likely true. And she hated the pain Connor caused Evan. It seemed like no matter what they tried, there was no balance to be found between the three of them.

"Ok, I'm thinking that I want something simple and black with my dress, anything light would just look weird." Alana interrupted her reverie as they arrived at the massive shoe section. "You need something light though, maybe gold to match the accents?" Alana walked into the clearance portion, going straight to the heels in the back.

"Yeah I was thinking that too. I'm five foot eight, so I can do pretty much any heel and still be shorter than Evan. I didn't realize he was so tall!"

"Zoe, you rest your head against his chest and he can put his chin literally on top of your head without craning his neck. The height differential is perfect."

"I thought I was always leaning to make that happen!" Zoe pulled a box of heels out and sat to try them on, already knowing they were the ones.

"No girl, you two fit like puzzle pieces. And those are most definitely your shoes," Alana let out a whistle at the sight of the heels on Zoe's feet.

They were pale gold sandal heels with an ankle strap. When she stood, her legs looked about two miles long. The heels were still short and comfortable enough to walk and even dance in though. The gold was pale and pink-hued, accenting her skin and the dress perfectly.

"Dance break!" Zoe started to dance to the top forty playing from the speakers, nudging Alana with her shoulder and giggling. Alana could only laugh as Zoe went hard, flailing her arms and pulling out some retro moves, fearless of who was watching. The song ended and Zoe sat down on the bench, like nothing had happened, unstrapping the heels and placing them tenderly back in their box.

"I guess you're right, we do kind of fit perfectly," Zoe finally replied, her face dreamy, breathing hard. She was spending altogether too much time thinking about this boy. She just couldn't help it. "Now let's find your perfect heels!" She clapped excitedly and pulled Alana over a few racks to her size, beginning to browse eagerly.

Alana found a pair quickly and was completely smitten with them. They were velvet black wedges, with an array of straps snaking around her foot.

"Jared might be peeved, but he can deal," she chuckled as she pulled the heels off.

"Why would he be peeved?" Zoe asked.

"With these on, I'll be way taller than him. We're already the same height to start with."

"Those heels are gorgeous, I think he'll be able to cope," Zoe replied as they walked to the check out. "Speaking of Jared, what are you thinking on that front?"

"What do you mean? Alana batted her eyelashes, playing dumb.

"You know exactly what I mean!" Zoe responded.

"I'm thinking a whole lot, to tell the truth."

"Like?" Zoe prompted.

"Well, for starters, what my standards are," Alana began. Zoe laughed and Alana smiled but continued on, after taking her receipt from the lady at the counter. "I don't mean to sound snobby, but I don't want to settle just because it's high school, you know? I want to find 'the one'."

"That makes sense. And you don't think that's Jared." Zoe stated as they took their bags and headed to find the boys.

"I don't know. I don't want to be reckless, you know?"

"I do know. I don't think that means you shouldn't give him a chance though," Zoe replied thoughtfully.

"Why? He's so crude, and he spends so much time gaming it's like he doesn't care about anything else, and I'm not sure what kinds of grades he gets or what his expectations are for college. Plus there's the whole distance thing, which I don't want to do at all—"

"Whoa whoa whoa! Hold your horses! You're getting ahead of yourself," Zoe laughed. "Let's start at the beginning. Jared is definitely crude. It's because he likes being funny and wants to please you, whatever it takes to get a laugh. And he does spend time gaming, but that's not because he doesn't care about anything else! He cares about us, and I know he loves the summer camp that he attends. He was a counselor-in-training this past summer there, and he's going to be paid this next summer, as a real counselor. It's something he's super passionate about, you should ask him about it some time! And the future is terrifying, but it's just that: the future. It's not a reason to stop yourself from having fun or enjoying life right now. Does that make sense? I feel like I just rambled," Zoe blushed, realizing she had totally monologued on her friend. Alana just laughed.

"No it made perfect sense! And you're right. I overthink things. I just know that I don't want to marry somebody who plays tons of videogames and lives for a summer camp."

"I think you'll find that by the time marriage is a good topic to discuss, he will be a very different person. Plus, that's more future talk. You can't know the future."

"As always, you're right," Alana conceded as they spotted the boys, sitting on their phones near the store entrance. "How about you and Ev? What are you thinking for the future?" As she spoke, Evan spotted Zoe and a warm smile lit his face as he stood. Zoe smiled back, not taking her eyes off of him as she responded to Alana.

"We don't know the future. We just know that whatever time we spend apart is going to be temporary." Before she even finished speaking she sped up, walking over and wrapping her arms around him easily. Alana could only watch before turning and looking at Jared awkwardly. He gave her a half-hearted wave. Thank goodness they both silently agreed to forego another attempt at a hug next to this impossible standard.

"Can I see?' Evan leaned over and tried to peek into the bag containing Zoe's dress.

"Absolutely not! Can I see yours?" Zoe asked.

"Nuh uh! No double standards allowed!" Evan smiled back and held his bag behind his back.

"It's homecoming, not your fucking wedding," Jared dead-panned from the side. Alana laughed a little bit too hard, and Zoe grinned knowingly as Jared turned to her, pleased with himself.

Evan reached out his hand to Zoe and she interlaced her fingers with his as they walked into the mall, swinging their hands between them like children. Jared mimed sticking a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger, flying backwards in a gruesome silent death. This time, Alana could only look on in distaste, turning her weary gaze to Zoe, who just laughed.


	24. Chapter 24

Evan began bouncing his leg on the bed absentmindedly as he read. Zoe, lying on her stomach next to him, quietly reached out and placed her hand on his leg, stopping the bouncing.

"Sorry," Evan smiled sheepishly.

"You're ok, it was just making my book bounce too much to read," Zoe didn't look up as she spoke, intent on the text in front of her.

They continued reading in silence, getting through the load of homework they'd been assigned. The teachers knew homecoming was this weekend and had doubled the load in a failed attempt to keep the students focused. Of course, their math teacher had decided last minute to have a test on Friday too, so now they had that to study for as well.

They were good at focusing together though; silent companionship came as easily to them as everything else. Evan flipped his page and began bouncing his other leg without realizing it, purely out of habit. With a smile, Zoe reached across again and put her hand on that too.

Together, their ears perked as they heard a car door slam in the garage beneath them. It was Connor getting home.

Apparently yesterday he had gone to therapy and spent a good long time out. He didn't tell anybody where he went but Zoe suspected the orchard, since he smelled like fermented fruit when he came back. She had texted Evan about it, pondering whether or not to try and talk to him at all. Eventually they had decided that a day of space would probably be best—giving their hickeys a chance to fade. They also wanted to stay suspended in the happiness that their afternoon at the mall had brought, getting dorkily excited about homecoming and sharing french fries and milk shakes afterwards.

They both listened attentively, studying forgotten, as the door to the garage opened and closed beneath them.

He did something downstairs, shuffling around in the kitchen, before they heard his tread on the stairs. They both looked at the door expectantly; usually he would come in and hang with them or suggest they move downstairs to where there was more seating, but today he just breezed past the doorway, ignoring them completely. Zoe furrowed her brow, looking at Evan worriedly. He didn't say anything, waiting to hear Connor's door slam shut before speaking.

"I should go talk to him."

"He might be avoiding us for a reason," Zoe pointed out. She hadn't brought up her worries about their relationship affecting Connor with Evan yet, but maybe now was the time.

"Why?"

"The gay thing," Zoe said hesitantly, sitting up to look Evan in the eye.

"Why would that matter? Does he know I know?" Evan asked.

"I don't think so? I don't know how to describe it," Zoe began tentatively. How to toe the line without revealing to Evan that Connor had feelings for him? That was something she could never do, even as it weighed on her. Connor had given her his blessing, hadn't he?

"Is it like a jealousy thing?" Evan asked.

"What?" Zoe looked at him with alarm. Did he know?

"I mean like, is it maybe just hard for him to see us together? Like being all couple-y and stuff, when that's not something he can do, ya know?"

"Oh, like just seeing us happy? Yeah. I think. Maybe." Zoe looked down at the cuffs of her jeans, covered in metallic sharpie stars that she scribbled on when she got bored.

"Well we can tone it down when we're in front of him. See if we can make it easier, or something like that. Maybe that will help. Have you talked to him at all about coming out to people? Like, since he came out to you? I'm sure Alana and Jared wouldn't care. And they don't know your parents, so they probably won't tell either. I'm a safe option too."

"I don't think he'd want to do that. He's been really angry and closed off since telling me. I don't think he even intended to tell me in the first place," Zoe replied. As she spoke, they heard music begin to play from Connor's room. It was metal, some sort of screaming paired with the clash of a too-loud guitar. And it was very, very loud. Zoe rose her voice to finish speaking. "Maybe I should talk to him! I don't think he wants to come out though!"

She was essentially yelling to be heard. This was ridiculous. Connor had never done anything like this when Evan was there before.

Evan started to speak but gave up, instead pointing to himself, then to the door. He was going to go talk to him. Zoe's hand shot out and grabbed his arm, stopping him. Evan leaned in closely and yelled in her ear so she could hear him. "I'm not going to tell him I know!" She released her grip and looked at him with worry. He wrapped his arms around her in a quick hug and squeezed before letting go and stepping out into the hallway. She could only watch him go, her brow creased in worry.

He knocked once on Connor's door before realizing how useless it was. He was just going to have to take his chances and go in. He turned the knob slowly, hoping Connor would see it and know he was coming. He opened the door a crack and stuck his head through.

It looked like a tornado had hit. The dark blue walls lent no light to the room, and the window had black curtains hanging in front. The floor was covered in blobs of black, clothes flung everywhere, including hanging off the small lamp, doing its best to illuminate the dark room. Connor lay on the bed, an arm over his eyes. Evan realized the boy wouldn't be able to hear him unless he yelled in his ear, which sounded like a really good way to get punched. Instead he walked over to the stereo and rotated the volume knob all the way to the left, silencing the noise. His ears continued ringing as the cacophony died down. When he turned around, Connor was sitting up, glaring at him.

"What the fuck," Connor said. It wasn't even a question.

"I'm sorry, we were just trying to study and it was so loud that we couldn't focus. Would you mind turning it down?"

"Well it looks like you've taken care of that for me," Connor replied.

"I'm sorry, I would have asked you but I didn't want to yell in your ear with your eyes closed," Evan looked at the floor, his nerves starting to catch up with him in the now painfully quiet room. "Uhh, do you want to come study with us? I think we were about to move downstairs anyways."

"Evan. My dearest pal. I love you to death, but please get the fuck out of my room." Connor smiled ingratiatingly as he spoke, which lent an extra edge of cold malice to his words. Evan's face fell.

"Ok, Connor. I'm sorry I came in. If you want to join us, just come down. We'd love to hang with you. Since you didn't go to the mall yesterday, I mean."

"I had other things to do."

"Yeah, how did your appointment go? Is your therapist onboard with the whole 'quitting drugs' thing?" Evan jumped at the opportunity to connect. Connor was quick to shut him down.

"I believe I asked you to get the fuck out. Do you remember that? Cause I sure do," Connor stared Evan in the eye as he spoke, shutting him down completely. Evan turned and left the room wordlessly.

Zoe was sitting on her bed, chewing her nails when he came back in. He walked over and sat next to her, seemingly dazed. She looked at him expectantly, but he didn't speak, just sitting there.

"Well?" she asked.

"I just. . ." Evan broke off, taking some deep breaths. Zoe recognized his efforts to slow his anxiety and scooched over closer to him, pulling his hand to bring him closer. He resisted, focusing on his breathing some more. She furrowed her brow in worry and watched passively, wishing she could help.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

"No apologies," Zoe mumbled.

"No I just. . . I don't know Zo, he's mad. Like really mad. I think I made him mad," Evan's voice cracked as he spoke, tears underneath the surface. This time he let himself be brought closer as Zoe wrapped her arms around him, shushing him gently. He didn't cry, fighting to keep his breathing even. He would not cry. He was stronger than that. He was stronger then letting this boy determine his feelings.

"I will fucking murder him," Zoe whispered, tensing. Evan pulled away and looked at her.

"I don't know Zoe. Something must be wrong. He lashes out because he's hurting, right?" Evan tried to convince himself as he spoke, tried to destroy the thought that somebody hated him. Feeling invisible was one thing; feeling hated was another. He didn't know how to live with that.

"Yeah," Zoe relented. "But that's no excuse to be an asshole. I covered for him originally because I saw him being nice to you and thought there was hope. I kept going once he came out because it made sense that that would be difficult. But now I'm beginning to think he's just a closeted asshole."

"Are you going to tell your parents?"

"I don't know. Now that he says he's quitting the drugs, maybe that will help. Blasting the music was probably how he was coping."

"I wish he could come talk about it instead of that. Or I wished. I don't know if I'd want that now, with the mood he's in." Evan leaned back against Zoe's headboard, gazing thoughtfully at her. She looked at him too, thinking.

"He needs more time," Zoe finally said.

"Huh?"

"I'm going to tell him tonight. I'm going to tell our parents everything that's happened in two weeks, unless he cleans up his act. This is ridiculous."

"You're right. If you want, I can do it. Take some of the blame off your shoulders, since you have to live with him and all that," Evan offered thoughtfully. Zoe reached out and squeezed his hand, giving him a wan smile.

"That's incredibly sweet, but I'm not making you do that. I'm his sister. I can handle it."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Evan clasped her hand more tightly and pulled her in until she fell on top of him. She giggled, their faces inches apart, and kissed him on the nose. Just like that, from stormy eyed and worry-ridden to giggling and joyous. Zoe Murphy.

"Now, back to work!" She righted herself and picked her book up from where it fell on the floor. Evan smiled wryly at her and picked his own book back up from the bedside table. His leg started bouncing casually. She reached out silently and set a hand on it, a small smile on her face.


	25. Chapter 25

Evan paced the length of the parking lot, checking license plates as if it would help. He knew what Connor's car looked like, and it definitely wasn't there. He looped around and started back towards the building. Zoe was waiting at the front door, having checked the staff lot. She hadn't found him either.

It was Wednesday, and Connor hadn't shown up to school. Zoe said his car had been at home when she left for jazz band that morning, but then he wasn't in class. Now it was lunch and there was still no sign of him. Neither Zoe nor Evan could understand why he would skip: Zoe had given him the ultimatum about improving his behavior on Monday after Evan left, and he had told her to fuck off. She'd been ok with that, saying it was a typical Connor response. Plus, he'd gone to school yesterday, still eerily depressed but ironically humorous with Evan and Jared. He had ignored Zoe completely and handed Alana his latest piece for the newspaper in silence. The skipping today couldn't be related to any of that.

Evan and Zoe walked back in silent thought. They arrived at the courtyard to see Jared and Alana sitting a safe four feet away from each other, staring at them with concern.

"What's going on?" Jared asked.

"Connor didn't come to school today," Evan replied. "And he's ignoring our texts."

"Have you called your parents yet, Zoe?" Alana asked. Zoe didn't seem to hear her, chewing on her lip and staring off into the distance absentmindedly. Evan took her hand and squeezed it. When she looked at him, he could see the tears welling in her eyes. She was trying hard not to let them out in front of Jared and Alana.

"We're not telling the Murphy's yet," he responded for her. "There's nothing they can do from Malaysia. Plus he's probably fine, just playing hooky or something," he squeezed Zoe's hand as he spoke. She squeezed back and gave him a halfhearted smile. If Connor had texted her anything, even some nasty text, it would be better than not knowing where he was.

"Can you go home and check if he's there?" Jared asked.

"We both have that English discussion after lunch, and then I have a physics test and she has a French presentation."

"These teachers just can't give us a break. And homecoming week too!" Alana harrumphed.

"I'm pretty sure that's why they're not giving us a break," Jared pointed out. "But yeah, makes sense you can't go check. I would go for you, if I weren't in all your classes."

"Same," Alana said quietly, eyes fixed on Zoe.

"He's probably just at home taking a day off. I'm sure everything's fine," Evan tried to quell the situation, wanting to take Zoe's mind off it. Jared caught on quickly.

"What's the sitch with our dear district paper pushers?" he asked Alana.

"Well it's only gotten worse, let me tell you," Alana began, eager to share her research and relishing in Jared's attention. Evan turned back to Zoe and she squeezed his hand gratefully, having gotten her tears under control. Shakily, they managed to get a meal down. It was hard to pretend everything was ok, but if they didn't, they wouldn't be able to survive the day.

The bell rang and they all walked to English together. Evan paused outside of the classroom and pulled Zoe to the side before going in.

"I think we should tell your parents," he murmured. Zoe looked at him, reluctance framing her features.

"Only if he's done something bad today. If he's just ditching, that's fine."

"Zoe, do you remember when I was over for dinner that very first time? And your dad agreed to give Connor a month before re-evaluating everything?" Zoe nodded. "Well it's been nearly two, and almost everything you argued wouldn't happen has happened since then. Connor's been using, he skips therapy and now he's skipping school too. It's bad."

"It's different though," Zoe pleaded. "He has friends now, he has reasons to keep fighting."

"I don't think that's enough. He needs help."

"My dad doesn't get it though. That's the only reason I'm hiding stuff from him. I know what's going on with Connor isn't ok, but it's better than if he went to that school in Pennsylvania, I promise you. Connor's flunked out of rehab too many times for my dad's taste."

"I just don't think Connor's going to get better like this though."

"I know," Zoe began chewing on her lip again, working up a red spot where her teeth kept scraping over the delicate skin. Evan reached out and put his thumb gently over the spot, stopping her from chewing it more. She half-smiled, meeting his eye with embarrassment. She was used to stopping his ticks, not the other way around.

"I'm on your side Zoe," Evan whispered. "I don't want to get him busted or anything. But I hate seeing him struggle, and you get hurt, and all this hiding stuff from your parents is just hard."

"I know." Zoe responded. They stood there like that for a moment, just looking at each other. It all felt impossible, so much bigger and scarier than them. But somehow, some way, it felt safe there, in that moment, eyes locked, standing outside their English classroom. Just for a moment.

"Look, we should get inside," Zoe glanced through the door, where Jared and Alana were watching them with knowing looks. "We can talk more about this later. Whatever happens though, I want to have fun this weekend. Unless Connor is dead, we are going to make that happen, ok?"

"Ok," Evan smiled at her and they hugged quickly, minding the eyes of the classroom on them. They walked in together, a little more at peace than they were before.

Zoe and Evan stared in silence through the windshield of the bug. She had used a remote to open all the garage bays, and the only car inside was Larry's little red Porsche.

"Maybe he went to a coffee shop or something?" Evan broached the silence, trying to assume the best.

They sat in silence for a moment, knowing full well he wasn't at a coffee shop. Evan remembered the previous weekend at the orchard all too well, Connor's car spewing gravel as he headed off to some unknown place in search of his prized drugs. The side of his life that he kept deeply private, hidden from both of them, loomed too large. If he didn't want to be found, he wouldn't be. If he did though…

"The orchard?" Evan asked. Without a word, Zoe put the car in reverse and backed out, pressing the remote to close the garage doors. They drove in silence, each preoccupied with what was happening, what they might find.

His car was in the orchard parking lot, but he wasn't inside it. Evan walked ahead into the trees, dodging the mushy rotten apples on the ground, long overripe. He kept his eyes up as he walked, somehow knowing where he would find the boy. Zoe followed, scanning around them. Neither called out, searching only with their eyes.

Evan saw him first. He was sitting in a tree, about fifteen feet off the ground, leaning against the trunk with his legs crossed. His eyes were closed, and he was smiling peacefully, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Connor!" Zoe called out, anger and worry all at once. He didn't seem to notice.

Evan didn't think before grabbing the lowest branch and pulling himself up. He hadn't climbed since the day he broke his arm the past summer and he had a panic attack just watching Connor climbing a tree two weeks ago. Now here he was, chasing after the boy, apparently intent on confronting his worst fears. Connor had a way of doing that to him.

"Hey Con, how you doing?" Evan asked once he was on the branch below Connor. The boy lazily opened his eyes and looked down at Evan, a wide smile forming. His pupils were so widely dilated, they looked completely black.

"Evan. Beautiful Evan. Total Jew-fro Evan. Hi." He waved as he spoke, twirling his fingers lazily.

"Is he ok?" Zoe asked from below, craning her neck to look up at the two boys.

"Yeah he's fine. High as a kite but healthy," Evan responded.

"That wasn't very nice," Connor reached out to try and shush Evan, but missed, teetering slightly in his seat. "You shouldn't accuse friends of bad, bad things. Especially not good friends. We're good friends Ev, you and I."

"You're right Connor. If you really think we're good friends, maybe you'll help me out by coming down? We can sit on this branch together," Evan suggested, gesturing to the one he was standing on.

Connor reached out with his hand and Evan took it, thinking it was to help the boy down. Instead, Connor turned to face Evan and began leaning backwards, tipping away over the branch and using Evan's hand to keep himself balanced. Evan could feel his grip slipping as Connor tipped; if he let go, the boy would topple over backwards and fall head-first, fifteen feet to the ground.

"Evan," Zoe asked with alarm. "What's happening?"

"I'm coming sissy, don't you fret!" Connor responded, slurring his words together.

"Evan, he's going to fall!" Zoe yelled, panic taking hold.

"When you're falling in a forest," Connor sighed, lifting his free arm dramatically over his head.

"Connor, I need you to not let go of my hand right now, ok?" Evan tried to tighten his grip, but he couldn't; if he let go any of the tension the boy would fall. Instead, Evan let go of the trunk with his other hand and reached out to grip the branch Connor was sitting on, bracing himself uncomfortably against it. It was too far of a distance to be secure, but better than just balancing on the branch he was on. Connor was fully lying down at this point, his back bent in a perfect semi-circle around the branch.

"Evan, can you stop him?" Zoe pleaded from below.

"I'm trying," Evan grunted back, his shoulder straining in the socket with Connor's weight.

"Ok because his butt is slipping over the branch away from you," Zoe called back. Her fear and anger had turned to cold rationality in the face of the emergency. Evan let that flow through him, taking over his mind. Better than the anxiety.

"Ok, here's what's going to happen," Evan called out, his voice quavering as Connor's hand slipped a little more. "I'm going to give in and let him fall, but it's going to be controlled. I'll let him pull me until I'm balanced on the branch he's sitting on now. Then I'll let him go. That's only about ten feet or so, and it's the best I can do, plus he'll be going feet first. Sound good?"

"Are you sure? Can you not pull him back?"

"His hand is already slipping from mine, there's no way I could pull. Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Zoe responded, moving slightly away so she wouldn't get landed on.

"Ok, here goes," Evan grunted. He let go with the arm he was bracing against the branch with. He had forgotten to account for the fact that Connor's weight was already entirely on the other side of the branch, and instead of moving slowly to balance against it like he had anticipated, Evan was yanked into the air by Connor's countered weight. His stomach slammed into the branch and all the air burst from his lungs with an oomf!

Connor slid away from him head first, but Evan's grip swung him around. The moment that Evan was going to release him and let him fall, however, Connor decided to hold on, reaching with his other hand to grab Evan's bad wrist and gripping tightly. Evan's plan hadn't accounted for this. Connor's other hand slipped just as he grabbed Evan's wrist, and now he clung to Evan's arm, not letting go as Evan yelped in pain.

Connor's weight swung Evan completely over the branch and onto the other side, following Connor's descent, scrabbling to grab the branch with his loose hand. For a moment, it seemed like he would catch them and stop the momentum. Then he felt the bark burn as his palm slid across it.

Evan faintly heard Zoe scream as he fell, unable to hold both his and Connor's weight. The moment in the air was icy clear, seeming to last forever yet over in a flash. Connor landed first, Evan on top of him.

"Are you ok?" Zoe was there suddenly next to them, lifting Evan's chin to look at her. He groaned, stars passing in front of his eyes, a faint buzz in his ears.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. It seemed to require all the air he had in his lungs.

"No apologies!" Zoe said a bit too harshly, nerves driving her voice to shrillness. "But for real Evan, are you ok?"

"My shoulders. And my stomach. And my butt. My wrist too." he held it out in front of him, flexing his hand and marveling that it hadn't rebroken.

"At least your landing was cushioned," Zoe muttered, holding out her hand to help Evan up. He took it, but swung around to sit next to her, staying curled up around his stomach. Connor lay there, still smiling as though blissfully unaware of what had happened.

"I love you both so much," Connor mumbled, beaming up at Zoe. She couldn't help but roll her eyes, relief undermining the anger she felt at him. "No Zo, I really do. And Ev. I love you," he reached out and patted the top of Evan's shoe like he was petting a dog.

"Let's get you home," Zoe muttered, yanking him to his feet. He stumbled a bit and staggered over to the tree he had just fallen out of, holding onto the trunk for support.

"I love this tree too. Evan knows it. He knows the tree love. Tree love is true love," and with that he kissed the bark, lovingly. Zoe ignored him for a moment, reaching out to Evan. He held a hand out and she helped pull him to his feet, but he bent over, clutching at his stomach again.

"Evan, are you ok?" Zoe tried to lift his shirt and he held it down, taking deep breaths.

"I think it's just bruised. Gimme a sec," he kept breathing deeply, trying to right himself. After a minute or so, he managed to stand all the way up, gingerly. "Ok. Let's go. Can you help him walk?" he looked dubiously at Connor, who had his arms around the tree now, just holding it, beaming lovingly.

Zoe walked over to him and grabbed his elbow roughly, pulling him away from the tree. He started crying—real tears—as they walked.

"You don't understand love Zoe. You don't understand how it works."

"You're right Connor. I guess maybe I never will," she responded patiently as they walked. Evan followed behind, slowly.

"Evan knows. He knows true love, right Ev?" Connor's tears ceased instantly as he tried to stall and wait for the boy, but Zoe pulled him forward. "Ev?" Connor stopped abruptly and turned around. Evan was bent over again, hands on his knees.

"I'm fine, keep going," he waved Zoe on as she tried to turn back for him. The car was only thirty feet off or so at this point, so she grabbed Connor once more and walked him over, getting him packed into the back seat before returning to Evan. With her help, he stood in a hunched manner and hobbled back to the car.

"I wonder how Connor doesn't have any injuries, since you landed on him," Zoe pondered, trying to keep the tone light. She knew once the pain cleared a bit, Evan's anxiety would come rearing.

"He's probably too high to feel it," Evan replied under his breath as she opened the passenger door for him. He folded in, still holding his stomach, while she went around to the driver's side.

Back at the house, he was able to walk more easily on his own. He went and opened the front door so Zoe could help Connor in. At this point, the boy seemed more dazed than high, not necessarily comatose, but a little more out of it than before. Zoe helped him up the stairs while Evan followed behind, ready to catch him should he fall. They got his shoes off and put him into bed with all his clothes still on. He was snoring loudly before they had even closed the door.

Out in the hallway, Zoe got to her knees in front of Evan.

"Lemme see," she said, lifting his shirt. He let her this time, listening to her sharp intake of breath.

"Is it bad?" he asked, trying to crane his neck to see over the lifted shirt.

"It's not great," she replied, lowering the shirt and rising to face him. "You go lie down on my bed. And don't look at it. I'm going to get some ibuprofen and an ice pack."

He went into her room and laid down as she asked, but couldn't help himself from peeping at his stomach. There, right across his belly button, was a perfectly formed negative of the tree branch, marked in a fiery red across his stomach. He could see purple welts where knots had been in the bark, and a faint yellow shadow around the outside of it. He still felt slightly nauseous, and he could feel his stomach flip looking at how bad it was.

"You peeker!" Zoe laughed as she entered, making a very deliberate effort to keep it humorous. She handed him three white pills and a glass of water. He took them quickly, all in one swallow. "Since you looked anyways, would you mind taking your shirt off? It would help with this," Zoe lifted the ice pack in her other hand to show him.

He pulled his shirt off gingerly, without lifting his body from the bed, letting it slide along his back. She tenderly laid down a thin hand-towel on his stomach, then gently set the ice on top of it. He inhaled sharply at the sensation of cold meeting the painful soreness.

Zoe walked around the bed and got into it from the other side, scooching very carefully over next to Evan. She kissed his cheek once and laid her head on his chest, a safe distance away from the ice pack on his stomach. He lifted his arm around her and they lay there together. With her head on his chest, she could hear his heartbeat. As the minutes passed she listened to it slow down, felt his tense nerves relax next to her body. Suddenly, he chuckled.

"What's so funny?" she asked quietly.

"I was just thinking, if I had a nickel for every time you've rescued me from that orchard or tended to my wounds, I'd have a lot of nickels," Evan chuckled quietly again.

"You're not wrong. You are quite the injury prone boyfriend," Zoe nestled in next to him as she spoke.

"I just wish I could repay the favor. Your hurts are harder to tend to," Evan whispered. They both knew what he was talking about.

"You tend to them just fine," Zoe whispered into his ear.

They lay there like that for a while, both in thought. Evan didn't realize until he felt the first teardrop fall on his chest that Zoe was crying. He started rubbing circles on her back in the same way he always did, comforting her as the tears came. They quickly devolved into sobs, wracking her body as he held her. She wiped at her eyes and tried to stop, but he brought her hand away gently, laying it on his chest. He wiped his thumb gently across each cheek, drying her tears for her.

"I'm going to tell them," she whispered. He nodded.

"After homecoming," she whispered again. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. He felt her cheeks widen with a small smile as well. Of course, Zoe Murphy could find a reason to smile.


	26. Chapter 26

"I'm sorry."

Evan jumped. He hadn't realized Connor had entered the bathroom behind him. They were at Á La Mode; it was the day before homecoming. Evan had gone to the bathroom before leaving with Zoe to go pick up their corsage and boutonniere. He had been standing there at the sink, just letting the hot water flow over his hands, his nerves frayed by the day.

It had been Connor's first day back at school since Tuesday after taking Thursday off to recover from whatever drugs he was on at the orchard. He had joked all too naturally at lunch with Jared, cracking jokes and filling the air with his bellowing laughter. To Evan, it now somehow felt false and hostile. Connor was still pointedly ignoring Zoe, just like he had been since she gave him the ultimatum on Monday.

She tried not to let it get to her, but Evan could feel the sadness and dejection radiating from beside him as they sat and ate silently, letting Jared and Alana and Connor do all the talking. Connor had to know she was going to tell on him once their parents got home: she'd been very clear about the terms of the ultimatum and he'd broken them not even two days later. He'd endangered his own life, neglected his schoolwork, been reckless and frightening and hurtful. Still, he pretended she wasn't there, eyes passing over her like she was an empty space. Like he thought he was invincible.

He hadn't spoken to Evan either, but that hadn't felt deliberate: Evan had a way of avoiding uncomfortable interactions, and he almost never spoke up in front of the whole group anyways. But still, Evan felt a tentative unsureness from the boy; not quite regret, but also not the cocky humor that Alana and Jared were getting. He could feel Connor's eyes catching on him from across the circle, his body language negating the cold shoulder he was trying to give. Evan had wanted nothing more than to avoid the boy and the discomfort of the feelings that came along with him: confusion, anger, hurt. Now it looked like Connor had come to find him. He looked in the mirror and realized Connor was standing at a urinal, peeing while he spoke. Of course.

"Did you hear me?" Connor asked.

"It's fine," Evan replied tersely.

"No, it's not and we both know it," Connor said, still peeing. How big was his bladder?

"I mean, you didn't mean it," Evan turned and leaned against the counter, wiping his damp hands down his pants to dry them. He couldn't pretend to believe those words, no matter how much he wanted to, and his tone showed it. He wanted to go before things got worse, but he could sense that Connor wasn't done with him.

"Yes I did. We all know it. I'm a fucking mess, let's not beat around the bush with it, ok?"

"Uhh, ok," Evan kept rubbing his hands down his pants, even though they were dry. He wanted to shout at the boy, to curse him out for playing around with his life and with Zoe's feelings and for casting a shadow over their homecoming. But he never would. Coward.

"Thanks for being there for her."

"What?" Evan asked, even though he knew exactly what Connor meant. Don't act like you care about her now. Liar. Connor zipped up his pants and walked over to Evan, pushing his hands under the faucet next to him and waiting for the stream to start. After a moment, Evan reached out and pushed the handle for him; it wasn't automatic. Connor didn't thank him, just lathering his hands, waiting for Evan to speak. Evan didn't trust himself with words. He could imagine himself opening his mouth and telling Connor to go fuck himself—how the words would roll off his tongue, punctuating the air, carrying all his anger out of him and leaving him devoid of every negative thought he had.

"You need help, Con," Evan murmured instead as Connor dispensed a paper towel from the holder on the wall. Connor bristled at the words, not expecting them from Evan.

"I'm fine. I told you I know what I'm doing." Connor dried his hands with a paper towel slowly.

"Then why did you say you're a mess?"

"It's possible to be a mess and be fine."

"I disagree."

"I didn't ask you guys to show up and try to save my ass on Wednesday. I would have been fine." Connor rubbed his elbow absentmindedly as he spoke; Evan's hand came to rest on his stomach automatically. They were both still feeling the aftereffects two days later.

"Connor, you were like two minutes away from passing out. You would have broken your neck or something if you fell," Evan kept his hand over his stomach, feeling the hard swelling from the bruises, lingering panic from the day making him shudder.

"I would have been fine, Evan. Back the fuck off," Connor warned, his tone growing cold.

"What happened to everything you told me this past weekend?" Evan asked tentatively, pushing where he hadn't pushed before. "Y-y-you gave me your drugs and you said you were quitting and you saw your therapist and you seemed so. . . I don't know, serious about it? You seemed focused, like you cared. What changed?"

"I believe we call it 'none of your fucking business'," Connor replied flippantly.

"You know this isn't going to last, right? Zoe meant what she said on Monday."

"Of course she shared her cute little ultimatum with you. She doesn't mean it. Do you know how many of those she's given me before? She always caves." He crossed his arms and smirked at Evan.

"Do you take that as a victory?" Evan asked in disbelief. Connor's smirk faltered. "You like hurting her like that? You like taking all the love she has for you and throwing it away?" He felt his voice rising and his face reddening. He stopped and took a deep breath, realizing his heart was pounding too. "You act like it's a game. Like it's as enjoyable for her to watch you destroy your mind and body as it is for you to actually do it. But it's not."

"If Zoe doesn't want to get hurt, then she should mind her own fucking business. Same goes for you, pal." Connor's tone was icy. The boys stood there for a moment, glaring at each other. Evan could only hope his face didn't give away the fear roiling in the pit of his stomach. This was a stand-off. Connor's apathy vs his. . . what? Love? For Connor, or Zoe?

"What changed?" he asked. Connor just stared at him. "You wanted to hang out with us, and you started writing for the paper and sticking with therapy and then it just stopped. It's like you gave up. Why?"

Connor kept staring at him, his jaw locked shut, anger burning in his eyes. For a second, Evan thought he was going to cry, his chin giving a tell-tale wobble. The moment passed, and without a word, he brushed past Evan, knocking him aside and leaving him in the empty bathroom.

Evan stood there for a moment, shock paralyzing him. Then his thoughts began to race. With homecoming approaching and Zoe so excited and wanting everything to just be normal, he had to go and ruin it. What was he doing? He knew he got more anxious around Connor, knew it and challenged him anyways, opened himself up to be mocked and hurt and of course, like clockwork, he was having a panic attack as a result. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He felt all the blood rush to his head and his vision go blurry and tunnel-like, his heart speeding up to marathon speed. He started breathing more shallowly, desperately trying to catch air, a suddenly monumental task. Nausea clawed at his stomach, swirling and threatening to bring his cookie dough ice cream back up.

The door swung open to his right and he gripped the sink in front of him to stay upright, desperately trying to calm his breathing so the person coming in wouldn't think him strange.

"Dude, are you ok?" Shit. It was Jared. Evan tried to speak but couldn't, he didn't have enough air. He felt his heart palpitating. Was he having a heart attack? His left hand tingled, numb.

Jared put a hand on his shoulder and Evan flinched. "Hey Ev, I'm right here," Jared murmured. He put his hands on Evan's shoulders and helped him sit on the ground, right there in the bathroom

"Breathe with me Ev, just breathe. Don't try and talk, just breathe," Jared said, his tone serious for once. He held Evan's eyes with his and breathed with him, overexaggerating his breaths to give Evan something to match. He knew what he was doing too; even once Evan had stopped hyperventilating, Jared kept breathing for a few minutes after, knowing that normal breathing didn't mean the end of the attack. Once Evan was able to breathe normally, Jared took hold of his arms and squeezed, gently but firmly, whispering, "you're ok. Everything's ok. You're going to be fine." He continued a constant stream of whispered affirmations until Evan pulled away, wiping at his tear-stained cheeks.

"You ok?" Jared asked. Evan nodded. "If you want to talk about it later, let me know. If not that's cool too." Evan could only stare wordlessly as the boy rose from the floor, trying and failing to smooth his unbuttoned shirt before leaving, the door swinging closed slowly behind him. Faintly, Evan heard him say, "yeah he's fine, just needs a minute or two, I'm sure he'll be right out," to Alana and Zoe.

Shakily, Evan rose from the floor. He stood at the sink and looked at his face. He looked awful. His cheeks were tear-stained and his skin blotchy and red. He flipped the handle on the sink and splashed water on his face; it felt glacial compared to his overheated skin.

He patted his face dry with a paper towel and threw it away. He held his palms up in front of him, watching them shake. He took three deep breaths and walked out of the bathroom. Jared and Alana were gone. Zoe was still sitting in the booth, tapping at the table to some rhythm in her head. She looked up as Evan approached and smiled with relief.

"Hi," he said, hating the quivering still present in his voice.

"Hey you," she replied, still smiling. She rose and threw her arms around him, as if greeting a long-lost friend. He returned the hug, not letting go until she did.

"So, Connor apologized to me," Evan began as they walked out of the shop.

"He did?"

"Kind of. I think he felt bad about Wednesday, but I kind of got upset with him. About it. And you." Evan opened the door to the bug and folded into the seat.

"Oh. So that's why he stormed out."

"Essentially, yeah."

Zoe just sat there without turning the car on. Things had been a bit tense for the past two days as they dealt with the fallout from the orchard. Zoe had tended to Evan's wounds like she was his personal nurse, and they steadily avoided talking about Connor during that time, trying to hold out and have their homecoming. Now it seemed like the topic couldn't be avoided. Zoe started the car and backed out of the lot.

"It's like the old times again," Zoe finally broke the silence.

"Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

"Him. . . you know."

"Oh, like trying to kill himself again?" Zoe said it without emotion.

"Yeah."

"No. The fact that he at least tried to apologize to you shows he cares. And he has the newspaper. Half the nights he stays up I think it's because he's writing for it. Plus, I think he's planning on going to homecoming."

"Wait, what?" Evan asked in surprise.

"Yeah. I was in his room the other day, not prying or anything," Evan glanced at her and she smiled sheepishly. "Ok, definitely prying. I was looking for drugs. He made all these grandiose statements about quitting and giving away his drugs and then was high as a kite three days later, what was I supposed to do? Anyways, I was in his room and I found a tux. It was set out and in a garment bag and everything. So I think he's planning on going."

"And that means he won't kill himself?"

"Pretty much. He never had anything like this before. We always figured he would get away with it if he killed himself because he never left his room anyways. We probably wouldn't have even missed him for two or three days. Which would obviously be too late."

"So how did you find him last time?" Evan asked quietly. Zoe pulled into the parking lot as she replied.

"Freak chance. I was mad about something and I stormed into his room." They sat there in silence for a while, looking out the dash at the florist's shop in front of them. It was time to pick up their corsages and boutonnieres for the dance, but now the mood was a bit too somber to lightly go about business as usual. Zoe killed the engine.

"I'm thinking some bad things, Ev." She bit her lip.

"Like what?" Evan turned to her, reaching out and taking her hand. She let him, still not looking at him, as if she were afraid to meet his eyes.

"I want him gone," she finally whispered.

"Zoe, that's ok. You're allowed to want that." Evan flashed back to Connor saying she shouldn't care as much.

"No, I can't. I shouldn't. He's made all this effort to get better and I was so for it but it's just hard and he doesn't make it any easier with all this," she gestured uselessly at the air around them, "and I want him gone. I'm tired of lying for him and I'm tired of worrying and stressing and caring when he so clearly doesn't. I can't care for him. It's just impossible and I'm sick and tired of feeling like this and as much as I say I do, I don't understand why he can't just stop doing all this stupid shit. Like I try to understand mental illness and how hard it can be, I really do, but I don't understand why he gives up so much, why he numbs it and gives in and lets it have him instead of fighting and trying and giving it his all. And I know I'm awful for saying that, I really do, but I'm just tired." A sob choked her throat as she finished speaking, welling up from under all the frustration and pain. Evan could only rub his thumb in circles on the back of her hand.

"I know it's hard," Evan began. He flashed back to the conversation in the bathroom, Connor's vindictive anger and apathetic attitude for his own sister. Evan tried to see it as lashing out, as a call for help, as anything other than cold, narcissistic hatred. He just couldn't. "He said some really awful things, Zoe." He looked down at where their hands met, where she now squeezed his hand back.

"Like what?" she prompted, sniffling.

"Just. . . some bad things. About us. Wanting us to like, leave him alone and mind our own business and how you won't follow through with the ultimatum." Evan looked down at his lap as he spoke, afraid to meet Zoe's eyes. He hated doing this. It felt like tattling on her brother.

"I'm not surprised. I used to do it before. Back out, I mean."

"Why?" Evan asked. Zoe looked up and out the windshield. She suddenly seemed like she was very far away, living in the memories for a moment.

"He threatened to kill me once. I think he meant it too. At the time." She kept looking out the window. Evan stayed silent, speechless. "And he burned Mama Bear. She was my childhood teddy bear. The one I got from the hospital when I was born. She was purple, and she had a green ribbon around her neck and I slept with her every night and her ears were completely threadbare because my dad told me to tug on them when I was afraid of the dark. I know it's dumb. When I was thirteen Connor burned her. For no reason. He lit a fire downstairs and came up to my room and took her and by the time I got home she was practically ashes," Zoe's voice thickened again, struggling with the tears. She collected herself for a few moments. Evan just looked at her, continuing his pattern of circles with his thumb.

"Don't ask me why the teddy bear thing sticks with me," she murmured. "He's done so many fucked up things, but that one still makes me cry, even now, like four years later. Sometimes when I think back I'm even surprised at myself for forgiving him. For all of it, I mean, not just Mama Bear. I never followed through with my ultimatums because I was always afraid my mom wouldn't believe me and then he'd stick around and make me pay for whatever I said. But I'm not doing this again. I can't." The sobs grabbed her again and she let them.

Evan leaned across the tiny console of the bug and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. Time seemed to stop. Or did it speed up? Somehow, it felt like they had entered a blip in the universe, a little wormhole saved just for them and the heat between them and the smell of cucumbers and deodorant and maybe the salt of a few tears.

When they finally separated, the wormhole returned them to the little powder blue bug in front of the florist shop, on a grey October day, somehow still worrying about a boy who didn't want to be worried about.


	27. Chapter 27

Evan knocked on the door quietly. He waited for a minute, then knocked again, a little louder. Was Jared mad at him for the panic attack yesterday? Evan had never texted him and thanked him for helping out; was he supposed to do that? He didn't know the protocol—was there protocol? He second guessed himself to the point where he was getting ready to walk away when the door flew open behind him.

"Where are you going?" Jared stood there in a white terrycloth bathrobe, looking perplexed.

"Oh, uh, I was just, ya know. . ." Evan faded out, doing a doubletake at the boy in front of him wearing a robe.

"Yeah ok," Jared quickly shook off the confusion, ignoring Evan's dumbfounded look. "I have a gift for you," he said smugly, reaching his hand into the pocket of his robe. He pulled out a purple box and tossed it to Evan, who fumbled before catching it awkwardly. Evan held it up and read: Trojan Pleasure Pack. He quickly looked around, his face reddening as he dumped it into the tote bag by his feet.

"I'd almost forgotten about that," he mumbled, shuffling the bag a bit so the box fell out of sight.

"Don't even think about forgetting it. I'm looking forward to a full report. Sans pregnancy scare, courtesy of yours truly. I got you a twelve pack and there's a variety of types in there, some for your pleasure and some for hers, ya feel me? Explore. Find yourself. Live your wildest dreams." Evan grew redder and redder as Jared spoke, trying to muster up some anger but instead letting a shame-faced smile surface. "That's my boy!" Jared hooted, reaching out and smacking Evan good-naturedly on the shoulder.

They were supposed to get ready for homecoming together. What that meant, Evan had no idea. He had brought his tux to change into and some clothes for after—he had no idea why Jared was in a robe. He had told his mom that he was spending the night at Jared's, but the real plan was just to hang out there for a while after the dance and then head back to the Murphy's to sleep. Among other things. Maybe.

Jared headed back to his room and Evan followed, carrying his bags. Once there, Jared sat at his desk and pulled out a little vanity mirror, inspecting his complexion.

"Think I need to shave?" he asked, squinting to catch his jaw at certain angles.

"Uhh, have you ever shaved before?" Evan asked, looking dubiously at Jared's baby-soft face.

"Of course," Jared replied, like it was obvious. "I'm gonna do it. Be right back."

Evan sat on Jared's bed and pulled his phone out.

**Evan Hansen: How goes getting ready?**

**Zoe Murphy: I forgot how much effort primping is. Is it bad my arm got sore from holding a blow dryer?**

**Evan Hansen: I'm not judging. I just got here and Jared's pretending he needs to shave. He's also wearing a robe.**

**Zoe Murphy: Of course he is. And what about you, mister, are you shaving?**

**Evan Hansen: I did this morning. What else am I supposed to do to get ready? Like I put on deodorant, what else is there?**

**Zoe Murphy: Ugh I'm jealous. I'm already two hours in and I've just started makeup. You guys are lucky you have so little to do**

**Evan Hansen: two hours?!**

**Zoe Murphy: Do not get me started.**

**Zoe Murphy: Also one Connor thing and then we're not talking about him again, ok?**

**Evan Hansen: ok**

**Zoe Murphy: He slipped a note under my door this morning that just said sorry.**

**Evan Hansen: Wow. You ok?**

**Zoe Murphy: Yeah. I just want to have fun tonight, no matter what. We're just high schoolers going to a dance and I want to feel like a princess. Sound good?**

**Evan Hansen: Sounds great. Cannot wait to see you. And your dress. But mostly you.**

**Zoe Murphy: ;)**

Evan slipped his phone back into his pocket and thought dreamily about seeing Zoe in her dress, about walking her in to the school on his arm and watching her dance and having her smile at him… he tried to stop himself from thinking about after. About Zoe not in the dress. Later, Hansen.

"No wet dreams on my bed dude, house rule." Jared walked back into the room and Evan wiped the dreamy half-smile off his face. Jared's cheeks were patched with red and looked irritated.

"How did shaving go?" Evan asked wryly. Jared scowled at him and Evan could only snort in laughter. Suddenly, they both heard a knock at the front door. Jared looked at Evan in question and Evan just shrugged. Jared's dad and mom were in the city having a day out, they were supposed to meet all the kids at the restaurant to take pictures, but not for another hour. Evan followed Jared to the front door and stood a ways back as he opened it.

Connor stood there, a garment bag slung over his shoulder. Evan flashed back to the weekend before, to Connor showing up at his door on Saturday looking like death slightly warmed up. He looked much better now: his hair was combed back into a high pony tail and his nails painted a fresh coat of black, no chips in sight. Even the circles under his eyes looked lighter, more yellow than purple. Jared stepped back and out of the way, leaving the space between Evan and Connor open, knowing they had business to sort out. They stood there and looked at each other for a minute, just taking each other in.

"Hey," Evan finally broke the silence.

"Hey," Connor replied. His voice was tense.

"You getting ready with us?" Evan asked.

"If it's cool, yeah."

"Cool," Evan replied, turning and heading back to Jared's room. Jared took that as his cue to follow, with Connor not far behind. Once back in the room, Evan plopped down on the bed again, where just moments before he had been fantasizing about Connor's sister. He gulped.

Jared sat back down at his desk and examined his face again, the rash from shaving still not calmed down. Connor stood just inside the doorway, looking like he didn't know what to do with himself.

"How about some music?" Jared pulled out a Bluetooth speaker and set it on his desk, scrolling through Spotify on his phone. After another awkward minute, a Lil Dicky song started playing, something about an appointment with Snoop Dogg. Evan rolled his eyes at Connor and the boy gave a hesitant smile back. Jared started rapping along, showing a remarkable amount of talent despite the humorous lyrics. Evan patted the bed next to him and Connor sat a safe distance away. They browsed in silence on their phones while Jared continued to primp and rap. At one point he went and ransacked his mom's bathroom for some moisturizer, bringing it back and slathering on way too much, trying to calm the redness from shaving. Connor guffawed, telling him he smelled like coconuts. Jared didn't seem to care, clearly enjoying his self-care ritual, no matter how strange it was for a seventeen-year-old boy to be doing.

When the limo was fifteen minutes away—Jared had insisted on a limo and paid Evan's share for it when he protested—Evan pulled his garment bag across the bed and headed to the bathroom to change.

"You can change in here, dude," Jared called out as he left. "We won't peak—or at least I won't," he chuckled and looked at Connor for a response, expecting the banter they usually traded. Connor froze for a moment. Then he laughed awkwardly, not his normal bellow. Jared didn't seem to notice anything strange about it, but Evan couldn't help his eyes from flitting over to Connor, whose face reddened. He caught Evan looking at him and smoothed his features, wiping away any hint of vulnerability. Evan left before he could give anything else away, not responding to Jared.

He had picked out a classic tuxedo, with a silk lapel that stood out against the smooth black fabric beneath. The pants were narrow legged; he had tried the more classic fit, but his legs were too skinny. He pulled out the pale pink bow tie and looked at it for a moment before realizing he had no idea how to tie it. He draped it around his neck and left it untied as he walked back into Jared's room.

Inside, Connor was just pulling his jacket onto his shoulders. He glanced up at Evan's arrival and his face reddened a bit, but he didn't say anything. Jared's comment—not necessarily homophobic but not necessarily the most inclusive either—had doubled the awkwardness. Jared just had his shirt on, the shirttails hanging around his legs as he wrestled with getting his pants off the hanger.

Connor's suit was completely velvet, a deep maroon color. Evan was surprised, but looking at Connor smooth the jacket over his lanky frame, he realized how perfect it was. It fit just right and set off the black accents he wore with it. Damn. Evan knew nothing about style, but looking at Connor, he thought that the boy could easily pass for a model. Especially with the long hair and his skinny frame: he had an air of distinction about him. Connor turned and caught Evan looking, then blushed. Evan looked away quickly, uncomfortable.

Jared's suit was much more classic; the typical homecoming get-up. He had insisted on buying pants that were a little too large because he didn't like how the ones in his size fit on his butt. As a result, he had to cinch his belt way tight and there was a weird ripple in the back where the fabric bunched. Jared caught Evan looking at it and shrugged. "The jacket will cover it," he assured him. Evan smiled at both the boys. Despite the awkwardness, it was going to be a fun night.

"Do you know how to tie a bowtie?" he asked Jared. Jared shook his head no, gesturing to the tie hanging loosely around his neck.

"I do," Connor said. Evan looked and realized that Connor was tightening his own bowtie as he spoke, a crisp black one. Of course.

"Oh uh, could you tell me how?" he asked. Jared's phone buzzed, and he looked at the screen.

"Limo's here! Hustle gentlemen, we gotta split."

"Here, I'll just do it for you," Connor said to Evan. He walked up and reached out for the loose ends of the bowtie. Evan flinched, but held himself in place, praying Connor hadn't noticed. If he had, he didn't let on. He fiddled with the parts of the bowtie, getting the knot in place around Evan's neck. Evan tried to breathe regularly as he felt it tighten, settling in against his throat. He remembered how Connor had smelled last weekend; chemically and harsh and wrong. Now, he smelled like soap and aftershave. Somehow that thought triggered the telltale quickening of Evan's heart. He felt himself grow dizzy with Connor so near, all the nerves he was trying to suppress coming to the surface with such proximity. Thankfully, it didn't take too long. With a final tug, Connor straightened the loops and stepped back.

"There," he said, gesturing to the little vanity mirror on Jared's desk. Evan stepped over and looked. It was tied perfectly, the light pink standing out just enough against his white shirt and accentuating the flush in his cheeks.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"Ok boys, let's go! I'll grab the corsages!" Jared and Connor stepped out the door; Jared held it open, waiting for Evan.

"Just one second, I forgot cologne. I'll be right there," Evan promised him.

"Hurry, Hansen!"

Evan quickly went over to his tote bag and pulled out a small bottle of cologne his mom had gotten him for his last birthday. It was pine-scented, but not the obnoxious artificial car-scent kind. He spritzed the bottle once on his neck and breathed in deeply: fresh, light, and woodsy in just the way he liked.

He glanced back at the door quickly and reached back into his bag, replacing the cologne and fishing around until his hand closed on the box of condoms. He opened it inside the bag, too afraid to take it out, and grabbed a sheaf of little plastic packages. He started to pull out his wallet, then thought better of it: he would need that to pay for dinner at the restaurant, and he didn't want everybody seeing he had condoms inside. He slipped them into the hidden pocket inside his tux jacket instead, where they lay flat against his chest. Just in case.

He shoved the box back inside the bag and headed out to join the boys in the limo, heart pounding, but this time in just the right kind of way.

* * *

Zoe's hand wobbled a little as she stroked the mascara over her lashes delicately, trying not to make any of them clump together. Thankfully she didn't smear any of it on her eyelid, and she blinked her eyes quickly to try and spread the coat evenly. Alana was placing fake lashes along her own, lip syncing to Beyoncé. Zoe didn't trust herself enough to even try fake lashes, just curling her own and adding a coat or two of mascara.

She set the wand down and peered at herself in her small magnification mirror. Alana had brought another chair into her bedroom and Zoe had brought her own mirror from home so they could get ready together. Now they both sat next to each other at Alana's immensely large desk, each putting the finishing touches on their makeup.

Zoe's skin looked like porcelain next to the pale pink of her dress. A dusting of blush around her cheeks and a clear gloss on her lips illuminated her features. She had no idea how to do eye shadow, so she had tried to just sprinkle a light shimmery color on her lids. Alana had gotten on her case about that—despite never wearing makeup to school, she had apparently extensively researched different makeup tutorials on YouTube—and had insisted on applying a natural smoky eye to Zoe's lids. Zoe had agreed easily enough, and she had to admit; it looked pretty good. A light taupe color in her crease added depth to her eyes, while the original shimmer she had wanted was still there, sparkling as it caught the light. She had put some powder on to fill out her brows too, and used a light brown eyeliner as well—again at Alana's insistence. Overall, she liked the way she looked: maybe not as done up as others would be, but enough for her. She had braided her hair on one side and coiled it up behind her, sticking bobby pins in it until it stayed in place and didn't feel at risk of coming out. The result was a messy up-do that the light hit at every different angle, showing off her hair's natural highlights and exposing her neck.

Alana had gone in another direction with her makeup: bold and bright and setting off her dress in all the right ways. Her lashes looked insane with the additions, and she winged her eyeliner out, matching the much darker smoky eye she'd gone with. She had pulled her hair up as well, into an elegant high pony, her braids settling perfectly against her head for it. She began pulling on her heels as Zoe fussed in the mirror, trying to pull her baby hairs away from her face.

"The boys are supposed to be here in ten minutes, are you ready?" Alana asked excitedly. Sure, they had been there for forever, but with champagne flutes of sparkling cider and good music playing in the background, getting ready together had been downright fun. Zoe often took for granted Alana's chatterbox presence, but today she was immensely grateful for the solid amount of girl time they had had to decompress and just be normal.

"Yeah, I'm pretty much there," Zoe replied. She turned off the light on her magnification mirror, satisfied with her make-up, and began pulling on her heels as well. She lifted her bottle of perfume and spritzed a bit on her wrists, gently rubbing them together to distribute the scent—peonies and citrus and vanilla. One more spritz high on her neck and she was good to go. She stood and smoothed out her dress, walking over to Alana's mirror and taking in the look. Yeah, she could work with this. Alana wolf-whistled behind her and Zoe couldn't help but laugh.

"Damn we look good!" Alana hooted, checking herself out behind Zoe in the mirror. They really did. The doorbell rang and the girls squealed together. Their dates had arrived.

They listened eagerly as Alana's dad opened the door downstairs. His booming voice rang out and Alana couldn't help but giggle. "He's going to scare the shit out of Jared," she whispered to Zoe, who giggled back. They waited in anticipation until they heard Alana's dad call them.

Alana had a house like the Murphy's, with a beautiful circular staircase around a high-ceilinged foyer. The girls walked out together, Zoe following Alana down the hall to the staircase.

As she emerged, she saw the boys standing below. When she saw Connor, she was taken aback for a moment; she hadn't known he was planning on joining them. None of that seemed to matter however, once her eyes found Evan.

He stood there, jaw dropped, eyes wide, staring straight at her. She couldn't help it as a breathless smile came to her face—both at seeing him, and at seeing his reaction to seeing her. His suit fit so perfectly, and he had worn a bowtie! It was the exact same color as her dress, perfectly corny and just so. . . Evan. His hair was combed up and gelled and the smile on his face was just indescribable. . . she knew she was supposed to walk down the stairs elegantly, but she couldn't help herself, quickly stepping down, half-jogging to pass Alana. He didn't seem to mind, so blown away by her appearance.

She reached the bottom of the stairs and threw her arms around him. He picked her up and swung her around in a circle, setting her back on her feet and leaning in for a long kiss. She reciprocated in earnest, ignoring everybody around them, letting herself relish the perfect moment, even if it ruined her lip gloss. Faintly, she heard Connor cough in the background, but she ignored it. Evan pulled away after a moment—too soon for her taste—and just looked at her once more, smiling abashedly as he wiped the sticky gloss from his lips.

"Wow," was all he said. She smiled so widely her cheeks hurt. She hadn't known it was possible to feel this happy.

"Ok lovebirds, let's get some pictures for Alana's parents before we go," Jared scolded them sarcastically, a smile gracing his face too. Alana was blushing as well, though in her moment with Evan Zoe hadn't noticed how they'd greeted each other.

"Jared's right you hooligans, I want some pictures before you all head out!" Alana's dad held up a camera pointedly. "First, let's do boutonnieres and corsages. Sound good?" Alana went to the kitchen quickly to grab the boutonnieres from the fridge; Zoe had started gazing at Evan again and they had totally tuned out. In the past week they'd been so busy dealing with all the drama, they'd barely taken a moment for just themselves. Tonight was going to be that moment.

Alana's mom joined them as Alana came back with the boutonnieres and the picture session began in earnest. Zoe and Evan hadn't let each other see the flowers they bought for each other, even though they'd picked them up at the same time. They wanted every part of it to be a surprise, no matter how cliché it seemed.

The cameras clicked away as Zoe pulled the boutonniere from the box, showing it to Evan before pulling the pins out to fasten it to his lapel. She had custom designed it with the florist: a pink rose with a mini pine bough behind it and some white baby's breath framing it to bring it all together. He noticed the pine and smiled at her, watching her grin knowingly. A tree bouquet for her tree-loving boyfriend. Of course she would know the perfect combo to get.

"Now you have an actual pine to match your cologne," Zoe whispered to him as she focused on not stabbing him with the pins. "Which is lovely, by the way. It's perfect for you." He smiled back and leaned in for a quick kiss when she finished pinning it. She kissed him back, the cameras flashing in the background, capturing every perfect second.

Evan pulled out the box with Zoe's corsage in it and showed it to her. She didn't think her smile could get any wider, but it most definitely did: the corsage was a cluster of pale pink roses with a smattering of baby's breath, all tied together with a gold ribbon. It matched the one she got for him exactly. He slid it into her wrist and then they kissed again, completely absorbed in each other and the moment.

With a subtle cough as their cue, they pulled apart and let Jared and Alana into their spot—the lighting for pictures was best there, Alana's dad claimed. Jared pulled out his corsage for Alana and slid it onto her wrist. She smiled and admired it at several angles; a dark red rose with white baby's breath, the perfect compliment to her deep emerald dress. She had gotten a similarly dark red rose for his boutonniere, and she fastened it to his lapel with incredible efficiency. They smiled for pictures with Alana's dad awkwardly, Jared placing his arm gingerly around her waist.

"Ok, time for group shots!" Alana's dad announced.

"Wait, I have something else too!" Alana interrupted as everybody began walking to the staircase. "Connor, I know you weren't sure you were going, but I wanted to get you a boutonniere just in case you decided to," she walked over to the table with the empty boutonniere and corsage boxes, pulling one out from the bottom that nobody had noticed. She opened the box and pulled out a single black rose, framed perfectly by three green leaves and one little stem of baby's breath. Connor stood there for a moment, as if he didn't know what to do. Alana beckoned him over and he walked to her, his usual saunter suddenly unsure.

With the same precision as before, Alana fastened the rose to his maroon lapel, adjusting it once before stepping back.

"I didn't know what you would wear, but I figured black was kind of your color," she stated hesitantly. Connor looked down at the rose and then back up at her, a small smile widening across his face—genuine.

"Thanks Alana. That was really cool," he mumbled quietly. She just smiled back. Zoe and Evan looked at Jared nervously, not knowing how he would take his date buying a boutonniere for another boy, but he just smiled too; appreciating it as a kind gesture and nothing romantic. Alana's dad broke in and ushered them over to the staircase.

"I know you have a dinner reservation and Jared's parents will want to take more pictures there, so let's get this show on the road! We don't want to keep your nice limo driver waiting."

He began directing them to different positions on the stairs, posing them accordingly. Connor tried to step out multiple times, but every time he did they heckled him until he returned, posing begrudgingly between the couples for every shot. After the group shots, they rotated through, doing couple and smaller group photos. At one point Alana's dad insisted on a sibling photo, and Zoe and Connor awkwardly stood next to each other, not touching each other as they looked at the camera. They were at an awkward stalemate, with so much unsaid between them. Evan was grateful Connor had slipped that note beneath Zoe's door. He likely wasn't sorry at all, but the note meant he was trying: he wanted Zoe to have her perfect homecoming after all.

After what felt like a century of picture-taking, Alana's parents ushered them out the door, shouting warnings about drinking and bad behavior and not going too crazy. They all piled into the limo and let the driver play top forty pop music while they drove to the nice restaurant downtown.

Zoe snuggled into Evan's side and he wrapped his arm around her, smelling her perfume and the product in her hair and just marveling in how perfect she was. Did she even realize? He reminded himself to tell her later.

Alana and Jared sat next to each other as well, their legs just brushing each other gently, both studiously ignoring that fact. Connor sat next to them on the long side of the limo, munching on the free snacks and discussing possibilities for the paper intently with Alana while Jared listened. With Evan's arm around her, breathing in the fresh scent of pines, Zoe smiled at the scene in front of her. The perfect, normal homecoming, exactly as she wanted.


	28. Chapter 28

Evan smiled as Zoe shrieked in excitement. The speakers set out around the gym had just started playing the opening notes of Gold Digger by Kanye West, and Zoe was tugging Alana out to the floor with her to dance.

Evan had completely forgotten during the week to talk about the dance itself with Zoe, about how he didn't want to be pressured to try and dance and how uncomfortable it made him, and how he'd prefer to just watch. Walking in and watching her run off to join the throbbing crowd on the dance floor he had been afraid that she would try and pull him with her. He should have known better than to doubt her though. She hadn't asked him once to dance with her or the group, splitting her time between grooving on the floor with different friends and coming and sitting next to Evan, checking in with him, pecking him on the cheek and then flitting off for the next song.

He was eternally surprised by how many friends she seemed to have—at every turn somebody else was grabbing her elbow and saying hello and complimenting her on her dress. Evan frequently forgot how popular his girlfriend was; a good thing too, since just watching her socialize with so many people put him on edge. But then she'd reappear next to him, laying her head on his shoulder for a moment to rest, giving him a lingering kiss, assuring him and loving him and making him feel included before bouncing off once more.

He was more than content to sit and sip on ginger ale and take in the festive space: the balloon columns surrounding him and brightly colored streamers criss-crossing the air above his head. Enough people were chilling off to the sides of the dance floor that he didn't feel alone, and from his vantage point he could watch Zoe and Alana get down to the Kanye song, rapping along to lyrics that would never come close to describing their lives. As the song ended, an Ed Sheeran song ramped up—the first slow dance of the evening.

Evan gulped and stood, smoothing down his pant legs. He had promised himself he would dance with his girlfriend, even if just once. Half to prove to himself that he could and half because he still—deep down inside—wished he could be the type of person to mingle and socialize and make small talk easily, just like her. One slow dance didn't make him that person, but it allowed him for a second to think that maybe he could be. Perhaps it would never happen, but with Zoe in his life, it didn't feel quite impossible.

He took another deep breath and there she was in front of him, holding her hand out with a twinkle in her eye. He took it and led her out to a spot near the edge of the dance floor, where they could mix comfortably into the crowd without getting jostled. Spotlights mounted on the ceiling whirled around lazily, making the whole floor glow in the darkened room.

He put his arms around her waist and snugged her close; she had no issue pressing her body against his under the watchful eye of the chaperones. With her heels on, her head came to rest more comfortably on his shoulder. He was fine with this, leaning his head against hers and smiling contentedly. She still smelled like cucumbers, but also hairspray, and a citrusy sweet perfume as well. Together they swayed slowly to the music, and he could feel her cheeks move as she sang along.

When the chorus started she pulled her head away and crooned to him with a small smile, meeting his eyes in a way that somehow managed to give him butterflies again. Two months ago, this girl had been a stranger that he had thought he was in love with. He hadn't even known what love was back then, some pale sort of obsession. Now he understood.

He felt tears choking his throat as he gazed at her; a tiny smudge of mascara under one eye, cheeks rosy and baby hairs framing her face.  _Damn_. She reached a hand up and cupped his face gently, her eyes reflecting everything he knew his were showing. Just like their first kiss, they met in the middle, neither able to tell if they had leaned or not, a magnet seeming to pull them together. They stopped swaying to the music, the world around them fading out as electricity crackled between them. Zoe's hand on his back pulled him closer and Evan complied, seeming to melt into her.

A hoot interrupted their moment and they broke apart suddenly. A different song was playing, the slow dance having ended. People surrounded them, laughing and smiling indulgently at the couple lost in space. Evan felt his cheeks flame red. Zoe squeezed his hand and bowed dramatically next to him, thanking their audience, who clapped sarcastically in return. She turned and winked at him before pulling him off the floor and back to the table he had occupied before. He knew he was positively glowing—she chose him, time and time again, even with everybody watching. It was impossible to feel invisible with Zoe Murphy in your life.

She sat on one of the plastic chairs and he sat next to her, scooting her chair close until she could lean her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her and tapped along to the beat of the song on her arm. His form of dancing. The dance had been…  _fun_? He never thought he would say that about something so public and exposing, but it was true. He turned and kissed the top of Zoe's head quickly and she smiled at him, wrinkling her nose endearingly.

Across the room, they watched Alana walk up to Connor at the punch table. He had been hanging out on the edges of the dance all night, occasionally coming and sitting with Evan in silence before getting up and walking around some more, ahis circuitous route always leading him back to the punch table.

Alana poured herself a cup of punch from the bowl and started talking animatedly to Connor. He smiled and replied, seemingly happy. Whatever Alana said next was clearly a question; she tilted her head to the side and looked at Connor searchingly as she spoke. Zoe and Evan watched from afar as Connor froze, his mouth in a silent 'oh', his eyebrows raised. The next expression on his face was entirely too familiar to them: angry, hostile hatred. They watched Connor say something spiteful, his lip curling in disgust, punctuating the words, which seemed to hit Alana with force; she took a step back in surprise as he spun and stalked off, leaving her behind. She stayed frozen for a moment, then turned and looked directly at Evan and Zoe, her face a picture of horror. After a moment, she turned and almost ran the other way, towards the bathrooms.

Zoe and Evan turned simultaneously to look at each other.  _Oh fuck,_  they silently exchanged.

"I've got Connor, you've got Alana?" Evan murmured quietly.

"Yeah. Meet back here after. Remember tonight is supposed to be ours," Zoe was all business, her eyes following poor Alana as the girl ran towards the lady's room. Zoe stood and sped after her. Evan took his time following Connor. He was in no rush to find out what was happening.

The hallway away from the dance was eerily quiet; the reverb from the bass was all that could be heard of the music. Connor was sitting halfway down the hallway against some lockers, just looking at his feet. Evan approached him in the dark; Connor turned and looked at him when he was about ten feet away. Evan was surprised to see his face was streaked with tears. Connor hastily wiped at his face, trying to hide it.

"It's ok to cry," Evan mumbled quietly, sliding down the lockers next to the boy. Connor ignored him, furiously trying to wipe all the evidence from his face. He couldn't stop though, and he hiccupped as he tried to keep another sob down. Evan smiled slightly in the dark hallway, not expecting the high-pitched noise from the boy.

"Does everybody know?" Connor asked, his words thick.

"Know what?" Evan asked.

"That I'm. . . you know."

"Gay?" Evan asked. Connor just nodded. Evan sat for a moment, not sure what to say. Alana must have figured it out on her own somehow. And yeah, he did know, but he only knew because Zoe had told him, and if he told Connor that, then he would only hate Zoe more than he already did.

"Well?" Connor asked.

"No. Not everybody." Evan finally replied.

"Did you?" Connor asked tentatively. Evan hesitated again. No use lying.

"Yeah. I did." He replied simply.

"She fucking told you, didn't she?" Connor snarled.

"No, she actually didn't," Evan stated defensively. She totally had, but Connor really didn't need to know that. "I kind of guessed. She never actually confirmed it one way or the other, I just assumed I was right." Evan turned and looked at Connor. His eyes were dry now, the same steely hatred back. "It's ok. You know that, right? To be gay, I mean."

"I know what you meant," Connor snarled. Evan fell silent and Connor turned to look at him, almost apologetic. "It's just that it's not. You don't understand it, living with your liberal-ass mother. You could spring anything on her and she would be excited that you were 'finding yourself' or some shit. It's not like that in my house."

"Zoe told me about your dad."

"Really?" Connor asked sarcastically. "What did she tell you?"

"Well, she said your dad is a homophobe," Evan started weakly. He could tell from the way that Connor grinned—an empty, sarcastic smile—that he wasn't even close.

"That's it?" Connor asked. Evan nodded.

"Did she tell you about how whenever I was sad or scared and would start crying he would take me to his room and bend me over his knee and tell me I needed to be strong because I was a boy, and that he would toughen me up? Did she tell you how he didn't let me dance? My mom used to take me with to Zoe's gymnastics and ballet lessons and I loved it, I always used to make her practice with me after and when my mom suggested that I join the class my dad threw an absolute hissy fit, said it was inappropriate and I just needed to find the right sport. He used to try and take away my sketch books too, said drawing was a girly thing to do. Zoe printed out some Picasso's and Monet's and Van Gogh's and put them on his desk one day, ya know, trying to show him that boys could do art too. He dropped that one. Not the others though. And he always made me feel like shit for doing it. That man's glare weighs a ton." Connor laughed grimly.

"It seems so ironic, right? So pathetic. Like so what, daddy wouldn't let me do art, wah wah, go cry about it—"

"It doesn't sound like that," Evan interrupted quietly. "He didn't let you be yourself. He never has. And he won't now."

"It's not just that. Everything he never wanted me to be, I am."

"I get it," Evan reassured him.

"No you don't," Connor scoffed, turning and looking at Evan in disbelief. "You don't even have a dad. Don't try and relate." Connor looked at him with such scorn that Evan couldn't even bring himself to be intimidated. Connor was looking at him like he was a complete stranger. Evan had no idea what to say, so he just sat there. Connor stood up and dusted his butt off.

"I'm going to go for a walk. Please for the love of all that is holy, do not try and come after me. And please tell my sister that exact same thing. I do not want to be found. I'll be home tomorrow." Connor looked at Evan as he spoke, his voice calm and serious. Evan just looked up at him, lost for words. He just couldn't reach the boy, couldn't make him see that he wasn't alone, no matter how he tried.

Connor stood there for a moment in his maroon suit and black boutonniere, the most wretched look on his face. He seemed like he wanted Evan to say something, to broach the silence somehow. Evan had no idea how though; his mind was spinning. Connor's chin wobbled, and he turned and stalked away before another tear could fall.

Evan watched the boy walk away and turn the corner of the hallway, leaving Evan there alone. After a moment he stood and walked back to the dance. All this time he had spent agonizing over what Connor thought of him and how to make him feel better, all for nothing. The boy was his own worst enemy, and trying to get between him and his self-loathing was a recipe for disaster.

Zoe was sitting at the table with Alana. They were both laughing, seemingly at ease. When they saw Evan approaching their faces turned sober.

"So?" Zoe asked before he had even sat down.

"He's ok," Evan replied, glancing at Alana unsurely. Did she actually know? Connor had never explicitly said so.

"I'm so sorry," Alana gushed. "I had no idea it was so sensitive, I just read his last poem and it seemed so obvious I figured it was him coming out or something. I went up to him and started talking about QSA—you know I'm the secretary of our school's QSA, even though I'm not gay, just an ally. I asked if he was going to join and he seemed so confused, so I said since he was out and all that now he totally could. I didn't know he wasn't out, I thought the poem was just confirmation and all that," she babbled on, but Evan sighed with relief. What he had said must have helped then, confirming to Connor that not everybody knew his secret. As far as Connor knew, it was just Zoe, Evan, and Alana. Much better than the whole school. He would still need to deal with the dad stuff, but after that it was just do-gooder Alana, so eager to help she ended up hurting instead.

"Well?" Alana asked expectantly. Evan tuned back in, realizing she had asked a question.

"Sorry, what?" he asked.

"Is he ok? Where is he?" Alana looked around, unable to find him.

"He's fine. I think he was a bit shaken that he thought everybody knew. I told him people didn't and he seemed a bit better," the white lie slid out easily enough. Connor was clearly upset, but he had seemed calm and put together when he left. "He went on a walk to clear his head and told me to tell you guys that he's fine and doesn't want us to come after him. I think he may have had his fill of homecoming."

Alana sighed as if in relief, but Zoe still looked worried. Another slow song started, and Alana perked up, scanning the room for Jared, who was by the snack bar shoving tortilla chips loaded with salsa into his mouth. He dusted his hands quickly when he saw Alana looking for him and walked over, chewing hastily. They accompanied each other out onto the floor, but Zoe and Evan stayed seated.

"Is he actually ok?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah I think so. He told me some more stuff about your dad," Evan began hesitantly. Zoe sighed and looked down at her corsage, stroking a finger over one of the rosebuds.

"Oh."

"He explicitly said he'd be home tomorrow and to not worry about him," Evan began. He could tell it wasn't enough to soothe her worries. "I'll ask Jared to text him and ask him over or something. So we at least know where he is."

"If he accepts."

"I have a feeling he doesn't want to be alone right now," Evan responded. He reached out and squeezed Zoe's hand, trying to imbue her with calm. He didn't want this to ruin the night.

When the song ended, Jared and Alana walked back over to the table and sat down. Alana took Zoe's hand and smiled at her, pulling her up and away to the bathroom excitedly.

"Weren't they just there?" Jared scoffed, though his eyes were just as excited as hers.

"It's a girl thing, I guess," Evan replied. "Hey Jared, could you do me a favor?"

"What's up man?"

"Would you mind texting Connor and asking him to sleep over?"

"Want the house all to yourself tonight?" Jared raised an eyebrow at Evan suggestively.

"No not—actually yeah, sure. You could say that." It didn't seem too important to Evan that Jared know the truth, just so long as he asked Connor.

"Yeah sure man. I got you. Though I should say no, considering how things are going for me tonight. I might need a house alone too, if you catch my drift," Evan just stared at him, not comprehending. "Dude, I kissed Alana," Jared clarified patiently.

"Oh! Congrats!" he tried to muster up the enthusiasm he knew he should have for the occasion.

"There's the excitement I was hoping for," Jared grinned at Evan, somehow always ok with having to prompt the reactions he wanted. "It was like, for a whole ten seconds too. I counted," he gloated. Evan facepalmed and Jared chuckled while pulling his phone out to text Connor.

The girls came back—the bathroom conference must have been for Alana to tell Zoe about the kiss—and Evan could see Zoe trying hard to muster the correct amount of enthusiasm for the dance.

"He's in!" Jared exclaimed, turning his phone to show Evan Connor's text. Evan didn't even look, just watching the smile on Zoe's face relax a little bit, thankful. Connor was taken care of; their night was their own once more.

The macarena came on and Evan let Alana and Zoe drag him to the floor indulgently, so much relief coursing through his system a dance felt like no big deal. Plus the macarena was easy enough that even he could follow along without embarrassing himself. He did the motions quietly, watching his friends show off and laugh and allowing himself to revel with them, to enjoy the night the way he knew he should, watching Jared do ridiculously wide hip circles and Zoe and Alana add body rolls in places they clearly did not fit.

Evan felt worry for Connor roiling in his stomach, the image of his tear-stained face imprinted on his mind. He did his best to let the image go; worrying about Connor accomplished nothing but more worry.


	29. Chapter 29

"We'll see you guys at school on Monday!" Zoe waved at Alana and Jared as they walked away from the bug towards Jared's house. Alana had picked Zoe up from the school earlier so they could leave the bug there to get home after the dance.

Originally the plan had been that Zoe and Evan would join Jared and Alana at Jared's, but noticing Evan's yawns on the ride over, Zoe had made their excuses to just drop them off instead. Alana's parents planned to pick her up at midnight from his house, which left them a solid hour and a half of alone time. Zoe was sure they would make the most of it; they didn't seem to be too upset that the afterparty was cancelled.

Evan turned and smiled at her sleepily from the passenger seat.

"Did you have fun?" he asked with a yawn.

"Absolutely. I can't imagine a more perfect night," Zoe grinned. She was glowing in the driver's seat, a little sweaty, her hair half down and her smile radiant. "Did you?" she turned and looked at Evan.

"I actually did," he replied. "For real. I didn't think I would dance or anything but I liked it when I did. And watching Jared and Alana was cute."

"Weren't they?!" Zoe quipped. "I never thought I would see us as some sort of relationship gurus but watching them makes me feel like a pro." She laughed.

"Right? I kind of love it. I'm sure Alana told you they kissed?"

"Yeah, she had a major freak-out about it in the bathroom."

"Wait, really? Did she not want to?"

"I'm not sure. I wasn't catching a lot of what she was saying; it was kind of quick. She seemed happy, but I think she's trying really hard to make herself have realistic expectations. She's been using movie stars to set her standards all her life."

"Oh. Yeah, that won't work."

"Yeah, Jared's not exactly a movie star," Zoe said with a wry smile. "But I think he really likes her. Has he talked to you about it?"

"Yeah, a little bit," Evan replied. "I think he likes her. He's not the best at being very. . . respectful when talking about her, but I think it's just because he's used to being so sarcastic all the time, ya know? I call him out on it, though."

"Do you now?" Zoe asked slyly.

"Yeah! I think it's not cool to talk about girls like they're. . . I don't know, achievements? Or something like that. Like, doing stuff with a girl is special," Evan's cheeks began to redden as he realized his audience, "and it shouldn't be taken for granted or bragged about. I guess." He fell silent, shoulders hunched shyly. Zoe smiled again, glancing over at him.

"So I'm guessing you haven't talked to him at all about us then?" she teased.

"Well, I did a bit. I mean, I didn't like brag about it or anything, not that there's anything to brag about, but sometimes you do need to talk about it, ya know? Like just to get advice or because it's just too exciting, you just have to stay respectful and not pretend like you're owed anything—"

"Ev, I'm not trying to call you out," Zoe giggled. "I'm just teasing."

"I knew that," Evan replied, his cheeks bright red. He paused a moment, waiting to see if she'd speak. When she didn't he continued. "I told him we might, ya know, do it. Tonight." Zoe's cheeks flushed a little at the idea.

"Did you now?"

"Yeah. I know we agreed I'd get condoms and all that, but I realized I couldn't actually go do that because, ya know, reasons, and I wasn't about to ask my mom or Connor or anything like that, so he was kind of the only option."

"I take it you got them then."

"Yeah. Just in case. We don't have to, obviously, I would never try and force it or anything like that—"

"You're fine," Zoe reminded him quietly, interrupting the beginning of another anxious ramble. He wasn't alone in his anxiety; the thought of actually doing it—no matter how planned it was—had her on edge too. "We don't have to do it if we don't want. There's literally zero pressure. We get to pick." She seemed to be reassuring herself as much as him.

"You're right," Evan breathed out slowly, getting his heartrate under control. They pulled up at Zoe's house and sat there for a moment. The tension in the air was palpable, thick and awkward.

Zoe turned and looked at Evan and he looked back. In a moment, he remembered why he was there; it was so,  _so_  much more than just sex. The awkwardness fell away as they looked at each other, small smiles spreading on their faces. Sex quickly fell into place in their minds: it wasn't this scary unexplored thing, just a facet of whatever this was between them, the heat and crackling electricity. Sex—if it happened—would just be a part of something bigger.

"Wanna go up?" Zoe suggested, breaking the trance. Evan nodded, afraid that his own voice would be husky and weak if he spoke.

They walked up to the house together, the world seeming muted around them. Evan reached for Zoe's hand and grazed her leg with his fingers accidentally—even such a casual touch made them both shiver. As their fingers twined together he could feel the heat radiating between them. The air outside was cold; their breath combined in a cloud in front of them as they walked. Neither of them felt a chill, however.

They didn't release each other's hands as she opened the door and they took their shoes off. He finished unlacing his dress shoes first and helped her undo the tiny buckles on her heels. She giggled as he did, their faces so close together but not touching, their hands still clasped together, unwilling to let go.

When both their shoes were off she led him up the stairs, they seemed to move in slow motion even as they half-jogged to her room. When they got there and closed the door, the tension arrived again.

The only light was from the streetlights outside, a warm orange glow barely penetrating the room, cut into bars by the blinds. The air felt heavy, frightening.

It was the bed. Having a bed there opened up all the possibilities. Even if they didn't get  _in_  the bed, now they were both  _thinking_  about the bed, and what they could do in it, and what they would  _probably_  do in it, if not tonight then eventually. Sure sex was only a part of it, but it was a very real, immediate, unknown part. Their hands still clasped each other, but now with caution, as if holding themselves back from whatever the bed implied.

"We should probably change into something comfy," Zoe whispered, never taking her eyes off the bed.

"Yeah," Evan whispered back. "That's what I forgot!" he hit his forehead with his free hand.

"What?" Zoe whispered.

"I forgot my bag with my change of clothes in it. It's at Jared's."

"Oh. That's ok, I have those clothes you borrowed last weekend still. You can just wear those." Zoe gestured at the pile on her desk, the t-shirt and flannel pajamas folded neatly, waiting to be returned to a boy who wouldn't speak to her. Evan wiped the thought from his mind, not letting Connor enter his thoughts. He couldn't, not now.

"Ok. Thanks. Yeah." Evan whispered. Their hands finally came apart as Zoe turned her back to him, pulling her half-down hair over her shoulder.

"Will you undo the zipper for me?" she whispered.

"S-sure," Evan replied. He noticed his fingers were shaking as he moved to grasp the tiny metal zipper, sliding it down her back with a soft buzz. She was wearing a beige strapless bra beneath that showed as the fabric gaped away. She held the dress up as she walked across the room to her closet, pulling out a soft tank top and a pair of boxers from its depths.

Evan watched in the half-light as she let the dress fall to the ground—still facing away from him—and stepped out of it. She was wearing light pink panties too. He looked at the imprint of her spine on her back, each vertebra standing out under the pale skin. She had a few light moles that he'd never seen before, scattered over her skin like constellations. She pulled on the boxers and t-shirt quickly, then turned around.

Evan quickly looked away, bashful, feeling guilty. She just smiled shyly, rolling the overly-large boxers up at her waist. He watched as they rose, revealing more and more of her legs.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" she asked.

"Yeah sure," Evan replied, peeling his eyes away from her legs.

"Ok," Zoe giggled, noticing where his attention was. "I'll pick something out." She walked over to her desk and pulled her corsage off her wrist tenderly, setting it down. She picked her laptop up from her desk and walked over to her bed. "Want to change?' she suggested again.

"Oh, yeah," Evan started over to the clothes on her desk. He unpinned his boutonniere and set it next to her corsage, admiring the pair together. He unbuttoned his suit jacket and pulled it off his shoulders. He heard a faint crackle as he did and remembered the condoms in the breast pocket. Thank god he had brought some, since he had left the rest at Jared's. He held the jacket carefully, trying to not let the packages crinkle again, not wanting Zoe to hear, even though they were for her. And him. Maybe.

His fingers fumbled with the buttons on his dress shirt, the fabric so stiffly starched that pushing the buttons back through was no easy task.

"Want some help with that?" Zoe asked from the bed. He turned and saw her smiling, watching him from under the blankets with a small smirk.

"Uh, sure," he replied.

He walked over and then knelt on the bed in front of her. She had longer nails than him and made quick work of the buttons. When she finished, she grasped a sleeve and held it while he pulled his arm out. He pulled his other arm out and let the shirt fall behind him. Zoe looked at him for a moment and anxiety hit his stomach in a wave. He felt naked, even though he was only shirtless. As he tensed, Zoe caught his eye again, her smile still warm and reassuring. It was just Zoe.  _Just_  Zoe. As if. She would never be  _just_  Zoe. But still, no reason to stress. Nothing she hadn't seen before.

He smiled at her and backed away on the bed, then laid his shirt down on the desk, pulling the white t-shirt over his head in its place. Being away from the bed again made him nervous once more. He faced away from her as he undid his pants and let them fall, quickly stepping out and pulling the flannel pajama pants on. He turned around quickly and noticed with relief that she was staring at her laptop screen, not at him.

He crawled into the bed and sat next to her, letting their legs touch but avoiding the usual cuddling pose they took, with her practically draped across him. She could feel his discomfort.

"Ok two things," she said into the silence. "First, we literally don't have to touch each other tonight. I just want you to know that, because you seem really tense and I don't want this to be awkward, and I don't care either way. Secondly, I was thinking that maybe we could watch some spoken word stuff instead of a movie. I've been getting really into it lately and I think there's some you'll really like. Is that ok?" She looked at Evan with her eyes wide, hopeful.

"Yeah sure," he mumbled, face red. He had been looking forward to this forever, and now when he had his chance, when there was nothing in their way, he was going to be an anxious wreck. Of course.

"Oh, and one more thing."

"Three things?" he asked sarcastically, trying to hide his disappointment in himself.

"I love you," Zoe whispered, leaning over and pecking him on the cheek. He felt a spark where her lips touched his skin, and reflexively reached up and touched the spot. He felt her smile next to him as she opened YouTube.

The first poem was sung—there was no other word for it—by a trans person, speaking in metaphors and stories and similes that carried Evan on a wave. The crescendos in their voice were completely mesmerizing. He felt Zoe watching him as the words flowed from the screen to his ears. When it ended, they sat there in silence, comprehending. The passion and pain of the words stayed in Evan, swirling around in his chest, feeling like his own.

"Wow," he finally whispered.

"Right?" Zoe whispered back. "It's called 'I Sing My Body Electric, Especially When My Power Is Out'. I love it." She quickly typed in more words and another poem started.

This one was spoken more quietly, by a bearded man, crooned into the microphone. He spoke of texting a girl he'd met only once, of sharing love via text message and never face to face, how electronic love can't describe the color of their eyes or her freckles or the color of her favorite bra, how phones know more cruelty and rejection than anything else. When it ended the man walked away from the microphone abruptly, leaving his last words hanging in the air: "This is how we have learned to love."

Evan's heart pounded in his chest. He turned to Zoe, saw the same feeling in her. All the odds they felt stacked against them, laid out there in vivid color: how tenuous love felt, with all the rest of the world getting in the way, watching, judging, all behind the safe anonymity of a screen, with a keyboard at their fingertips, their weapon. Evan felt like a hand was squeezing his heart, knowing Zoe had felt it too.

"I will never love you like that," he whispered. She looked at him, serious. "If I ever text you and say 'I love you' and 'lol' in the same message, please break up with me."

This got a smile from her.

"Sounds good," she whispered, leaning in and kissing him. YouTube played another poem automatically, set to music. Something about race in America; Evan wasn't sure. He was a bit distracted.

When Zoe leaned against him, the scoop neck on her tank top fell away from her body and left the satiny material of her bra exposed. Evan's eyes wandered downwards, and he felt Zoe follow his gaze. Without a word, she slipped the top off over her head, tossing it behind her and then looking at him questioningly;  _was this ok?_  He nodded faintly, then felt like he needed to reassure her somehow. A kiss seemed the best way. The laptop slid to the side as she leaned into the kiss, partially straddling him. It felt like their first kiss all over again; so right, but so terrifying at the same time. With this kiss, nothing was certain.

It felt like the point of no return; they both held their breath as their eyes met one final time: was this it? Evan felt his heart pounding as they looked at each other, felt Zoe's hand slide up his abdomen and land on his chest, feeling the pounding rhythm. She smiled slightly, holding his eyes with her own. Without a word, he reached up and placed his hand over her own, holding it there. His breath shuddered.

He kissed her again and then helped her slide off next to him once more, stopping their progress. She curled up immediately, eager to have him to know it was ok, they didn't have to go further. He felt his heartbeat slow and then a twang of regret: he wanted to, he wanted to  _so bad_ , but it was just so terrifying. He looked at her worriedly, not wanting her to think it was anything but him, not wanting to reject her but unable to overcome the anxiety, the racing heart and sweaty hands and constant highlight reel of terror and pain and—

Zoe lay her head on her chest and whispered, "I love you." Abruptly, the fears playing in his head screeched to a halt. They lay there in silence. Evan took in every detail his senses could provide; the tickle of her hair on his neck and chin, the smell of cucumbers and flowers and vanilla, the slow beat of her heart against his ribs, still slightly sore from his fall out of the tree. The way her breath travelled along his skin, under his shirt. How soft her cheek was, and the skin on her shoulder where his hand rested. How the filtered light caught every loose strand of her hair, illuminating it from behind and surrounding her head in a fiery halo. Every once in a while, she would whisper it again; "I love you," not expecting a response, just telling him, letting him take the words in, absorb them, get fully acquainted with them. They were lovely.

After a few minutes he stood, walking over to the desk. Zoe sat up behind him, looking at him with concern. Was he leaving? He reached into the pocket of his suit and pulled something out, walking back to the bed. He held up a little square package, metallic blue.

"I believe I've changed my mind," he stated awkwardly, watching her look from the condom to his face. She scooched over and stood, wedging herself in the space between him and the bed. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and fiddled with it for a moment, silently asking him if it was ok. He put his hands over hers and helped her lift it, pulling it over his head.

There was no worry now, no angst. He knew why he was doing this. He kissed her again, putting his hands in places they'd never been before; cupping her hip, holding her neck, travelling softly down and feeling the curve of her waist before coming up gently over her breast. They came apart and all they could hear was the sound of their breathing, shallow and quick. He turned around and sat on the bed, pulling her down with him so she was straddling him. When he started trailing kisses down her neck she giggled, both at the tickling and the memory of the hickey that had only just faded from the skin under his lips. He smiled too, into her neck, and that just made her laugh more.

After a few minutes he turned and sat against the headboard, holding her in place over his body. He fumbled with her bra, first with one hand, then two, trying to get it undone, smiling self-deprecatingly as he did so. He gave up after a minute, looking at her with a puzzled face.

"How do you wear one of these every day?" he whispered in wonder as she reached behind her and undid it with one hand. She laughed.

"You'll get used to it. With practice, I mean," she smiled. His grin fell away as her bra did; he sat there for a moment and just took in the sight in front of him. Zoe blushed at his eyes on her. "Have you never seen breasts before? Wait, don't answer that," she laughed, and he had to laugh too, bashfully, awkwardly, lovely.

Laughter seemed to be a common theme; when he reached up and cupped her breasts and just mouthed the word  _wow_ because nothing else came to mind, when his pants got tangled around his ankles and Zoe had to get off him to allow him to remove them, when her boxers got caught on  _her_  ankle and she had to kick multiple times to get them off, accidentally kicking Evan's leg in the process. When he accidentally poked a hole in the condom getting it out of the package and had to reassure Zoe he had another one, but didn't let her watch him walk over to the desk naked to retrieve it. She watched anyways, and they laughed about that too, after he calmed down. They had to spend a moment deciding who would be on top and got into the mechanics of the act itself, completely factual until they realized they were talking like engineers and not lovers, and they laughed about that too.

Then Zoe drew him down on top of her and for a moment there was no laughter, just silence, a tentative breath in, of reality hitting and  _oh my god this is it._ The lining it up, the reassuring smile and deepest kiss yet. . .

The moment of truth, when he landed inside her and held his breath, looking at her face, waiting for signs of pain or displeasure. She just opened her eyes and looked at him all puzzled and said, "don't stop!" They laughed then too, and he didn't stop, not until he finished, which was about ninety seconds later. Then they laughed at that too, because they both knew it would happen, even though he was embarrassed anyways.

She laughed when he apologized and then they laughed again, ten minutes later, when he was ready to go once more, and she was still ready because she hadn't really gone yet. They laughed as he had to go get a condom again, and she watched again, and this time he sat against the headboard and watched her body move on top of him and remembered that earlier he had never reminded her how beautiful she was, and so he had to tell her then, as she moved her body against his in all the right ways, looking so beautiful while doing it, and when she heard him she smiled and made some noises and he was pretty sure that reminding her she was beautiful was the best thing he'd ever done. They laughed again afterward, because they were both sweaty and tired and had done it, the terrifying thing they had both been so unsure about, and they both felt so  _good_ , even if strangely weak, and now all the fear from before felt so irrelevant and distant.

Lying next to each other, limbs so intertwined they felt melted together, they giggled quietly once more. They shared something now they hadn't before. When Evan had to go to the bathroom ten minutes later, he noticed how strange and wrong it felt to not be touching her, breathing a sigh of relief when he slipped back into bed and was with her once more. He never wanted to stop touching her, even if it wasn't sex; just trailing his fingers up and down her arm, feeling her ribs under her skin, tucking her hair behind her ear, grazing her breast with his palm. One night simply wouldn't be enough. He would need every night for the rest of forever to truly take in how beautiful she was, how miraculous and perfect and loving  _him._ So they fell asleep, warm yet shivering, love and pleasure and trust abounding with every touch, every graze, every glance.


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note: I want to warn all of you who are reading that this chapter is where many of the trigger warnings for this story come into effect.**

* * *

Evan came out of his sleep reluctantly, peeling his eyelids back slowly. The dim orange light of the night before was gone, replaced by a navy blue glow filtering through the blinds on the window. He wrinkled his nose as something tickled it, then realized it was Zoe's hair, laid out around her in a cloud. Evan reached a hand up to clear the space in front of his face, so he wouldn't inhale any strands. She groaned unhappily in her sleep and he returned his hand to its previous position, wrapped around her stomach. When he did, her lips immediately curled upwards in a tiny smile, her eyelashes fluttering.

He watched her like that for a while: the slow rise and fall of her chest, the flickering of the little muscles in her cheeks with whatever dream she was having, the flitting of her eyes beneath the pale lids. Even as his eyes grew heavy and he could feel sleep reclaiming him, Evan watched her.

His phone buzzed on the desk and snapped Evan from his drowsy state. Someone was calling. Zoe rolled over with a harrumph, curling into him and holding his arm in the curve of her body. He smiled at that, molding his body to hers easily, ignoring the buzzing phone. Whoever was calling could wait.

Neither of them had gotten dressed the night before, simply falling asleep in each other's arms. The feel of Zoe's back against his chest was comforting, not just skin on skin, but feeling each breath rise in her, the air collecting in her lungs before being forced back out into the cold bedroom.

Just as her breathing was about to lull him back into sleep, his phone buzzed again with another call. If somebody was calling twice, he needed to answer. He pulled his arm tenderly from the crook of Zoe's body and rolled back off the bed, barely getting to the phone before it went to message.

"Hello?"

"There you are! Jesus Christ Ev, I've called you like twenty times," Jared's voice was breathless on the other end of the line. Evan looked at his phone screen and saw he had seventeen missed calls from the boy. He must have slept through all the others.

"I'm sorry, we were sleeping," he replied somewhat bashfully. He could tell Jared about all that later. "What's up?"

"Did Connor show up last night?"

"Not that I'm aware of, no."

"Then you need to go find him like, now."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"Some shit went down last night Ev," Jared began hesitantly.

"What happened?" Evan tried to withhold panic. Zoe lifted her head and looked at him in confusion, freshly roused from her sleep.

"Well, he didn't show up right away, which was fine, because I was with Alana and we were talking, and I'll tell you about that later, but I was texting him and everything, so I knew he wasn't dead or doing drugs or whatever, and then he kind of stopped replying, so I got worried."

"Yeah?"

"Well it was like two thirty in the morning and he had stopped responding at like two, so I was just about to give up on staying up for him, figuring he'd probably just gone home and zoinked out or whatever, ya know, since it was so late, I promise I wasn't just like not hanging with him like I told you I would or anything. Anyways, he did end up showing up."

"So, then what's the problem?"

"I'm getting there. He was messed up, Ev. Like, really drunk. I think. His breath stunk of like whiskey or something. He insisted on coming through my window, and he couldn't really make it, even though you know it's like three feet off the ground and he's a fucking giant, and so I helped pull him in, and then. . ."

"Yeah? What happened Jared?" Evan's voice was charged; he looked at the bed and saw Zoe was sitting up in it, looking at him in alarm, just hearing his half of the conversation.

"Well, I don't want to blow things out of proportion or seem dramatic or like, try to get him in trouble or anything."

"Jared, spit it out."

"Well, he kissed me. Like on the lips." Jared fell silent, a staticky crackling coming from his end of the line.

"Ok. What happened after he kissed you?" Evan asked, restating what happened so Zoe could hear. He didn't let any alarm or surprise into his voice; maybe Jared hadn't figured it out yet.

"He like, tried to keep it going when I pulled away, and I figured he was too drunk to know better, so I was like, 'Connor, let's just get you in bed big boy,' like trying to be funny about it, ya know? I didn't want him to feel weird or anything. But then he started crying, like these big huge sobs just took over and he couldn't breath, and so I just did the logical thing and like, hugged him, you know? And then he tried to kiss me again, even though he had snot everywhere and I had made it clear I didn't want to do that and so I was like, 'Connor, not cool, I don't want to kiss you,' and then he just like stood up and looked at me so strangely, like he didn't know me at all or like I had just like killed a puppy or something, I don't know, and then he ran out."

"Well did you go after him?" Evan asked in alarm.

"Yeah of course! I'm not a nitwit, I could tell he wasn't all there—I mean, duh, the dude kissed me, right? I ran out after him and was like trying to call him back and at this point it was like nearly three in the morning and I was really tired, and man does he have some long ass legs. He lost me like two blocks away from my house, even as drunk as he was. Motherfucker's fast, I'll give him that. Might have had something to do with the fact that I was in slippers. Anyways, I called you then and you didn't pick up so I tried to sleep but I couldn't because I needed to make sure he was safe, and you asked me to hang with him and all that so I drove around and he's not at school or Á La Mode or the mall and I even went to the bad part of town, you know near the abandoned factory? I figured maybe he went to get drugs there or something but he's not there either, I mean as far as I could tell because I'm not about to go inside the factory, obviously, so anyways I went home because I got too tired to drive and I've just been calling you every five minutes since then." Jared exhaled loudly, like he had said all that in one breath. Evan looked at the alarm clock on Zoe's nightstand; it was just after five thirty. Connor had been missing for nearly three hours. Though perhaps missing wasn't the word: Evan knew exactly where he was.

"Jared, thank you so much. Go ahead and sleep. We've got it," Evan promised, hanging up his phone over the protests of Jared not understanding what he was being thanked for. Evan turned to Zoe, sitting on the bed with wide eyes. "Connor kissed Jared and then ran away. We have to go find him."

Zoe was out of bed and pulling on sweats and a sweatshirt in a flash. Evan pulled on Connor's pants and white V-neck once more.

"Does he know?" she asked grimly.

"No. I think that's the least of our concerns though," Evan replied as he ran out of her room to Connor's and slammed the door open, just making sure. The room was empty, the bed neatly made, not a single article of clothing lying on the floor. Evan gulped. Not normal.

He ran back down the hall to Zoe's and almost crashed into her coming out of her room. She tossed him his phone and he caught it as they headed down the stairs. The only shoes Evan had were his nice dressy ones from the dance, shiny black leather. He pulled them on without socks and laced them up as Zoe pulled on a pair of sneakers, fumbling with the laces due to her shaking hands.

They were in the bug not three minutes after Evan hung up on Jared. Evan dialed 911 and was about to press the green talk button when he realized maybe he was overreacting. He would feel like an idiot if he called and then Connor turned out to be fine, just needing some time to think. Plus, what would he say to the 911 operator? 'Hey I think my friend might have tried to kill himself, but I'm not sure'?

Zoe looked over and saw the number dialed on the phone, her mouth set in a grim line. She didn't say anything. Evan turned the screen off, waiting to dial until he knew he needed to.

They sped in silence to the orchard, the speedometer never dipping below fifty, even on residential streets. The drive that usually took a half hour at least took them just fifteen minutes on the empty, foggy roads.

When they got there, they both slammed their doors and started running. They knew exactly what tree it would be.

Connor was sitting against it this time, another dreamy smile stuck on his face. He was normally a pale person, but Evan had never seen skin this ashen before, so ghastly white that in places it had turned grey. His lips were a purplish blue and his hands too, the cold October air leeching the heat away from them. Zoe didn't think before pressing two fingers to his throat, eyes wide in deep concentration.

"Call 911," she ordered. Then, after a moment, "he has a pulse."

Evan opened the screen and pressed dial, listening to the tone and then the brisk voice of the operator on the other end of the line.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Our friend is almost dead, we think he tried to kill himself, we're not sure he's breathing but he has a pulse," Evan gasped for air, there didn't seem to be enough.

"Ok, where are you located?"

"At the old apple orchard that shut down? I don't know the address but it's out past the little shopping complex at the south end of town."

"I know where it is. We're dispatching an ambulance to your location now. What is your name?" The operator's voice was warm and smooth, almost motherly.

"Evan, Evan Hansen, but I'm not the person, his name is Connor—"

"Ok Evan, that's fine, I just need your name for now. What's your phone number that you're calling from?"

Evan recited the digits to the operator in a daze, watching Zoe keep her hand pressed to Connor's throat, trying to detect a pulse.

"Ok Evan, the ambulance is on it's way and should be there in ten minutes or less. Can you please stay on the line with me?"

"Yeah, sure, we can't tell if he's breathing or not, but his heart rate is low, it's so low—" Evan looked at Zoe. Her brow was furrowed in concentration, trying to feel for his pulse

"Like twenty or less," she mumbled.

"Ok Evan, his heartrate is low, do you see any visible injuries on his body?"

"Connor, his name is Connor, and no, he's just so pale right now he's almost blue—"

"Ok Evan, can you do me a favor?"

"Yes?" Evan strained, needing her to speak faster, to recognize the emergency this was.

"Do you have another phone with you?"

"Yes."

"Ok Evan, can you take it and hold the screen about an inch beneath Connor's nose? Don't turn the screen on; if he's breathing his breath will form condensation on the screen—that way you can tell if he's breathing or not."

Evan turned to Zoe.

"Can you hold your phone beneath his nose?" he asked. Zoe pulled her phone out, immediately understanding what he wanted. They both held their breath and waited, two seconds stretched to five, which stretched to ten. Then, the faintest fog spread on the screen, two bare semicircles from his nostrils.

"He's breathing," Evan exhaled into the phone.

"Excellent, I'm glad to hear that," the operator seemed to croon. "Now Evan, can I ask you something else?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it possible Connor might have taken medication of some sort?"

"Well he's prescribed meds—"

"I mean an overdose of some sort. Can you check his pockets or the area around him for any empty pill bottles or packets?"

The operators voice was still so calm. Zoe was pulling her hoodie off her head, trying to pull it over Connor's body, still in his maroon suit, now dirty and damp. Evan knelt next to Connor and reached into his pockets, fishing around. In the left pocket of his pants, Evan pulled out an orange pill bottle.

"I have it," Evan spoke breathlessly into his phone.

"Ok Evan, can you tell me what the bottle says?"

"It's Ambien, there were a hundred and twenty pills but it's empty now."

"Ok Evan, can you tell me if it was a five milligram dose or a ten? It will say at the top of the label, above his name."

"Uhh, it was ten, ten milligrams, and it's not his name on the bottle, it's not his name—"

"Ok Evan, that's fine. Don't worry, help is on the way, just stay on the line with me. Do you know what other meds Connor might have taken in addition to this Ambien? His own prescription meds count."

Evan looked at Zoe helplessly and she reached for the phone, taking it from his shaking hand. He felt the need to replace her at Connor's neck as she spoke to the operator. He placed his finger at the spot beneath Connor's jaw, then recoiled. Skin was never meant to be that cold. He forced himself to press again and found a pulse, pitifully slow and weak.

"Yes, that's all. He was drinking too," Zoe replied to the operator, keeping her eyes glued on Evan. "I'm not sure how much, if he did it was by himself. Yes," she replied, sounding strangely calm.

Finally, they heard sirens in the distance, growing closer. Evan realized the paramedics wouldn't be able to see them from the parking lot, so he rose and ran out to beckon them in. The ambulance driver saw him immediately and drove towards him, over the grass and in between the rows of trees. Once they spotted Connor, they killed the sirens, stopping so the back end of the ambulance was no more than ten feet away. Evan ran after the ambulance, pausing a safe distance from Connor to give them space to work.

The paramedics were out of the vehicle in a flash, two surrounding the boy and taking vitals while a third retrieved the stretcher from the back of the ambulance, immediately recognizing the need for it. As soon as he was on the stretcher they put some sort of mask with a balloon shaped attachment over his mouth; one paramedic started squeezing the balloon periodically while another began chest compressions. The one holding the balloon expertly timed his squeezes of it while taking out an IV bag and swiping Connor's elbow with a cotton swab soaked in some orange fluid. As they worked, they moved the stretcher over and slid it into the ambulance, all in one practiced rhythm. One of them approached Evan and Zoe.

"Do you have the pill bottle?" he asked authoritatively. Evan meekly handed the empty bottle over and the man took it, not even looking at it. "Was that your car in the lot?" he asked again, his voice kinder. Zoe nodded. "Ok, follow us to the hospital. We're going to speed, so keep up. If you lose us, obey traffic laws. Go ahead and park legally once there, just tell them you're with the ambulance, ok?" Evan nodded as the paramedic turned and headed back to the ambulance. As soon as he was in, the sirens turned on and it began backing out. They had been there for no more than three minutes.

Zoe and Evan ran to her bug, getting inside and doing a quick three-point turn to get in position to follow the ambulance. Neither said a word as they sped after the vehicle, watching traffic lights turn green for them on the way to the hospital.

Once there, Zoe pulled into the underground garage and found a spot quickly. Evan couldn't help but remember sitting in her bug in the garage months ago, leaving with Connor after his last attempt. He had sworn he would get better; now so much had changed.

They took the stairs up to the lobby—the elevator wasn't quick enough—and approached the check-in desk.

"We're here with the ambulance," Zoe said breathlessly, already looking at where the signs pointed to the emergency room. The receptionist held up two visitor passes. Evan grabbed them and followed Zoe; she had already started running.

When they got there the other receptionist in the emergency room told them they had to wait until a doctor came to get them. They found two seats and sat, Zoe immediately finding Evan's hand and gripping it in a white-knuckled death grip.

It was the first time they had had to think since waking up. Evan knew exactly what was going through Zoe's mind—it was going through his mind too.  _You saw him struggling. You saw him slip up. You saw him suicidal. Your fault. You were so focused on each other, you ignored him. He was calling for help._

Neither of them spoke to each other, letting the ugly words course through their systems, being forced to confront the possibility of their worst fears. As they sat and waited, the sun slowly rose outside, illuminating the waiting room with pale white light. After what felt like forever, but couldn't have been much more than an hour, a doctor emerged and walked over to them.

"Hi, are you here for Connor?"

"Yes," Zoe stood awkwardly, her legs having gone to sleep in the position she was sitting in.

"And you are his. . ."

"Sister," Zoe replied. "My name's Zoe."

"Ok Zoe, where are your parents?"

"Flying in from Malaysia, their flight is scheduled to land at ten. What's going on? Is he ok?" She looked at the man pleadingly. He sighed.

"Connor did a number on himself. The sleeping pills alone are a recipe for disaster, albeit not fatal, but he also had quite a bit of alcohol in his system. Polydrug use is quite serious."

"Is he ok though? Will he survive?" Evan asked, Zoe's face having blanched. The doctor sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers.

"We can't be quite sure yet. We've pumped his stomach and dosed him with Flumazenil, but he was there for quite a while and much of the drug had already entered his system. There is a possibility that brain damage has occurred, especially with the alcohol. We won't know for a few hours. The hypothermia was a blessing in disguise here; it may have slowed his pulse and helped slow the travel of the drug through his system."

"Hypothermia?" Zoe asked breathlessly.

"Yes, he was out in near-freezing temperatures for an extended period of time. Thankfully frostbite didn't progress past the first stage, so we're just rewarming him gradually and waiting until we can assess the extent of the brain damage."

"Assess the extent? You just said it was possible, not that it had actually happened!" Evan recoiled, trying to quell the panic. He needed to be strong for Zoe.

"There is bound to be some damage no matter what. What we want to determine is whether or not he can breathe on his own, and then we can work from there. We can discuss this more once your parents arrive. For now, he's stable as we rewarm him, would you like to see him?" Evan nodded and held Zoe's arm tightly as they followed the doctor through the big swinging doors to the ward.

Connor was in a bed front and center near the nurse's station. Evan felt Zoe tremble as they approached, recoil at seeing her brother in such a state.

He was lying face up, but you couldn't really see his face. A large breathing tube covered most of it, taped across his forehead and chin. The tube emerged from his open mouth and ran off to a machine next to him. Another smaller wire ran along it, connected to a monitor that displayed his temperature: 34.2 degrees Celsius. Evan tried to the math in his head, but the machine blinked and changed for him, displaying it in Fahrenheit: 93.6 degrees.

Connor was packed in blankets, turning him into a giant lump. Evan felt Zoe's eyes travelling the length of his body and then settling on the one protuberance from the blanket mound: a single hand, chapped and red with chipped black polish still on the nails, connected to the railing of his bed by a shiny metal handcuff. When she saw it, Zoe breathed in sharply, stopping in her tracks.

"Coming through!" A nurse blew past where they were frozen in the walkway, carrying a tray of instruments. The doctor ushered them over and pointed at two chairs against the curtain next to the bed.

"Sit. We just have to monitor him at this point, if any of his vitals change, a nurse will be signaled immediately."

"He was breathing when we found him, why does he need a tube now?" Evan asked, hating the tremor in his voice.

"He experienced respiratory failure on the way to the hospital. It's to be expected with an overdose of this magnitude, don't worry."

"Will he wake up?" Zoe asked.

"No. Stay here, let a nurse know if you need anything. I'll come back once your parents are here." And with that, the doctor turned and left, leaving Evan and Zoe to stare at Connor's comatose form in front of them.

For a few minutes, they didn't say a word, just staring at him and the tubes and the heart rate monitor, watching the little line indicating his heart beat float up and down rhythmically, watching his temperature rise slowly.

Every few minutes the nurses would come in with a new bundle of blankets and whisk the old ones away, placing the new ones over him and tucking them around his body. They seemed to know better than to talk to Zoe and Evan, just smiling with pity and then bustling off with the blankets once more. It was after the third blanket change that the floodgates broke.

"It's my fault," Zoe whispered. "The therapists—the one's we got as a family—they always stress it so hard with me. As the little sibling, right? They always say, 'Zoe, it's not your fault. Connor will do what he wants, but you can  _never_  blame yourself for it'. But this is totally my fault."

Evan didn't have a chance to say  _no_  before the tears came. The sobs caught her like a brick wall, wrenching her body forward until she was bent over around her stomach. Evan knelt on the floor and wrapped his arms around her, letting her cry, not trying to stop the tears. In a moment she was out of the chair and on the floor. He held her as she went down, sinking with her.

He cradled her in his arms and rocked slowly, shh-ing her with every sob, letting her empty herself. He knew it wasn't her fault. He tried as hard as he could to believe it wasn't his either. Easier said than done. But right now, Zoe needed him. And she came first.

After a while, her sobs turned to tears, and eventually tears turned to empty gasps. Emotionally exhausted, she slept, right there in Evan's arms on the hospital floor. He gently brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ears, adjusting his arms ever so slowly to a more comfortable position so he could hold her while she slept, rocking gently back and forth on the ground.

While she slept, he thought.  _Connor talked to me. He told me about his dad. He made me promise to not follow him. And Zoe too. I should have known. He had done the exact same thing on Wednesday, and we just let it go. And the weekend before, when he left me at the orchard. He's been like this for weeks now, but the fact that he would kind of talk to me made us all think he was better. That's just not true. I should have known. When he left me at the orchard, and when I found out he was gay, and on Wednesday. I should have known._

He silently cursed himself. This was his fault. If Connor died, it would be his fault. If Connor ended up a vegetable; his fault. He couldn't know that Zoe was thinking the exact same thing as she woke up in his arms: about how she was so blinded by Connor's change of heart she didn't see how none of his actions had changed. How she was so enamored by Evan she ignored her own brother's decline. How she had wanted to badly to have a normal homecoming, she had shoved Connor's issues under the table the entire week, not telling her parents. How she had let Connor shove her worries under the rug.

Zoe opened her eyes and blinked at Evan.

"Just look at us," she whispered. Evan looked down and had to admit they were quite the pair. He was in too-long flannel pajama pants, black leather dress shoes, and a white V-neck, all now spattered in mud from the orchard. She—having taken her hoodie off to give to Connor—was in just her tank top and a pair of sweats, the same spattering of mud covering her as well. She sat up awkwardly, and Evan flexed his legs; they had gone to sleep under her weight.

They looked at each other for a moment, tuning out the beeping of the monitors and whooshing sound of the machine breathing for Connor. The look they shared was so filled with wretchedness; the awful guilt they were both bearing written so plainly on their faces. Evan looked away first; he was so used to enduring pain like that on his own. He hadn't anticipated Zoe feeling the same way. Or wearing it so clearly on her face. When she wore that pain, it didn't seem as pathetic as when he did.

Zoe rubbed her eyes and looked around. "I'm going to track down something warm for us, ok?' she asked. Evan just nodded, using the chair to hold his weight as he stood awkwardly. Competent, confident Zoe was back, her momentary meltdown pushed back inside. How did she do that?

In a minute she was back, brandishing two of the warmed blankets that the nurses had been rotating for Connor. Zoe sat on one chair and Evan sat next to her; she laid one blanket out over their laps and one over their shoulders, using their arms to hold them down.

She laid her head on his shoulder and he leaned his head against hers; within minutes they had both fallen asleep, lulled by their own exhaustion and the slow, steady beating of Connor's monitoring equipment.

They were both jolted awake by a telltale wailing. Cynthia's carrot-colored hair was right in front of them, bent over Connor's form. Larry stood at the foot of the bed, taking in his son's body before turning to look at Evan and Zoe.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice quiet and grim. The way he said it didn't even sound like a question. Evan and Zoe both turned to look at each other, wiping the sleepiness from their eyes, trying to silently decide together how much to tell.

"It's my fault," Evan started, just as Zoe said, "It's all because of me". They turned to look at each other in surprise, recognizing the same desolation in each other's eyes.

"What?" Larry asked, confused. Evan shrugged at Zoe, letting her talk first.

"He didn't do too well this week," Zoe began.

"Well then why didn't you call us?" Larry's voice thundered; Evan could see he was full of fear and had no way to let it out but rage.

"Because you'd send him back, Dad." Zoe's voice was quiet.

"With good reason! Look at this! You could have prevented this!" Larry gestured wildly at Connor, spittle flying from his mouth. Zoe shrunk into Evan. Larry crossed his arms and looked at Zoe menacingly. Evan noticed how tan he had gotten while in Malaysia, his dark brown skin setting a contrast against his white hair.

"Larry!" Cynthia turned and looked at her husband in shock, not letting Connors hand go.

"What, Cynthia? You want to pretend it's nobody's fault? We leave for one week and our son tries to kill himself; we thought we could trust her to take care of him!" His face was turning the color of a tomato, a vein protruding from under his skin near his temple, pulsing with every word.

"She is sixteen years old! And he was doing  _better_  when we left,"

"Clearly not!" Larry yelled. "Why would she say it was her fault then?"

The doctor from earlier rushed over, interrupting the crisis unfolding around Connor's bed.

"Are you Mr. and Mrs. Murphy?" he spoke calmly, as though their screams hadn't been permeating the entire ward just moments before. Larry nodded curtly, clearly embarrassed of his outburst. "Can I speak to you outside?" the doctor asked.

Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked away from the bed, with the Murphy's trailing meekly behind, leaving Zoe cowering next to Evan, pale as a sheet. As soon as Larry was gone, she began crying again, fat, hot tears rolling down her cheek and landing on Evan's shirt. He kept his arm around her, rubbing warmth into her robotically, not sure what else to do.

When Connor had been in the hospital last time, Evan had only gone there after he was in the clear, recovering and awake and snarky as ever. Evan hadn't been there for the part before, the uncertainty and fear. He understood now why Zoe was so zombie-like back then, why she had clung to the chance to help him through a crisis of his own. Anything to avoid more feelings like these being put into the universe. To prevent his mom from feeling the fear Cynthia was experiencing now. . . he shuddered, remembering the afternoon Zoe had first asked to meet him. The pills and his plans for the state park. He would never do that now, not after seeing this.

"Evan?" Evan and Zoe both looked up as his name was called. His thoughts of his mom seemed to have summoned her; she was walking across the emergency room floor towards them, a grey cardigan pulled over her mint green scrubs.

"Evan, sweetie, what happened?" She looked in concern at Connor's shape on the bed, her eyes lingering on the handcuffed hand sticking out from the blankets. Evan didn't answer, speechless. Zoe just re-hid her head on Evan's shirt, not wanting his mom to see her tears.

"Well I guess that was a dumb question. Zoe, honey, are your parents here?" Heidi's voice went full nurse-mode, crooning gently for Zoe, just like the 911 operator had for Evan.

"We're right here," Cynthia spoke, coming back from speaking with the doctor. Her eyes were rimmed with red, a smear of mascara on her cheek from where she had wiped tears away. Larry stood a good three feet behind her, his face stoic.

"Oh wonderful. Is he ok?" Heidi asked.

"They're waiting to run tests until his body temperature is up and the drugs are out of his system. They won't know anything until then," Cynthia never took her eyes off her boy as she spoke, watching the artificial rise and fall of his chest under the mountain of blankets.

"Well that won't be for a few hours at least. Did you just get here from the airport?" Heidi asked. Larry just nodded, Cynthia had walked ghost-like back over to hold Connor's hand, once more studiously ignoring the cuff encasing his bony wrist.

"Well then, you'll probably want to stay here with him for a while until they can run the tests. How about I take the kids home and let them rest for a while?" she looked at Larry inquiringly and he just nodded again, his eyes fixed on his wife clinging to Connor's hand.

"Can Zoe come over?" Evan mumbled, keeping his arm wrapped around her body, still hidden in the blankets.

"Of course. If it's all right with her parents," Heidi looked to Cynthia and Larry in deference.

"That's fine," Cynthia broke from her reverie to look up at Heidi. She smiled wanly. "I'd like for her to not be alone right now."

"Well she's welcome to stay at our place as long as she'd like," Heidi replied warmly. "Zoe, Evan, are you two ready?"

Evan rubbed Zoe's back once and she looked up wearily, her eyes puffy and her cheeks tearstained. Her hair was in a rat's nest from the night before, stuck together with leftover hairspray. Together, she and Evan rose, letting the blankets fall around them. They both shivered at the same time, as though it were choreographed, and Heidi looked at them with concern.

"Is that all you're wearing?" she asked.

Evan then realized exactly what they were wearing; Zoe was clearly in her pajamas, which might make sense, but he was in Connor's clothes and his shoes from the dance. Heidi had watched him pack his overnight bag for Jared's—it was clear he hadn't used it. He looked at his mom plaintively, begging her to keep silent about it. She caught his glance and he watched her think it over: she hadn't given permission for him to spend the night at Zoe's, but that was their issue, not something the Murphy's needed to be made aware of at this point. Especially not with what was going on at the moment. She quickly changed the tone of her language.

"Zoe, you must be freezing. Here, take my cardigan," she removed it quickly and placed it over Zoe's shoulder's. Zoe tried to resist but Heidi shushed her. "Ok, I have these two," she addressed Cynthia and Larry. "You two go ahead and try to rest, call us with any updates. The nurses over there will have my number."

Cynthia waved pathetically as they walked away, Larry nodded once, curtly. Evan wrapped his arm around Zoe again, Heidi noticed they had been almost constantly touching the entire time she'd been there. As they walked out to her car, they seemed to lean on each other for support.

When they got to Heidi's little Acura, they both slid into the back seat. Normally Heidi wouldn't have allowed this—she wasn't their personal chauffeur—but looking in the rearview mirror she watched how they fit themselves together in the back, Evan wrapping his arm around Zoe's shoulders, their hands on each other's legs, their heads leaning against one another. It was like puzzle pieces; if they weren't next to each other, they'd be incomplete.

"Didn't get much sleep last night?" she asked wryly, keeping her eyes on the mirror. Evan looked up at her, his expression turning from serious to somewhat chagrined.

"No not really. We were woken up pretty early too," he replied. No use denying that they had been together. Heidi didn't bring it up though; they could talk about it another time. She silently thanked herself for having the talk with him the weekend before. The way he and Zoe were intertwined, it hadn't been a second too soon.

Once home, Evan and Zoe plodded along to Evan's room to change. Heidi offered Zoe some of her clothes, but the girl didn't seem interested. When they emerged from Evan's room, they both were wearing his clothes instead: old sweatpants and sweatshirts. They fell onto the couch together and were asleep in minutes. Heidi stood in the doorway and watched them sleep, still interlocked. It was a special kind of relationship that could weather a storm like this one: when things turned tough, it took a lot to turn to somebody else instead of retreat inwards and weather it alone. That was what they seemed to be doing, however.

She took a deep breath, feeling the weariness in her bones from her graveyard shift. She hoped they were strong enough to turn to each other if the news got worse. She suspected it would.


	31. Chapter 31

Evan woke up suddenly, jerking into an upright position. Zoe groaned on the couch next to him, not expecting the sudden movement. She sat up slowly, stretching her arms and trying to stifle a yawn.

The small living room was dark, backlit by the light from the kitchen. Zoe glanced at the clock on the wall and saw the time: 8:42. They'd slept through the day.

"Are you ok?" Zoe asked, looking at Evan with concern. His face was drained of blood, as though he'd seen a ghost. It was an awful dream; he had been in a tree, and it wasn't even a windy day, but he somehow couldn't seem to keep his balance. No matter how hard he tried, he kept slipping from one side to the other, teetering back and forth. Eventually he'd fallen. That's what woke him so suddenly.

He rubbed his arm that he had broken just a few months before and tried to shove the memories from that day down—the arm ached emptily, in a way it hadn't for so long. He couldn't believe now that he had done that. It seemed so stupid; to sit here in warm comfort with Zoe next to him and his mom in the next room over while Connor lay in the emergency room.

"Ev?" Zoe rubbed his shoulder and moved her face into the path of his empty gaze.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just had a nightmare," Evan replied, focusing his stare. Zoe looked bedraggled and tired, even though they'd just woken up. Somehow, it felt like they hadn't slept at all.

"Are you kids up?" Heidi's voice called out from the kitchen, unsteady.

"Yeah!" Evan called back. He didn't have to speak very loudly to be heard; the kitchen was just the next room over.

"How about you come in here?" Heidi's voice trembled as she spoke. Zoe and Evan shared a look. This was it.

Together they stood and walked into the kitchen. Heidi was sitting at the table, a cup of tea in front of her. Evan and Zoe sat in the two seats next to her, reflexively reaching across the table for each other's hands. Heidi looked at where their fingers interlaced but said nothing. Her eyes were rimmed with red, dark circles under them betraying her exhaustion—she clearly hadn't slept since coming home with them from the hospital, and she had been coming off a graveyard shift when she did that. She was good at putting on a strong face though

"You have news, don't you," Zoe said flatly. Heidi nodded.

"The way that Zolpidem—maybe you know it as Ambien—works is by depressing your nervous and respiratory and cardiovascular system," Heidi began. "It essentially chemically forces your body into sleep, when taken in the proper dosage."

"He took way more than just one dose though, didn't he?" Zoe's voice trembled again, she clutched at Evan's hand nervously while he just sat and stared at his mom. He frequently saw her trying to stay lighthearted after a day of delivering news like this. He had never been on the receiving end of it before.

"Yes, Connor took more than two hundred times the normal dosage. Even then, he didn't hit the lethal dose, however."

"So he'll be ok?" Evan couldn't help the childish hopefulness in his voice. He wanted so badly for it to be true.

"Well, honey, I'm not finished yet. In addition to the Ambien, he consumed quite a bit of alcohol. His Blood Alcohol Concentration was at a .23 when you brought him in. The legal limit for adults to drive is 0.08, for reference. Alcohol is also a depressant, for all the same systems Ambien is. And while consuming each individually could trigger a side effect of nausea and vomiting, which would cause him to reject the rest, together they combined to depress his gastrointestinal system as well, so that never happened." Heidi began playing with her fingers, twisting them nervously as she spoke. Zoe absently noted where Evan got his fidgeting from.

"So what does that mean?" she asked flatly.

"Well, his system cleared of the drugs and alcohol a few hours ago with help from the gastric lavage and IV fluids, so they ran the tests to see what shape his bodily functions were in."

"And?" Evan pushed impatiently. Heidi met his eyes and he watched tears swell in hers.

"Connor couldn't breath on his own when they removed the breathing tube. His eyes showed no response to light stimuli, and his body showed no reflex reaction to pain stimuli." Her voice broke and she whispered feebly, "I'm afraid Connor is brain-dead."

Zoe didn't react for a moment. Evan found himself watching her, not confronting the fact, waiting to see what her reaction was, what he could mirror. She just looked at Heidi in disbelief.

"So he's a vegetable?" she asked again, her voice free of emotion. Heidi nodded, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"How long have you known for?" Zoe asked.

"The doctor called about an hour ago to tell me. I wanted to let you guys sleep as long as possible. Your parents are still there, they've been doing paperwork and now they just have to make the decision to stop life-support."

"Are they waiting for me to say goodbye?" Zoe asked again. Heidi looked surprised at how functional she was, how well she was taking it. She nodded.

"Can we go now?" Zoe asked. Heidi nodded and took another sip of her tea before setting the mug down and picking her keys up from the table.

Walking out to the car, Evan noticed Zoe's hand shaking in his own. He looked at her face and saw the steely resolve there; to not cry? To not scream and yell in rage? He couldn't know. All he could feel was the shaking, uncontrollable and wild. He opened the door for them and slid in next to her and didn't let go of her shaking hand the entire way to the hospital.

BREAK

Heidi parked the car underground and Evan and Zoe followed her blindly inside. Evan registered vague surprise when he realized they were in an elevator; at some point Connor must have been moved from the emergency room. When they got out of the elevator, they walked down the hallway slowly; this wasn't pediatrics, where Connor had been last time. No bright colors or cancer kids walking around. Just beige walls and the smell of antiseptic.

The sound of Larry's yell guided them down the last stretch of sterile hallway.

"I said no, goddammit! Why can't you people leave us alone?" he thundered. Heidi made it to the room but then paused in the doorway, Evan and Zoe on her heels. Larry and Cynthia were on either side of the only bed in the room, both clinging to the hand of their dead son. He didn't seem dead though; his cheeks were rosy, and all the extra blankets from earlier were gone, showing the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest.

A different doctor than they had met earlier stood at the foot of the bed clutching a clipboard in front of his chest like a shield against Larry's words.

"Ok Mr. Murphy, I understand. We do have several patients that could use these organs though—"

"These organs are  _my son_ ," Larry spat. "And they will be staying right here where they fucking belong!" The doctor took a step back.

"Of course, my apologies sir, please just ring for a nurse if you change your mind," he turned to flee and almost crashed into Heidi.

"You're joking right?" Zoe cracked from the door, staring at her dad. His eyes were dry; it was clear he hadn't yet shed a tear. He just stared at her. The doctor paused as well, looking at her uncertainly.

"Connor has the chance to save lives right now, the ability to do one good thing with the end of his existence, and you're going to deprive him of that? How selfish can you get?" Zoe's face twisted into some unrecognizable shape; Evan barely recognized her. Larry glared at her, anguish barely hiding behind his chiseled features.

"He's  _my_  son."

"So? He's dead," Zoe said the word with no affect, as if unconcerned with the fact that he was her brother, lying right there. "Don't be bullheaded and stubborn just because you don't know how to handle your grief."

Larry turned and looked at Cynthia, as if waiting for backup. She looked away, continuing to hold Connor's hand with one of hers and tenderly stroke his hair with the other. Her eyes were a mess of mascara and redness, tear-free at the moment but clearly destined not to remain that way for long.

"Would you like to sign the consent form?" the doctor tentatively asked, holding the clipboard out to Larry. Larry stared at it for a moment. He shuddered once, then took it and signed it quickly, handing it back and immediately picking Connor's hand back up. Evan noticed that both of Connor's hands were handcuff free now; guess there was no need to handcuff a dead boy.

"Thank you, Mr. Murphy, you're saving lives. I'll step out to let you say your final goodbyes. The operating team will be here in ten minutes or so to prep him. Thank you again, you are doing a service to so many families." He bowed awkwardly, then paused and waited for Heidi and the kids to move before rushing out the door.

Cynthia watched him go and then let out a strange wailing noise, unlike anything Evan had ever heard. He loosened his grip, letting Zoe know it was ok if she wanted to approach Connor. She just retightened her grip on his and stood there, watching her parents. They had been there for at least an hour with the knowledge that the body in the bed wasn't their son anymore; that whatever spark had made Connor himself was now absent.

Evan was used to seeing the Murphy's so chipper: Cynthia bouncing around the kitchen, cooking terrible food, dancing to old music with Zoe's embarrassed groans behind her, Larry talking animatedly—if a little drunkenly—about sports and stocks and idiots who needed lawyers. This was a different side; Cynthia's heartbreak shattering the room, reverberating off the walls and people around her, Larry shut down, angry, intense. Evan kept waiting for Zoe to react, to break down, to pick a side, but she seemed frozen in the middle, unable to let her pain or anger take her.

That's how they passed Connor's last ten minutes. At one point a doctor came in and poked both of Connor's feet with a pin, lifting his eyelid and shining a penlight over it a few times, nodding grimly to herself and leaving again in a flash. Cynthia's wails quieted when she entered, dissipating before the exam was through.

It was nurses who came to prep him. Two of them. As they passed Heidi they flashed her pitying smiles and squeezed her arm compassionately. She smiled back and returned their squeezes. One pulled out a pair of scissors and laid a hand gently on Cynthia's shoulder.

"Mrs. Murphy, would you like a lock of his hair to keep with you?"

Cynthia didn't respond, but Zoe spoke up, still standing against the wall like she had been the whole time, eyes fixed on Connor.

"She does."

The nurse nodded and pulled out a tiny black rubber band, binding it around a thick lock of Connor's long hair before snipping it away. Evan half expected Connor to jerk away, to turn and glare at the nurse and say, "hey, what the fuck, that's my hair!"

He didn't though; he just continued to lie there, letting a tube breath for him.  _He's gone_. Evan tried to make the two ideas come together: the fact that Connor was dead, but that his body was rosy cheeked and breathing, right there in front of them. Connor just wasn't inside anymore. And in a few hours, all the parts contained in his body—in one living, breathing person—would be pulled apart and shipped off to however many strangers, extending their lives. It seemed so wrong.  _What if he woke up?_

Evan knew he wouldn't, but still. It was hard to reconcile the idea of death with the breathing person in front of him.

The nurse tried to hand the lock of hair to Cynthia, but she wouldn't take it. Zoe stepped forward—not letting Evan's hand go—and took it, pocketing it. Evan wondered if it was for herself or Cynthia.

After handing off the hair, the nurses worked quickly, unplugging Connor from all the wires connected to him, leaving only the breathing tube attached. Evan supposed they would keep breathing for him until there weren't any organs that needed oxygen anymore—or the organs that pumped it to his system were gone.

"Ok Mrs. Murphy, Mr. Murphy. It's time. I'm sorry this goodbye was so rushed, but the sooner we can get Connor's organs to their recipients, the more likely we are to save lives," the nurse stood poised near the head of Connor's bed, ready to roll him away. The other nurse stood by the ventilator, ready to follow and keep the tubing connected.

Evan expected Cynthia to wail again, but she merely squeezed Connor's hand one last time and lay it down on the bed. She tucked his hair behind his ear one last time, fiddling with the short hair that had just been cut. Larry dropped Connor's hand like it had burnt him. The nurse gently placed it back on the bed next to the boy's body, seemingly unsurprised by the harsh reaction.

Evan looked at Zoe again. She was chewing her lip ferociously, close to drawing blood. She walked over to the bed and Evan followed. She paused, seemingly uncertain about touching Connor. After a moment, she hesitantly reached out and brushed a thumb over his chin. Evan noticed a faint scar there, a dimple in the bottom of the boy's chin he wouldn't have noticed otherwise. There must be a story about how he got it. There would be no more stories now.

Zoe stepped back and nodded curtly at no one in particular. The nurses interpreted this as her ok and undid the brakes on the bed, wheeling Connor from the room. Everybody watched as they navigated the door, then rolled him out of sight. That was it.

Nobody spoke. The air was palpable, almost painful. Cynthia turned her attention back to the space that Connor's bed had just occupied, as if unaware that it was now gone. Larry sat and looked at his wife, then let his eyes roam over the faces in the room. If his eyes remained idle too long, they filled with tears, which he would shake away by looking at something new. Zoe looked back and forth between her parents, never letting up her mastication of her lip, seemingly uncertain on how to react.

"We should be getting home," Larry spoke gruffly, standing from his chair now placed in the middle of empty space. "Zoe?"

"Evan." Zoe said quietly, as if caught in the middle of a thought.

"What?" Larry replied.

"I want to stay with Evan," Zoe looked at her feet as she spoke, returning to chewing her lip brutally as her father watched.

"Now Zoe, I think we need to go home and be together as a family right now," Larry said pacifyingly. He walked the two steps over to Cynthia and helped her stand. She clung to him like a child, staring off into space, practically catatonic. For the moment, Larry looked like the strong father figure, holding his wife, reaching out in a peace gesture to his daughter.

"No," Zoe whispered. "I'm going with Evan."

Larry looked at them for a moment, standing there holding hands, an expression of rage placing itself on his face like a mask. Evan squeezed Zoe's hand quickly; it seemed that they could speak in those squeezes, their own private Morse code. This one was strength; to stay together, to withstand the hostile anguish from her dad, to survive these next five minutes. Suddenly, Larry seemed to collapse inward. He looked at Heidi and for the first time Evan could feel pity for him; here he was trying to hold the remains of his family together, and failing.

"She's more than welcome to stay with us for as long as needed," Heidi spoke. Larry just nodded, letting his gaze turn back to his wife. Without another word, Heidi grabbed Evan's shirt and pulled him and Zoe out into the hallway.

It was so abrupt it seemed comical: minutes ago, Connor had been warm, breathing, present. Now he was as good as dead. Actually dead. No cold body, no flatlining heart monitor, just dead.

* * *

"Where would you like to sleep, Zoe?" Heidi's voice broke the pensive silence in the car. Zoe didn't lift her head from Evan's shoulder, didn't seem to register the words from Heidi.

"Can she just sleep with me?" Evan asked. Heidi met his gaze in the mirror, locking eyes with him for a moment.

"Of course," she finally responded, as though it were obvious. Evan knew it was anything but.

When they got home, Zoe followed Evan to his room silently. Heidi tried to offer them food, but did so half-heartedly, as if knowing what the answer would be ahead of time. Evan left Zoe standing in the doorway of his room for a moment, walking over to his mom and giving her a hug. She held him tightly, trying to infuse him with a strength he wasn't sure he was capable of. When he broke away, he saw Zoe watching them from the doorway.

Heidi paused for a moment, unsure. Then she walked over to Zoe and wrapped her arms around the girl, awkwardly, yet still tender. Zoe put her arms over Heidi's shoulders, but kept her eyes open, continuing to look at Evan. He watched her chin wobble, but her eyes stayed dry. Heidi released her, and Zoe took a step back, looking down.

"Ok you two. Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning." Heidi gave them one last wave and walked down the hall to her bedroom. Evan watched her go, then turned back to Zoe. She looked at him, seemingly unsure.

"Want to borrow a toothbrush?" Evan asked. Zoe nodded. He led her down the hall to the bathroom he used and pulled out a Costco package of toothbrushes from underneath the sink. Zoe brushed her teeth mechanically next to him, moving the brush as if on autopilot. Evan looked at her hair and realized what a complete tangle it was in. Showering was definitely not in the cards at this point, but if they didn't do something about her hair it would turn into mats.

He opened drawers until he found what he was looking for: a wide toothed comb Heidi would use on occasion when she was running late.

As Zoe stood in front of the sink brushing her teeth absently, Evan set in on her hair with the comb. He started at the bottom; like his mom had taught him when he was young and wanted to play barber on her hair.

The knots were re-enforced with a thick coating of hairspray, but Evan was patient and methodical, working apart the bigger ones with his fingers slowly, a few strands at a time. When Zoe had finished with her teeth, she just stood there, staring at their reflection in the mirror, watching Evan work on her hair. It must have taken at least twenty minutes, but they never said a word.

When he was finished, Zoe's hair floated around her, frizzy and huge, but tangle-free. Evan set the comb down and held his hand out to Zoe. He led her back to his room, padding silently down the hallway so as not to wake Heidi. Evan pulled the comforters back and turned on his heated blanket; it was a special weighted one, designed to help with panic attacks and anxiety. It was his Hanukkah gift last year. Zoe crawled into the bed while Evan walked over and opened his window; the combination of frigid air from outside and heat from the blanket made for ideal sleeping.

After opening the window, Evan stared out at the street for a minute. Not even twenty-four hours ago, Connor had paced along these streets, inebriated and alone, battling the weight of the world and finally succumbing. Facing the day tomorrow seemed impossible. And the one after that, and the one after that. Evan felt the bone-chilling cold reach inside of him and cozy up with his anxiety, his depression, his darkest fears. He turned and walked back to the bed, shivering as he pulled the weighted blanket over him and flipped the lamp on his bedside table off. Zoe wrapped her arms around him instantly, ignoring his chilly skin, pressing herself against him.

The tears came. He felt hers first, gushing and hot and uncontrollable, yet still somehow silent. His joined, eager for company.


	32. Chapter 32

Once again, Evan awoke to Zoe's hair tickling his face, playing around his nostrils. The light from outside shone brightly through the slats of his blinds, illuminating dust motes in the air. He turned and looked at the clock: 6:23. How did he sleep so well with her? Normally a night like last night would have had him tossing and turning, constantly waking from whatever shallow sleep he could get. Instead, he slept peacefully, waking up with his legs tangled in hers and his mind rested.

None of that changed the bleary-eyed cotton-mouth he had, however. Falling asleep after crying created the worst morning breath. Evan slid out of the bed slowly, extricating himself from Zoe's limbs. She didn't wake, instead rolling over into the middle of the bed and pulling the heavy blanket around her.

Evan walked down the hallway, rubbing his eyes. Crystallized salt from his tears gritted against his skin. He closed the door of the bathroom behind him and flipped the shower on. Thinking back, he hadn't showered since Saturday morning, two days ago.

As steam filled the bathroom, he peeled off his clothes and looked at himself in the mirror. Even with a full night's sleep, he still looked haggard. He stared at himself for a minute before finally stepping into the hot water. He hoped against hope that his mom wouldn't make him go to school—he knew Zoe wasn't up to it and he wasn't entirely sure he was either. He didn't want her sitting here with his mom all day without him. Just thinking of it made his fists tighten, his heart beat a little faster. He needed to stay with her.

As a friend of Connor's, the school might not be as flexible or kind with him as with Zoe though. He stood and let the water beat over him, the dirt and sweat from the last two days swirling down the drain. The last skin cells that had ever witnessed Connor, gone.

It hit Evan again. Each time the thought crossed his mind, it was like the first time; a total gut punch, the wind knocked out of him. He gasped for air once, trying to stomach the blow.

Zoe had thought Evan could save Connor. That was why she first introduced them; she figured Evan was struggling too, and that he could relate to Connor because of that. She thought they might save each other. Instead, she had saved Evan and he had completely failed her brother. He hadn't helped at all.

Evan gasped for breath again as he thought of it; every joke of Connor's he took too personally, every good-natured punch or touch he flinched away from, every chance to talk with Connor that his anxiety stopped him from taking. He had messed up, and Connor was dead. Because of him.

The tears came again as he showered; the stories he wouldn't get to hear, the friendship he wouldn't get to see, the utter self-loathing of it all. All of Jared's and Connor's banter. Every time they'd turned to Evan, bringing him on a joke he didn't deserve to be a part of. He had failed, just like he always would, because he was a complete anxious mess. He let himself wallow in it for a few minutes before thinking of Zoe. If she woke up and he was gone. . . and jeez, what must she be feeling? He twisted the tap off and quickly dried himself, hurrying back to his bedroom.

Zoe was sitting up in his bed, wiping tears of her own away.

"I'm sorry, I realized you might wake while I was gone, and I didn't want you to be alone," Evan started awkwardly.

"Good morning to you too," Zoe laughed through a sob. Evan sat down on the bed next to her, still in his towel.

"I was getting all self-pitying in the shower and then I realized you were probably being a million times harsher with yourself and I needed to stop that," Evan looked down at her knees as he spoke, somehow regaining an awkwardness he hadn't had with her for a while.

He didn't know how to help with grief. The day before it had been so simple; hold her, let her cry, get through the most raw, impossible reality of it, one minute at a time. Now was more complex. Zoe could feel anything, had to deal with every memory, every reminder, every little hint that Connor was once there and now wasn't.

Zoe laughed once more and wiped more tears from her cheeks. She sniffled.

"I was actually thinking the same of you. I figured you would take this way hard, like even harder than me," Zoe said.

"Why would I take it harder than you?"

"I just figured the anxiety and all, and you always felt bad about not being closer with him," Zoe gestured helplessly.

"I did," Evan grinned a bit. "That's what I was just thinking in the shower. How I'd failed him, ya know? How I could have lightened up, not taken it all so seriously. But you win rights to most sadness," Evan laughed again, choking up.

"You wanna know what's funny?" Zoe asked.

"What?"

"If his other attempt had succeeded, the one in September? I wouldn't have missed him at all." She laughed, an empty echo of the one before. Her tears dried.

"I would have been glad he was gone. I never said it at the time, not even to you, even though you were the one I talked the most to about him. I would have been happy to see my own brother dead. Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever heard?"

Evan didn't reply.

"I felt so guilty, it was part of the reason I got so invested. Half of it was that he wanted to get better; that was new, but not enough to make me care again. I cared so much because I could sense how little I cared. It scared me. I forced you two together and I tried doubly hard to get along with him and support him because I didn't want to be the kind of sister that wished her brother dead. Fake it til you make it, right? And I did. I think underneath it, I did care. I just hated him so much for everything he did, that overwhelmed it. And now here I am, not even three months later, and he's dead anyways," she said. "I feel like it's karma."

As she finished, another sob took hold, causing her to gasp for breath. Evan leaned over and wrapped his arms around her, letting her cry on his shoulder.

"You know that's not true," he whispered as the tears fell and rolled down his back. Zoe didn't answer, just shaking and crying. "It's not your fault. I promise. It's not."

This bout of tears didn't last too long; even Evan was emotionally worn out, he couldn't imagine how mentally exhausted Zoe must have been. When Zoe finally pulled away, wiping at her cheeks, Evan smiled slightly.

"Would you like to shower?" he asked.

"That would be nice," Zoe replied sheepishly, her voice thick.

While she showered, Evan plugged his phone in and got dressed. He could be the one to tell Jared and Alana what had happened.

His phone had died, but as soon as it had enough charge to boot up he powered it on. He decided to ignore the immensely large number of texts and calls he had because it would just make him anxious. Instead he opened a new message to Jared and Alana.

**Evan Hansen: Hey guys. Sorry we didn't respond yesterday. Connor overdosed at the orchard on Saturday after homecoming. There's nothing you guys could have done, so don't feel bad. Please don't tell anybody at school yet, the family hasn't announced it. Zoe and I are both ok. See you soon.**

He sent the text and set his phone down, hoping they could keep their mouths shut about it. They deserved to know, but Evan didn't want to be the one to spill it to the whole school. Especially the overdose part; he wasn't sure the Murphy's would announce that part; a suicide would be big news in their town, but the manner of doing it didn't seem too necessary to include. The empty pill bottle flashed back in his mind, hidden in Connor's pocket. He remembered fishing around on Connor's body, feeling the clamminess of his skin through the damp fabric—

He jumped up and ran into his mom's bedroom, into her bathroom, throwing himself in front of the toilet. He retched a few times over the bowl, his stomach trying desperately to rid itself of the memory. He hadn't eaten since dinner on Saturday however, and his body had nothing in it to reject. After the retching stopped, he sat and panted for a minute, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. Tears sprung to his eyes and he wiped them away ferociously as he got up and walked back to his room. He needed to be strong for Zoe.

When she returned fifteen minutes later, hair wet and looking a little more renewed than before, Evan was sitting on his bed, reading the other texts he had received while bouncing his leg anxiously. Most of the texts were from Jared and Alana, a few from other classmates asking about schoolwork or subtly poking about to see if he had plans after homecoming. Funny how people suddenly thought of him as somebody with plans now that he had a girlfriend.

Evan lent Zoe another sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants; he had to admit he liked seeing his clothes on her, in a strange way. When they finally emerged into the kitchen, it was nearly 8am.

Heidi was at the stove, scrambling eggs in a pan.

"Good morning you two!" she said brightly, obviously trying to infuse the air with some positivity.

"Good morning," Zoe replied sleepily.

"I knew you would probably refuse food if I offered it, so I made it anyways, so you would be guilted into eating it," Heidi said, moving the pan briskly as she stirred the eggs inside. Zoe smiled a small smile, her chin wobbling a bit. The tears never seemed far from the surface at this point.

"Thanks," she said.

"Of course. I called your dad last night and we agreed that it might be best if you stayed with us for a few days while your parents make arrangements for the funeral, would that be ok with you?" Heidi asked. Zoe nodded.

"Perfect. Evan, will you pour us all some orange juice?" Heidi asked. "I was thinking after breakfast we could go to the hospital and pick Zoe's car up, and then maybe you two could stop by Zoe's house so you could pack a bag of clothes. Does that sound good?"

Zoe nodded again, watching Evan pour three glasses of juice. The toaster popped and Heidi slid toast onto three plates, portioning the eggs appropriately. She carried them over, balancing all three on her arms.

"Sorry there's no bacon or anything, I haven't been to the store in a bit. I was thinking I'd go today while you two were getting Zoe's car. I also took the day off work so I can hang out and maybe make a meal or two for your parents, Zoe. Perhaps later we could watch a movie or something too? Oh and Evan, don't let me forget to call you in to school. You don't have to go tomorrow either, if you're not up for it yet. . ."

Heidi kept talking, doing all the work so Evan and Zoe could focus on their plates, on the motion of fork to mouth. Evan wasn't sure if Heidi knew how valuable what she was doing was; the chatter provided a sort of white noise, just enough of a distraction to keep Zoe's mind from sadder thoughts, but not too much to require a great amount of engagement.

Evan and Zoe made quick work of the eggs, their first meal since Saturday. Heidi continued the rhythm of chatter while she and Evan washed the dishes—she wouldn't let Zoe help, even when she insisted—and on the drive over to the hospital.

Before hopping out of his mom's old Acura, Evan leaned forward into the front seat and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Heidi exclaimed, putting her hand over the spot where his lips had pecked her.

"I just love you," he replied, quickly stepping out of the car and slamming the door shut. He waved at her and she waved back as she backed away, a smile spread cheek to cheek on her face.

"I love your mom," Zoe said, standing and watching.

"Yeah. She's pretty ok," Evan replied. He felt self-conscious; he knew Zoe's mom couldn't really be what his mom was at the moment. Zoe unlocked the bug and got in the front seat.

"Thanks for sharing her with me. Right now, I mean," Zoe said after a short silence.

"Of course," Evan replied. "She loves you. Like actually. I'm pretty sure she's liked you more than me for a while," he joked. Zoe smiled a bit.

They passed the drive in silence. Zoe flipped the radio on to some talk show. It helped fill the void, but wasn't the same as Heidi's warm voice and happy chatter.

When they pulled in the driveway at the Murphy's, Zoe killed the engine but didn't get out. Evan watched her as she looked at the garage door in front of them. He knew Connor's car was parked in that bay.

Zoe's chin wobbled. Evan turned and looked away. This felt private. Zoe snuffled a few times beside him, but Evan just zeroed his attention in on the radio, really trying to focus on the voices of the show hosts. It was some awful conservative rant about immigration. After a few minutes, Zoe's sobs quieted and she killed the engine.

"Do you want me to go in and grab your stuff?" Evan asked.

"No, thanks. I'm good. I can do this." Zoe seemed to be assuring herself as much as him. They sat there for a moment more. Finally, Zoe opened her door.

Evan followed her as she walked up to the front door, opening it slowly.

"Yes. Will you need a copy of the death certificate?" Larry's voice carried from the kitchen, where he must have been sitting on the phone. "Of course. Yes. Thank you so much."

Zoe froze in the entryway, listening to him. Evan closed the door behind them.

"Hello?" Larry's voice called out. He emerged from the kitchen a second later. "Oh. Zoe, Evan." He didn't greet them. His hair looked greasy and the circles under his eyes were dark; he clearly hadn't slept last night.

"Hi," Evan responded. Zoe didn't speak.

"I'm just taking care of the necessities. You know, arranging for transportation of the body and the funeral and notifying the school and all that. So much to do, right?" he chuckled emptily, as if waiting for Evan and Zoe to commiserate, like handling his son's death was as much an inconvenience as taxes or booking a doctor's appointment. Zoe looked at her father blankly, then turned and walked up the stairs to her room. Evan looked at Larry for a moment, not knowing what to say. The man watched his daughter go, an empty expression on his face. He turned to look at Evan in resignation, shooting him an expression that said,  _girls, right?_ Evan just stared at him. Finally, he turned and followed Zoe up the stairs.

She waited until they were in her room and then slammed the door behind them. The air whooshed with the sudden pressure change, and Zoe turned and kicked her bed.

" _So much to take care of?!_  You've  _got_  to be  _fucking_  kidding me!" She seethed, her voice filled with rage. She picked up a book from her nightstand and slammed it down again. That didn't seem to have the effect she'd been going for, so she picked it up again and threw it on the ground. That seemed to be even less satisfactory. She turned frantically, looking for some way to vent her fury.

Evan wanted to stop her, wanted to help her find restraint. He was so used to seeing her be strong and stoic; this rage was unfamiliar. It was just like her dad. He didn't say that though, instead letting her rage, letting her make incomprehensible noises, almost animal-like. He let her throw more books and kick the bed. After a particularly solid kick, connecting with her toe, she grabbed her foot, bouncing over until she sat.

"Ow ow ow oooow," she moaned. Tears sprung to her eyes and she let them pour forth, like a small child after scraping their knee or bonking their head. Evan wanted to move in and hold her, kiss her better, but he sensed it would be better not to. Instead he sat next to her quietly.

"Why couldn't he just fucking talk to me?" Zoe cried. Evan sensed she wasn't talking about her dad anymore. "Why couldn't he open up? He had such a stick up his butt about doing it alone. He'd rather write fucking anonymous poetry for the school newspaper than talk to his own  _fucking_  sister!"

As her sobs grew larger in magnitude she turned and practically fell into Evan. He held her and rubbed her back in circles. This was familiar.

"You want to pack now?" Evan asked a few minutes later. Zoe pulled away reluctantly, wiping at her eyes and nodding. She busied herself grabbing her clothes from the closet. Evan asked to borrow a hanger and she tossed him one; while she finished packing he hung his suit up. They were ready to go in under ten minutes.

When they left Zoe's room, instead of turning left to the staircase, she turned right, heading down the hallway. Evan followed her. She opened the door at the end of the hallway that Evan realized must have led to her parent's bedroom—Cynthia referred to it as their Master Suite, since she had had it fully renovated a few years back and added all these grand luxuries, like a massive walk-in closet and him and hers sinks and something called a bidet which Evan was too shy to ask about but sounded similar to a toilet, just fancier. Evan stopped in the doorway, realizing Zoe probably didn't need him to follow.

From the doorway however, he could see the lump that must have been Cynthia in the King-sized bed within. He could watch Zoe lean over and whisper to her mother, try to kiss her cheek. He could watch Cynthia turn away, rolling over so her back faced her daughter. Zoe stood there for a moment, as if not believing it. Then she turned and walked back to Evan, passing him in the doorway and continuing on down the hallway.

In the car, she turned the volume on the radio up a few notches and drove back without speaking. Evan ached to reach out, to touch her and console her. The hardest part of this so far was definitely the times when he couldn't do that; when Zoe had to weather it alone, had to deal in her own way. He could only wait and watch, let her deal, be there when she needed. When they pulled into Evan's driveway she killed the engine and walked into the house just behind him.

"Mind if I go to the bathroom?" she asked briskly, her voice forced.

"Of course not," Evan replied. She walked off and closed the door slightly harder than she probably intended. Evan listened as the faucet turned on, heard her sobs masked by the sound of running water. He so badly wanted to go and help her, but some tears needed to be cried alone.

As he stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room listening to Zoe, his mom emerged down the hallway.

"Is she ok?" Heidi asked, looking at her son.

"Yeah. I think her mom's not doing well and she's upset with her dad. She's dealing with a lot right now," Evan replied.

"Well she's lucky to have you then," Heidi replied. Evan shrugged. "Want some tea?"

"Sure," Evan nodded. He followed Heidi into the kitchen as she began preparing it, filling their old metal kettle with water.

"Speaking of you two, we should talk about her staying here," Heidi spoke quickly, pulling out the loose-leaf tea that only she ever made.

"What do you mean?" Evan asked.

"I know I let you two sleep in the same bed last night, but that was because it was the first night after he died—"

"Connor. You can call him Connor. Connor died." Evan interrupted her.

"Yes. Connor died. And because of that, I was ok with you two sharing a bed. From now on, I think Zoe should sleep on the sofa. Or you could take the sofa and give her your bed. But I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for you two to share a bed—"

"We're not going to have sex mom. That's not why we want to share the bed."

"That's not what I'm saying!" Heidi defended herself.

"Isn't it though?" Evan countered. "Why else wouldn't you be ok with us sharing a bed?"

"Because that's a very serious level of intimacy! And I'm not sure it's appropriate for you to be in a relationship quite that intense!"

"Well that's the level of intimacy we're at! You were just saying that you were happy I was there for her. We were just at her house; her dad is still pretending nothing happened and her mom is essentially catatonic. Me and you are all she has right now."

"Well that may be, but that doesn't mean that two teenagers should be sharing a bed! It just encourages crossing a bridge that you two might not be ready to cross!" The kettle boiled as Heidi spoke and she hurried to remove it from the heat, pouring the water into the three mugs on the counter—she had prepared an extra for Zoe out of habit.

"We already slept together, Mom. If that's what you're worried about."

Heidi continued pouring as if she didn't hear him, keeping a steady stream from the narrow nozzle of the kettle. When she finished, she set the kettle down and turned to look at him, leaning against the countertop.

"When?"

"After homecoming."

"Did you lie to me about Jared's?"

"Does it matter?"

"I don't like being lied to."

"We were going to go to Jared's."

"Why didn't you?"

"I was tired."

"Not too tired, clearly."

"You'd let me spend the night there before—"

"That was during a flash flood. That's different."

"Not that different." Evan's chin jutted out, a challenge. Heidi looked him in the eye, her stare intense. She chose not to pursue it.

"Did you use protection?"

"Of course! I listened to what you told me mom. And I would have anyways, I'm not an idiot."

"I didn't say you are—"

"Sometimes it feels like you think I am." Evan looked away as he spoke.

"Oh honey," Heidi reached out a hand and pulled him in towards her. "I don't think you're an idiot. I just want you to be happy. I want you to live a perfect life with no regrets or sorrow or heartache." As she spoke, Evan heard her voice thicken with tears. "It seems like the sorrow part is a bit unavoidable right now, but I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to keep you from heartache. Forgive me for mothering you, I promise it's just instinct," she laughed.

Evan leaned into the hug, letting her hold him. After a moment, he felt one of her arms let go. He looked and saw Zoe standing there, red-eyed in the doorway, watching them hold each other. Evan held out his arm as well and Zoe hesitantly walked over to them, joining the hug, resting her arms around their waists.

The three of them stood there for a moment, squeezed together, smelling the tea brewing and taking what comfort they could from the touch of others. It was Heidi who pulled away first.

"Now let's not over-steep this tea. I hope you don't mind I made you some, Zoe. It's herbal, some sort of orange citrus blend. Evan's always loved it since he was a little boy."

Zoe smiled. She let Heidi add honey and stir hers for her, carrying it into the living room. For now, the argument about sleeping arrangements was put aside.

Together, they all sat and watched Friends re-runs, laughing too hard at silly jokes and rolling their eyes at terrible puns. Occasionally, Zoe would choke up—either reminded of Connor by something in the show, or her own memories sneaking up on her. When she would start sniffling, Heidi would focus in on the screen, letting her cry in peace. Each time, Evan would hold her, letting her tears fall and slowly snuggling closer and closer together. Heidi didn't seem to mind, not casting one single disapproving look in their direction.

At one point Heidi dismissed herself to call in again to work the next day, and to call in for Zoe and Evan. Zoe had been absentmindedly running a finger over Evan's palm, tracing his heart line and life line.

"I have a question for you," Evan whispered.

"Yeah?"

"That scar on Connor's chin, how did he get it?"

Zoe's eyes blurred out for a moment.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that," Evan said quickly.

"No no, it's fine. I was just remembering," Zoe smiled. "I was five and he was six, almost seven. It was Christmas. We got these special stocking hangers from my mom's parents before they died." Noting Evan's look of confusion, she stopped.

"Stocking hangers?" he asked.

"You know, to hang stockings?"

"We celebrate Hanukkah," Evan smiled wryly at her.

"Oh. Yeah. Of course. Duh," Zoe smiled too. "Well, we do stockings for Christmas because it's like, extra little gifts from Santa. Like he'll bring you presents and then hide extra little things in your stocking, usually just trinkets or candy or stuff like that. Anyways, you hang the stockings on the fireplace, and to do that you usually have special stocking hangers. So our moms parents got our family a set that was these engraved golden Christmas trees; each one had our name on it so we knew which stocking was ours. So that year, I was five, and I was  _so_  excited about my stocking. Like I remember I could see the edge of a Tamagotchi package sticking out and it looked so full, and we always got these chocolate oranges that I loved and I just wanted to get it down so quickly, I just grabbed the stocking and yanked on it, and Connor was right next to me trying to get his, and the stocking hanger just went flying. They're so heavy too, because they're designed to counterweight a full stocking, right? And mine just went flying and the point of the tree hit him right in the chin. It opened up this huge gash and he started bleeding everywhere and crying and it was awful," Zoe laughed.

"I tried so hard to make it up to him though. I tried to give him my Tamagotchi, and when I got a glockenspiel as my big gift I tried to give that to him too, even though music wasn't his thing at all, and I tried to shove this Barbie doll my parents gave me onto him too, which to be honest I don't think either of us really wanted. It was so hilarious; I was trying to make it up to him in whatever way I could and that was just throwing all my gifts at him, even though he wanted nothing to do with them. He was so cute, trying to reassure me he was ok. I just felt terrible." She smiled wistfully and her eyes glazed over again, harkening back to that Christmas.

Evan's mom walked back in a few minutes later and sat down on the chair next to the couch.

"You two are all cleared from school tomorrow. It sounded like your dad had already called you in, Zoe. He seems to be on top of all the little things."

Zoe's eyes focused back into the present and she smiled grimly at Heidi.

"Yeah, he's good in a crisis," she muttered.

They watched tv for a little while longer. When Heidi got up to begin making dinner, Zoe and Evan followed. She put them to work in the kitchen, cooking a chicken parmesan for their own dinner and having them whip up a stew for the Murphy's. When the chicken parmesan was in the oven, Heidi grabbed the pot of stew from the stove.

"I'll run this over to your house before the parmesans out, ok Zoe? You two make sure to take it out when the oven beeps, in case I'm not back." Zoe smiled gratefully and nodded.

When Heidi returned, they all ate together again, Heidi once more filling the meal with anecdotes and empty chatter. Afterwards, they watched an action movie, filled with lots of explosions and superheroes coming to the rescue. Zoe snuggled into Evan comfortably and he relished in the contact; the touch between them quickly returning to the normal, easygoing way it was before. He could feel his mother's eyes watching wearily. Zoe would have a long road in front of her to being ok again, and he was going to be there for her, no matter what. His mom would need to be ok with that.

When the movie ended, Zoe yawned and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Evan sat up and looked at his mom nervously.

"Can she please sleep with me again?" he asked, giving his mom his best puppy dog eyes.

"Ok," Heidi relented after a moment. "But with a few conditions!" she added quickly, watching him celebrate.

"Of course."

"I don't want to limit you guys unfairly. I'm not trying to be unreasonable, just safe and responsible. And I don't want you rushing into anything. So please, don't try and argue on these, ok?"

"Ok," Evan replied tentatively.

"First, please  _always_  use a condom. I know I said it before, but I just want it to be very clear."

"Wait, you're not going to forbid us from having sex?"

"I think that would be a little redundant at this point, don't you?' Heidi asked, raising an eyebrow. Evan shrugged, his cheeks reddening faintly. "Past that, if I am home and awake, you better not be fooling around. I don't want to ever catch you two in the act. The open door policy—the one I know the Murphy's have? That applies here too, except for at night. Open door at all times during the day, ok?"

Evan nodded vigorously.

"And Evan?" Heidi looked at him seriously. "I know you two have handled all this pretty well thus far; I can tell by how close you are and how much she depends on you. But be careful. Life crises change people. You might have had sex already, but that doesn't mean she'll be ready to right away again, or that it will be a natural or obvious thing now. Give her time. Don't rush it." Heidi's voice was concerned, sensitive. Evan smiled at his mom. Now that he and Zoe had done it, now that his mom knew, it all seemed like less of a big deal.

"Ok mom. Yeah. We won't. Or I mean, I won't. I don't want to rush or anything—I mean," he paused, unable to find the words he wanted. "I just love her," he said plaintively.

"I know sweetheart. I'm proud of you." Heidi stood and kissed the top of his head, hugging him for a moment. She knuckled his hair and smiled at him. "I'm going off to bed. I love you so much. And no funny business!" She shook a finger at him in mock sternness and he rolled his eyes, his cheeks reddening. Perhaps they could talk about it more easily, but it still wasn't to the casual joking point yet. At least not for him.

He joined Zoe in the bathroom getting ready for bed and brushed his teeth while she washed her face. As twisted as the circumstances were that brought them together like this, he couldn't lie and say he didn't enjoy living with Zoe. It was so strange; it was such a terrible time, but it had brought them so much closer, showed them how easy it was to trust and rely on each other. She seemed to think the same thing, giving him a small smile when she stood up from rinsing her face.

When they turned on the heated blanket and slid underneath it a short while later, Zoe turned and whispered to him in the dark.

"Did you tell Jared and Alana?"

It was a sobering question; they had passed so much of the day in harmless, distracting fun, only focusing on Connor in lighthearted ways, small reminders of his presence and absence, only small bursts of the immense sorrow they were trying to deal with.

"Yeah," Evan responded.

"What did they say?"

"Let me check." Evan leaned over and turned his phone on. Only two new messages in the thread with Jared and Alana.

**Jared Kleinman: Holy shit. Fuck. I'm so sorry. When will you guys be back?**

**Alana Beck: They're announcing it tomorrow, Principal just told me so we could put it in the paper and start planning a memorial assembly. Let me know if there's anything we can do. Sending love and prayers.**

Evan smiled wryly in the dark at the irony of it.

"Jared just wants to know when we'll be back. Alana wants to help with anything she can and sends her love and prayers." Zoe nodded in the dark.

Today hadn't been impossible. Hard, but not impossible. For the near future, that would probably be every day.

Zoe began crying into Evan's shoulder again. He held her close as she did, but this time had no tears to join hers. He was thinking. This girl had given him so much in the past months; an inner strength he'd never found before on his own, a path to be confident and strong and trustworthy. She had seen so much in him he'd never seen in himself. Now more than ever, she needed him. And finally, for the first time in his life, he felt up to the task.


	33. Epilogue

Evan's hands shook. Zoe squeezed the one she was holding, smiling at him. He smiled back. The sun shone down brightly; it was an unseasonably warm day for March. Together, they stopped in front of the mailbox. This was it.

Jared and Alana got their letters the day before, so his were definitely in there. He took a deep breath and reached out, opening the little metal door. Three big envelopes were nearly folded in half to fit inside, smashed on top of a sheaf of regular sized ones.

"Big envelopes!" Zoe squealed. Evan just stood in shock, his mouth a silent 'oh', looking at the contents of the mailbox, not reaching out to grab them.

"Evan, if you don't take those envelopes I am literally going to die," Zoe cajoled. Shakily, he reached out and grabbed the three big envelopes, pinching them together. The middle one fell out as he brought them towards his chest. A large purple 'W' was embossed on the front of it, the rest of the envelope a pale gold color.

"Oh my god Evan, that's University of Washington! You got in!" Zoe squealed again, bouncing up and down, shaking his hand. He smiled at her weakly before turning and showing her the other two envelopes: University of Colorado and University of Arizona.

"I got in at three out of my top five," he practically whispered. Zoe looked at him in shock for a moment, eyes wide. Then she flung her arms around him, jumping in the air. He dropped the two envelopes to catch her, grabbing her waist and swinging her around in a circle. He couldn't help but laugh out loud as he set her down, leaning in and kissing her. She kissed him back and he could feel the smile in her lips, ear to ear just like his.

"I'm assuming it's good news?" Heidi called from the porch, smiling indulgently.

"He got in at Washington, Colorado, and Arizona! He actually gets to pick!" Zoe crowed back.

"Woohoo!" Heidi cheered, running down the driveway towards them and tugging them into a group hug. They all stood on their tip toes in the embrace, struggling to remain upright as they tilted wildly to the side. After a moment gravity won and the three of them toppled in a pile onto the grass, shrieking as they fell.

"I wonder if I got any financial aid though," Evan said, reaching for one of the envelopes on the grass next to him.

"That's irrelevant Evan. No backing out!" Zoe said sternly.

"I mean, it's sweet of your parents but I really don't want to freeload off them for four years. . ." Evan trailed off, beginning to read. "I got almost ten grand a year, which is great, but out of state tuition is nearly fifty. I guess I won't be able to go to Arizona then."

"Evan Hansen, you've pretty much let me move in with you for the past five months, you did one hundred percent of the hard labor moving my mom into her apartment, and you even put on a Christmas for us when we had nowhere to go. Need I remind you that you're Jewish? You have earned every penny of that money and you know it," Zoe's face was flushed with the passion of her words. "You are not turning it down. Even my dad wants you to have it." Her nose crinkled as she said the word dad, as if smelling something bad.

Evan looked sheepishly at Zoe, his expression guilty. He looked to his mom meekly for back-up but she laughed and shook her head.

"Normally I would help you out here, but I'm with Zoe. You deserve that money. Cynthia convinced me of that when she was here over winter break."

"Plus, if I go to University of Washington and you're not there what's not to say I'll meet some attractive jock or starving artist or something and forget my dear boyfriend back home at community college?" Zoe's tone was joking, but Evan looked at her in alarm anyways. She laughed and shoved his shoulder playfully.

"For real, Evan. Take the money. Connor would have wanted you to." Her voice sobered but she still smiled at Evan wistfully.

"I'll think about it," he replied. He picked the other two envelopes up from the ground and pulled the sheaf of other letters out of the mailbox; a couple rejection letters, some bills for Heidi, and a some junk mail. Somehow the rejection letters didn't hurt too much: knowing he was going to college was a big relief, and knowing it was at a school where Zoe had a chance of joining him was even bigger.

He would be foolish to think that things over the next year would be easy for them; distance was hard, especially since Zoe had grown so accustomed to practically living with them.

She had stayed with them well through the New Year, until her parents' divorce had gone official and Cynthia had moved into her new apartment in the city. Cynthia had stayed with them for a few weeks too when Larry insisted on listing their old house earlier than was accounted for in the paperwork; he wasn't taking the divorce well and had resorted to some immature tactics.

Zoe had opted to live with her mom—in fact she hadn't spoken to her dad since before Christmas—but the commute to school was hard, even with the bug. She had spent quite a few nights at Evan's in the months since, just to make it easier on days she had jazz band or therapy in town. Being apart next year would be hard.

Heidi had already told Zoe that she was welcome to continue staying at their house on school nights when Zoe couldn't make it home; Evan was comforted by the thought of his mom not being entirely alone after he left. He knew once he was gone—especially with the money from Connor's college fund the Murphy's were trying to give him—she would double down on night school and finish in record time. He suspected that afterwards she would find a paralegal job in whatever place he was attending college. Perhaps under the guise of him needing her, but they both knew the truth; she wanted to stay near her boy. Watching his mom and Zoe grow closer over the last few months had eased his mind in leaving them both behind.

He opened the other envelopes later, over a taco dinner with Zoe and Cynthia and his mom. They cheered for each financial award, laughing through bites of over-spiced ground beef about the awkward rejection letters.

"So, where are you leaning right now?" Cynthia asked with a smile as Zoe cleared plates from the table and Heidi pulled ice cream out of the freezer.

"I'm not gonna lie, it's a tough choice," Evan smiled at her. He turned to look at Zoe then, pausing for a moment. "I'm leaning towards University of Washington. I think Connor might have liked Seattle; the grunge scene, the artists, and Capitol Hill and all that. It has the awesome environmental science and forestry program which I know I've ranted to you guys enough about, but if it's going to be his college fund that sends me there, I want to stay true to Connor. And I think he would have picked Seattle."

Cynthia smiled at the boy, blinking back tears that even all these months later were still so close to the surface. The past five months had taken a toll on her; losing her son and then her marriage in such a short period, spending so much time away from her daughter while she cleared the rubble of her life. Evan often caught her looking at him, he knew she struggled with getting close to him, struggled with the idea of replacing Connor. But this was right; a fitting tribute to the son she had loved so much and was so powerless to help. She reached out and squeezed his hand and before he knew it, the four of them had all linked hands around the table.

"For Connor then," Cynthia said quietly. They all murmured it in return.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**First thing I want to say is: Thank You!**

**I started writing this story in 2017 in the midst of a major depressive episode. At the beginning it was a sort of escape from the day to day which was really hard for me. I became completely addicted and caught up in Zoe and Evan's story and for those of you who rode along with me, thank you so much.**

**A special thanks to everybody who left a review, favorited, or followed. Getting feedback is what drove me when writer's block would hit or I would wonder if anybody gave a shit about me putting it out there. You guys are the best.**

**Finally, a request: Please don't stop leaving feedback! This is the end of the road for this story. I'm embarking on the journey of writing my first novel now (!) but I am totally in love with these characters and open to writing a sequel if anybody wanted to read it. Please, regardless of when you are reading/finishing this story: leave a review! Tell me what you thought, rip my style apart, tell me if you want a sequel or not! Any feedback is better than no feedback and trust me it absolutely _makes_  my day when y'all take the time to leave even a short comment.**

**That is all I'll say for now. Thank you for engaging in the fanfic community and reading my work and encouraging people to write. You are the greatest. And always remember: You will be found!**


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